Trauma bonding and self blame in narcissistic relationships

I did feel like the bad person. She did a job on my brain

I feel so for those who feel like they are to blame. I did need to make some changes but as it turns out I had changed for the worse in the presence of my narc. I considered from time to time what my role in this unhappy situation was but never accepted full blame. My wife had no problem telling me (and our couples therapist recently) that I am the source of all the problems. I never would accept that. This probably only made things worse in terms of her behavior but that too is not my fault.

Just ended this nightmare or trying
And absolutely it’s such a terrible thing to feel this awful about myself knowing after educating myself on this I continue to feel that I failed him, myself, us!
That if I just loved him harder, fulfilled more of his fantasies….. things would have been much better…..

I need to leave but the trama bonding is so strong. We have been married 21 years but it started before we ever got married. A divorce is so hard no matter who is wanting it. He keeps saying I am the narcissist. He has done and has said the exact words the narcissist does. I am need of help.

I'm very grateful to you Dr. Its been a difficult journey

(Verse)
In this world of murkiness, where power's at play
I'm trapped in their grasp, can't find my own way
These bonds they've woven, they tighten so tight
I'm losing myself, can't see the light

(Pre-Chorus)
They hold the strings, they pull me along
I'm just a puppet, dancing to their song
But deep inside, a fire starts to burn
I'll find the strength, it's time to return

(Chorus)
Break free from the chains, break free from the lies
I won't let them control me, I'll reclaim my skies
No longer a victim, I'll stand tall and strong
I'll break this imbalance, prove them all wrong

(Verse)
Their words like daggers, they cut through my soul
But I won't surrender, I'll take back control
In their game of power, I'll find my own way
No longer their puppet, I'll break free today

(Pre-Chorus)
I'll rise above, I'll find my voice
No longer silenced, I'll make my choice
With every step, I'll reclaim my power
No longer trapped, I'll blossom like a flower

(Chorus)

(Bridge)
The fire within me, it's burning so bright
I'll fight for my freedom, with all my might
No longer confined by their twisted control
I'll break these chains, and heal my soul

(Chorus)

(Outro)
I'll find my own path, I'll rewrite my story
No longer under their thumb, I'll bask in my glory
With every step forward, I'll leave them behind
I'll break free, and true freedom I'll find

Penance, yes

Yes, I feel guilty

My Narc Ex could manipulate conversations and push my buttons to the point where is Reactively Abused' him. He'd never ever let me forget what a good thing he did for me in never pressing charges (I was that bad I got arredted) and that I owed him. 🍒

Yes i am sure all of us do.

I lost my appetite, I felt so sick to my stomach. I didn’t understand who he became. I couldn’t accept that’s who he was the whole time.. I’ve had 2 babies since 2022. I was 190 pounds before I gave birth to my youngest. The trauma had me weighing 99 pounds 8months postpartum.

When you realize you fell in love with someone who didn’t exist. That they mirrored you the whole time. It is so devastating, I was in complete denial. When the mask fell and the raging became an everyday thing, the only thing that snapped me out of it was our children. They deserve a happy nurturing and safe environment. I will always put my children first. Loving him wasn’t enough for me to stay, and it’s NOT my job to save him from himself.

I am often finding myself constantly questioning myself. Currently learning how to set boundaries and i keep having to remind myself of the "why" i am going through this process. For the past almost 1.5 years at work i have been talking to my friends to try to help me understand if im doing the wrong. I felt horrible about a lot of things. I was convinced for a moment that it was my fault for ruining my birthday for accepting a joke card that was sexual in nature - again it was a pure joke from a group of friends. This is just one of many examples of situations that i originally felt like i messed up and did wrong. Eventually through my therapy i have learned and understood that i am reacting normally and rationally and parts of me acknowledged this too but i keep getting dragged to feeling like i am wrong. I am trying to establish boundaries and trust my core emotional instincts because it has always led me correctly.

'I'm being punished now for something I did in a past life or something I did earlier in this life'. Precisely what I said to myself just yesterday. If it the situation I was in wasn't so emotionally draining, it would be funny! 🥲 I have been saving all the communication I've had with my narcissistic partner from the very beginning. Deep inside I felt something wasn't right about the relationship and that I needed to preserve the texts, emails and audio to reflect upon. Difficult as it was to review all this material, it certainly was an eye opener to the dynamics of it all and reinforcing how unhealthy the relationship was.

I made my narc leave even though I worried he wouldn't be ok without me. He immediately spun out of control. He got himself arrested in a stolen car with a gun on his lap. I can't stop blaming myself for not protecting him from himself.

Great information. And bring back your power. You didn't "fall" for it, (you weren't pushed into a hole) you chose. You have the powerto take your life back. The power of choice

true..true..true..yes..better being abused than feeling bad person..because it is more heart wrenching...have tried multiple times to walk away and run and had been to divorce counselor, had apply divorce application 3 times.. but doesnt have the heart to do it.

oddly enough my therapist analyze that i'm a Narcissistic PD-vulnerable

I feel I am the bad one, I left and I am the one feeling guilty and sorry for him:(

My wife’s mother came to stay for a month. Then my life decided to leave with her and file for divorce. We were going to move to Texas and work for a ministry but then she said she wanted to see her grandchildren grow up.

in my 4 year old relationship I still can't figure out who is the narcissist.

Wow I really felt that. My question is though, how do they get affected?

I feel like I'm the confused, bad, and stupid one. I feel as if I'm the one causing the problems.

Yes I feel like I am the bad one if I leave him.

The worse part is feeling like you’re the bad guy but not knowing exactly what you did and why they felt everything you did was so serious that they had to cut you off. This by far has been the most difficult thing for me to deal with because I don’t understand what happened and how I became the bad one. He did bad things and then I somehow was to blame.

Absolutely I ask myself alot what is wrong with me

Yes, the misplaced guilt is very real and can be overwhelming. The manipulation is so incredibly powerful it makes you question a reality that you know is true.

Thank you for this.

This is so true.. Yes affects me emotionally .. nothing changes .. I was the family scape goat.. and the bar was set so low by my mother I got involved with this man..

Now Im realizing.. how much I tolerated .. still hard to get out.. thats the mystery to me.

I tried to have an honest conversation about my feelings around my (now) ex and was made to feel less than and that it was all my fault. I gave up my dog of eleven years to try and save the relationship. I felt that I was a villain and was told things like I wasnt ready for a relationship despite bein open, honest, and putting work into the things that I knew I needed to work on. I still feel like I should have been better and stronger, that I'm not worth being someone's life partner. It's now over a year later and I still get triggered by blue cars, think of her everyday, bring her up in conversation, and still wish that we were together even though I know it would hurt. I honestly believe that it would be better to be yelled at and ignored than to be alone now.

I was physically ill so much of the time I was literally forced to leave my narcissist boyfriend. I knew my body wasn’t lying to me.
Trust your instincts.

Well, I feel like the bad person because I'm so full of rage after this relationship and I'm mentally unstable and emotional when I didn't use to be like this. While they always keep calm and like everything is under their control. They look inhumane, there's always so inhumane in their dead eyes and threatening smirks. That f smirk.
I also think I'm a bad person because I was the scapegoat in my nfamily and because this person is always surrounded by people that seemingly adore them while I struggle to socialize so my mind goes like this: if people are around them they gotta be a good person, right?

I STILL FEEL LIKE THE BAD ONE!!

After 1 yr being divorced, 2 yrs separated. Ugh.

Continuing my healing journey to inspire self love

Yes. I am made to feel like the bad one. The one at fault. I filed for divorce after the 2nd physical attack. Not sticking around for attack #3. After that attack, he ordered me to leave with nothing. Because everything was his. I stayed in a friend's condo for two months while he figured we were just taking a break. But I changed my will, filed for divorce and found myself a place to live. Now, his family is treating ME with disrespect. Being rude. Hurtful. After living with his hurtful tactics for 30 years, I'm quick to set boundaries now. And, yes, it has helped to go back and read what I wrote as much as five years ago. Thank you for this video.

He was arrested last weekend.
On a felony. I am named the victim in the case. Yet I feel so much guilt because he lost custody of his daughter. And now he's entire life is ruined. I feel so much guilt because my behavior was not good. I had Begun to lash out. The night he was arrested, I was afraid I was going to die. But yet I feel like it's all my fault.

My Narc mother just discards me. She does something nasty covertly and smears my name. So painful to finally realise my mother despises me.

I'm definitely the crazy one! I've turned into the narcissist. He won't leave me alone and keeps telling me I'm the girl of his dreams but I can't breathe. I'm exhausted and je tells me I have all the power and I just want to be left alone!

I’m here watching this tied up in knots of anxiety feeling like I’m the bad person because I’ve refused to take any more disrespect

I watch TV I look for the narcissist and flying monkeys 😮

Hi, no matter what I did and how much I invested, my short comings were always brought up against me. My personal tastes and hobbies too, if I reacted to her screaming and accusations she would only comment about that. I was always made to feel I was bad, even when I caught her cheating. I felt guilty, I felt I was the bad one. Even to this day, when I know she is the monster. But I feel guilty for having snapped at her and setting boundaries. I feel like I failed to save her from her own negative self. I wondered if I was the narcissist.

Empathy is the oxygen of the humanity until it exists it protects the world from rotting.

I felt and still some time feel I am the bad person

yes

Guys he is gaslighting and used this comment to show how he is not bad but good. I want to be wrong. Op! Follow up are you still narcin? No offense intended. Since you are a narcissist you definitely got supply from that comment AND FROM MINE. NOW I ignore you and trust you will not be able to prove that you are attempting to be a changed selfaware narcissist. Again, although this is not an attack and is simply stating my theory of a likely reality. If I am mistaken, thank goodness! If I am not FOOD FOR THOUGHT. Will we ever know? I bless you with love and light and wish nothing but peace for you!

I do

I can’t read all the text messages or see anything because during the smear campaign he took my phone and deleted all pics, messages and blocked me from everywhere. He told his friends and family that I was obsessed with him and made me out to be the evil of his life that would not let him advance

I just want to go back and comfort him and for us to comfort and love each other. Except he literally doesn’t know how to comfort or truly show love 😢

Yes, my sibling is attempting to trauma bond me. So vile and painful.

True.I been feeling crazy almost sick.

I don’t know how narcissistic my ex really is. But she’s sleeping with someone glamorous and new and partying and going on trips, and I’m starting therapy for trauma recovery because I can’t get out of bed or eat.

Not convinced

Yes