Life After Her: Jono's Side of the Divorce

I couldn’t stop crying for a year. Not friends ( I don’t hate him ) If we were still friends we would be together.

Big life lesson. People are responsible for their own feelings.

It's hard to understand a divorce when you can only talk about the positive things to a bunch of strangers. But it's great that you keep a good relationship for your kids, it's great

I'm still talking to my ex as a friend. Because we were friends before getting married for so long. I didn't want to lose a great friendship in the divorce, and I'm glad she felt that way too. Also our divorce was mutual and friendly. We both agreed that basically living together was too hard on both of us, because we're ND and very sensitive to different things. She couldn't be as romantic as I wanted. I couldn't ne as practical and Spartan as she wanted. But it's good to just realize that and end the marriage peacefully before you let the failing relationship make you so angry you do something regrettable. Then you do lose someone who could've been a frend.

But I got lucky. Not all divorces go like mine and i know it. The divorce lawyer was really astonished by how much we agreed on. I didn't want to hurt her. A lot of times divorces get nasty over property and kid disputes.

You sound like me. Very compassionate but that being a two-edged sword, because it means the struggles and feelings of others can weigh you down a lot.

For example in my former marriage, my wife was a programmer.

And I was carrying the stress of her stressful job with me. That's unhealthy. I was feeling bad for conditions of her job that I could not do anything about.

Therapists know, it's not productive to constantly worry and obsess over things you can't change like that.

This sounds strange to many, but seeing people divorce and be able to be happy adult afterwards as well, actually made me believe that marriage could be a good thing again

My parents brag about being married for three decades, but the relationship was just sheer toxic enmeshment where they enabled each other’s worst traits because they were too afraid of dealing with the world on their own.

They kept buying new house is a new cars distract them selves from the fact that what they really needed was therapy and a divorce. I really do believe if they had just divorced my mom would be far better off. My dad I’m not sure but he’s a malignant narcissist, so I don’t really care.

What seeing people come out and be real about successfully ending marriages makes me less afraid to get married myself, and actually more willing to.

Thank you so much for sharing your journey with this. My ex and I had a similar separation, and his family still- nine years later- won't recognize me as a platonic part of his life. Sometimes people can realize they don't work romantically and salvage (or even bolster) the friendship as the binding relationship. I can't imagine my life without my ex, but I also can't imagine being romantic with him anymore either. We both consider our past relationship successful, even though it ended. Not all relationships have to end in anger, nor does separation have to mean the end of the relationship in general. AND, not all great friendships make for good romantic partnerships. So thank you so much for representing what we've known to be a valid path for the last decade.

I'm sorry for your difficulties.

The idea of divorce you are presenting also comes with a different definition of marriage. Marriage by its traditional definition is a commitment, a union for life, where a man and a woman become one - physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially and intimately. And through that union, they form new life. Separating that union is never a good thing. There is no such thing as a good divorce. It's like trying to pull two pieces of paper apart that have already been glued together. In the end it just leaves the two of you ripped apart. That's why it's imperative that before you get married you must get to know yourself and the other person very well. Be straight forward about your intentions with the other person and what you want out of the marriage and how you want it to play out. You don't want to join your life to someone when you don't see eye to eye with them. That will just lead to a life of constant disagreement and conflict. You will never see eye to eye with someone on everything, but at least on a fundamental level you want to be going in the same direction. E.g. there is no point getting married to someone if you are an atheist and they are a Christian. That's two different worldviews, two different contradictory cultures that you are trying to unite. It will never work.

You must be such a great dude to have a beer with, Jono. Thanks for your work, in here and in the cinematherapy channel. And all the best for you in the future and in your healing process.

Is this how i find out you're divorced? I remember watching your videos to learn more about relationships now i feel like my parents split up all over again haha

Unfortunately all of that sounds wonderful until another person comes into the picture...Then it becomes a sad situation as in its either her or me....
I was friends with my ex for forty years ....that all changed with a new girlfriend and now wife....
I got kicked to the curb and my son and daughter have chosen their dad and new wife and haven't had contact with me for the past 7 years.....

I'm so happy for you, that you are able to have a great relationship, even if it isnt marriage. You are both incredible people and you deserve to have everything you desire in life 🫶🙌

That’s crazy . What happened ?

I just can't imagine what could have been so toxic. Have the both of you worked or prioritized work too much or what?
Have you gotten into this relationship being too clingy or begging for love not being confident enough?
Were you not purpose partners enough?
Honestly, your divioce has been such a major shock to me I stopped watching your contents, but I'd really like to know if it's possible of course.
Take care.
Emily from Budapest Hungary

Oh, mate 😢

Yeah, my fmr-husband and I got along much better as a divorced couple
Until he got a new GF

And suddenly he's telling everyone that I'm all the nightmare ex scenarios

I didn't realise that he was still just using me, keeping me on side, until he could fully replace me including as a parent.

Not saying that's going to happen with your situation.

Wow. I have thought that way for the lat 4 years with my marriage. But not my husband. He has actually said things hurtful things about me to our 29 and 26 yearvold girls. I and the girls are highly sencitive people and they cant wrap their heads around the fact that he seems to hate me as much as he had ever loved me. This man wants to talk about our divorce on our 26 year old daughter Caitie's wedding day on the 30th of this month. Im just like you

Shit I feel just as you discribed. OMG I know know what I am.

After my split and he hurt me so much that I just can't be a member of his fan club.I cant be his friend. I now find that he disgusts me

My ex husband and I didn’t have a bad divorce either. We simply realized we had grown in different directions and knew it was best to let each other go. To this day, I still call him, “family,” and know we can both lean on one another when needed and truly want to see each other happy and prosperous. Many don’t understand and we’ve learned to accept this. We both agree as long as we’re okay with our process and have support from the ones we love we both have the right to navigate our paths towards our happiness, our futures 😊

Thank you for sharing this.

I truly appreciate hear other stories similar to one I’m experiencing.

Thanks for your video. I have a question. What should I do if a person still wants to get me back (we're divorced and still communicating with each other but he can't let me go, cause if he does - it means none of this was true, like our love wasn't real)

Wow. Therapist can't make relationship work. How am I suppose to make it work in future? Now I am becimming very pesimistic.

Humbled and grateful for you speaking so openly and honestly on this (as you do with all other videos on the channel).

So let me guess... couldn't let go of the porn.

Wow, Jon. This is a generous share. None of this is easy. Thank you for talking to us about your journey. You always offer such wisdom.

Not all couples are meant to be married for life. Best luck to you! Thanks for sharing

Hey Jono! Thank you so much for sharing these emotions transparently with us! Greetings from a fan of the cinema therapy

God bless you John thank you for what you do ❤

I'm sorry for the change you two are experiencing, and the inevitable grief that accompanies it.

Thank you for the transparency and integrity you both demonstrate.

Wishing you and your family as much love and success with your next chapter as possible.

I hope you have a friend that you can be honest and real with--it seems like so much pressure to be the nice guy. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Hey Jono, thank you for normalizing staying friends. Except for 3 partners, This is a thing for me. As stupid as this sounds, you are one of my role models and i platonically love you.

I hope you find happiness. and one day I get to meet you and tell you in person how cool are you.

I'm still struggling to understand why you are getting divorced. I know you said you wanted "very different things," but that is hard to understand. Having just gotten married myself, I am still filled with the same certainty that I've had about this guy for the last 5 years. It feels like we set that certainty in stone and etched it into forever. I want to understand whether you and your wife were not certain before getting married. And, If you were absolutely 100% certain about each other, what changed? If you were never 100% certain and just didn't want to be alone, or thought maybe this is the best you could do, I think that's something that could be helpful for people to know. When I see happy, intelligent best friends getting divorced, I am scared that something like that could happen to me. I've been so constantly happy and certain in my relationship and it's really scary to think all of that could just change all of the sudden. I guess I'm saying I wouldn't be as scared if I knew that maybe deep down you never were completely happy, as terrible as that sounds. Then I could understand, mark it of my list of concerns and be happy that you are no longer settling and are finally finding your forever.

This type of maturity and emotional intelligence is what is missing from so many relationships and definitely divorces. As a psych person myself (PhD track), it's do important that we address this type of nuance to the discussions of divorce. So many people see divorcing as an inherently toxic behavior for families and children, but that's not what more recent studies show. Children with divorced parents that model healthy relationship behaviors, open communication with the children, and focus on removing as many abrupt changes for the children, do better than children of divorces that are messy, involve massive sudden change, and do not offer children a secure base to share in their feelings.

When i was 21 my parent divorced after 25 years together and my initial reaction was honestly, "called it." They were just incredibly different people who wanted different things but seperate they were happier and they still talk and everyone still views eachother as part of the same family. Even though i do miss some things like holidays with both of them im just gratefull that it didn't really change my relationship with eother of them.

I don't understand why you would divorce someone that you can be good friends with. If you can love each other and treat each other kindly, then shouldn't you be able to work through your differences? Maybe I'm naive. I've been married for 35 years and we've worked through many things. Not meaning this as a criticism. Just curious. I wish you and your family the very best.

Was the loss of romantic love mutual? If not, how do you deal with transitioning that love? Do you think you would work to be friends if kids weren't in the picture?

I believe in you

I'm building up the courage to break up with my first long-term partner. Thanks for being an example of doing it gracefully John.

wishing you the best.

Thank you for opening up. I've never been married, but I still find help for healthy habits in my non-romantic relationships from these kinds of talks too. I feel comforted hearing you say, paraphrasing here, 'I do want to have a healthy romance again someday, meanwhile, I'm not gonna push myself to do things I'm not comfortable with at this time' felt like a balm to my single soul 😊

I was shocked when I saw the video thinking it might be a lie (but also knowing you wouldn't lie to your viewers). I sporadically watch Cinema Therapy and this was a recommended video.

I am so sad and heartbroken for you. My brain wants to understand and know everything because it seemed like you and Alan had "perfect" marriages even though you would never claim you would and you both openly admit struggles you have.

I appreciate you're willingness to be open and talk about the feelings you have through this process because I imagine it isn't easy and some days are harder than others.

Praying for your family as you transition to this new stage of life. Thank you for being an open and honest person.

Sorry to say, my situation is the opposite of yours. My ex for years has been trying to find things to hurt me with, has been controlling and toxic, has lied for years, stepped out, needed more and more resources for herself, has been classified as BPD and partnered one of our children against me. Thankfully, things are starting to slow down a but when it comes to the aggression and stress. Thank you so much for this, I see 3 professionals on a bi-weekly basis to help guide me through this process and healing for myself and how to be the best possible parent and co-parent for my children.

This is nice to hear. I am currently going through an amicable divorce. I’m very grateful for my situation, we’ve been together 22 years, married for 10, have a 5 year old daughter. We’re still friends… we shall see how coparenting goes… but great to hear you guys are doing well!!!

Thank you for sharing this very personal experience. Wishing you and your ex, family all the best!,🙏♥️

The description of your friendship with your ex reminded me of The new adventures of old Christine.

I really like the "you divorce spouces, not children" thing.

Thank you so much for sharing such personal experience. It was moving and you are helping a ton of people!

What?!? nooooo, I didn´t know this! Man, I´m so sad to hear that, although I appreciate your honesty and integrity, and genuineness. Wishing you both all the very best 🙏🏽🙏🏽💕💕🦄🦄