Stop Running, Start Loving: The Avoidant Partner’s Struggle

Am I avoidant if I'm first??? 😂

comment for the algorithm

Out of curiosity... will there be a video more about Disorganized Attachment (I think that's what you called the 3rd insecure attachment style)? That is the one commonly in people who have been abused, yes?

Or because they switch between anxious and avoidant, do both methods apply?

i like these but one thing that puts me off is the memes - I'm trying to focus and digest the content and they break the flow of the conversation

Hey, guys! I took a look back when I started to watch your videos and I see myself talking to myself and to close people in more compassionate way. I had a problem with negative self-talk and I was unlearning it and doing better when I saw your videos for the first time, but since then I see a big improvement. I just want to thank you from my heart. Your videos were a base for me to change for the better - to grow. That is a big thing I appreciate the most in my life - the growth. Thank you once more!

So ironic that anxious and avoidant types are drawn to each other, even though they mix like oil and water

As more of an avoidant I really appreciate this video. For either attachment style I'd recommend the book, facing love addiction by Pia Mellody. It has been very eye opening for me. Also, even if you realize you have an unhealthy attachment style it will take plenty of work to get yourself to a stable attachment style. Definitely have a therapist that can help you through it as well.

Thanks for this video. I'm in a new and my first relationship and I'm the avoidant in an anxious-avoidant pair. If anyone can offer suggestions on this issue, I'd be appreciative to hear from your experience:


This most recent conflict had me asking him to go back to his place because I need space. He insisted he really wanted to stay the night at my place. We gave it thirty minutes, revisited the conversation, and he insisted he wanted to stay again. I still wanted him to leave, but he was so emotionally distraught (crying), that i decided he could stay. I felt like my needs weren't being met in favor of taking care of his. In the post-mortum conversation, I can't help but feel like there's no middle ground in this. If he leaves, I feel better but he feels worse, and vice versa. We live in seperate places so it's a binary option (he either leaves or he stays). What's another way we can navigate this situation?

"Another option, instead of shutting down, try this.."

(Ad for Purina One Cat Chow from Chewy starts playing.)

I guess that means I'm supposed to get another cat.😂

It hadn't occured to me that when I shut down to protect myself my partner feels abandoned.

Yes, definitely met with judgment throughout my entire childhood. My mom was the only one that wasn't judgmental of me. Even my best friend used to beat me up every single day so I thought

That was normal.
Then when I entered Middle School, the judgment and the mental abuse was not only at home, but it extended to people at school.

That went on until I was 22 years old when I finally decided I had enough and I worked really hard on myself.
I was avoidant, but I definitely tried to have calm conversations with my (now ex-husband) he was even more avoidant than me
Put to avoidants together and what do you get?
Divorce

That's exactly what I did. I would try to fix it for years, but then it wasn't working so I just shut down.

I wish I had you guys 10 years ago when it all started

I actually did sit and have a calm conversation w/my husband, I expressed that I felt unseen & unloved.

He promised he would be better and would try

He did for about two weeks . And then he went back to doing what he had done before

Where I messed up was I stopped there

I was like "well that didn't work" and I just started resenting him

Please cover an avoid-avoid dynamic. Conflict at the speed of a glacier.

you just 100% described me in the intro. It was never safe to have emotions, to be "needy". I am still totally out of touch them. And hever severe comorbid mental health issues. Including AVPD. Seems fitting.
Edit: and I've never really had other relationships than the messed up ones with my family. Hardly any friends, the few I found had to leave behind at university or lived apart. No romantic partner ever. I'm also ace (and likely aro too), never had a Crush, never flirted, never dated, never fell in love.
And my collegues at wor, whom I really got along with very well, I pretty much lost as well when I went into (temporarily and once prolongued) invalidity pension almost 3
years ago. I'm 37 now and quite lonely. Even more so as my mother dies last november. She had BPD and other issues and was by far not easy, but still one of my closest contacts.
Sorry for digressing.

Will you have a video about the disorganized attachment style?

Is it possible to be both the anxious and avoidant types? Because I think that's me... 👀

As an avoidant attached person, I used to subconsciously, or consciously sabotage relationships to avoid them. However, when I get married, I don't want to carry those behaviors and patterns into my relationship. This person means a lot to me, and I would hate to do anything to unintentionally push him away. He also has an avoidant attachment style, which can make things difficult for the both of us. That being said, he does make an effort. I think he is better at managing conflict than I am. I think there's a lot to learn for the both of us. But I also think we both have come a long way.

It's not home life it's society. Our society is toxic and I'm tired of pretending it's an individual or family issue.

This might not relate to the idea of this video but could you possibly make a video about how abandonment issues with a parental figure can affect our future romantic relationships and give some advice or tips on how we could better handle this? Thank you ❤

Hmmmm.... I don't mean to be judgemental and I generally love your content. However; didn't you just end your marriage?

I used to be seriously clingy and needy, requiring constant reassurance of our relationship. My husband was the avoidant one, and the more I chased him or tried to hold him hostage to my emotional needs, the faster and further he ran. Over time, as we've slowly worked thru our differences and talked to each about how we feel safe and loved (versus vulnerable and avoidant), AND as I did a lot of work on myself to gain confidence and to be happy in my own skin — we've kinda switched places. Things get heated and I just say, "Okay, this isn't working. Let's try again when we're both calm." Then I go to my safe space (my office / craft room), shut the door, and do a Netflix-n-chill. And so of course now HE follows ME into MY room to continue the argument and i have to remind him, "Were not doing that right now." Every once in a while he gets super blustery and I say, "No, thank you. Please leave my room." It's true... this shit is absolutely comical.

A note about "normal"... one time I told my son, in front of a friend, that he was grounded, and the poor thing started bawling. Turns out in HER house being grounded meant standing up for hours on end with no break for restroom or food. And that was completely normal for her, so she thought that's what I was threatening to do to my son. Normal is such a personal thing until it's a large statistical accounting for what's the most expected outcome. There really is no in-between. You don't know what you don't know, but once you DO know it, you're suddenly part of a group of meaningless numbers.

And yes, I called CPS on that mom, for several reasons. She was such a bad gross wrong harmful terrible no-good awful Gunky.

Let's not be Gunkies, y'all.

I have a friend that just left for the army that I think might be void Aunt attached his back door is his parents were divorced when he was eight and he was in a pretty bad fight in elementary school. He said a girl started kicking him so hard that you were able to tell what brand the boots that she was wearing were in before he left for the military. He came across paperwork from the court from the incident. He seems to share things with me as long as they’re not about his feelings or emotions he told me he was mildly anxious about Boot Camp, but that’s about it and he lingered outside my house when he dropped me off the last time we saw each other before he left, but I never was able to get out of him what he was thinking in that moment or those moments that I wasn’t standing with him

I feel this topic very strongly.
I was an anxious and insecure character all my marriage. After the divorce, I had a really hard time with my new girlfriend, who was the total opposite to my Ex-wife, to be able to connect deeply with her. What helped me a loooot was "Stoicism". Realising that I had to grow and fix myself first was mind-blowing and scary at the same time, because I knew this wont be not a matter of weeks or months. I was afraid, that she might get fed up before....but she didn't!❤
I'm a very, very lucky man! 😊😊

Thanks. Took me a while to get the courage to watch that one, because I am a conflict-avoidant person, and this hits very close. But it's so cool to get that toolbox of wordings and approaches. Really thank you so much