Intro to validation seeking (for narcissists)

This is an actual text from a narcissist:

i NEED to hear you guys say that I am a good sister, mother, friend, wife. and if you can’t bring yourself to say that, it is your loss.
i hear it from everyone but the 3 of you.
I drop dead tomorrow i have no regrets.
i know i’ve been all of the above but i need to hear it from you. even it it’s just forced.
yet you guys can’t

so my guard is now up

Painting, gardening, house work, cleaning toilets!

My sister absolutely spirals if she doesnt have a boyfriend or is dating someone. She gets bored with men really fast too. Its literally her top priority to have a man. She will drop everything.

Thank you.

Dear doctor ramani, please stop calling me a narcissist because I am not a narcissist. Also can you please stop telling me that I have more faults than I actually do because that is not true about me either. You are supposed to be sympathetic and help people, not be a hypocrite yourself doctor ramani ? ! ? From Miss Emma Lucy Jones from flat C 14C Connaught Road Folkestone Kent CT20 1DA.

Whenever I post comments, there is always one or more people who take my posts down as soon as they read my posts. That is very rude of all of you. From Miss Emma Lucy Jones from flat C 14C Connaught Road Folkestone Kent CT20 1DA.

Of course I have narcissistic tendencies. Anyone who is attracted to a narcissist probably does. I went away from everything. During that time I was on edge and became even more so, surprise! Everything i complained about was/is connected to narcissism. 😑
The attention. The one up. Accountability. 🤮

The more I learn about narcissism the more I suspect that I may have it.

I’m going through dialectical behavior therapy at the VA this is my second go at it.
How do I stop seeking narcissistic supply?
I’ve pretty much destroyed any relationship I’ve ever had .
My diagnosis is are CPTSD dyslexia, bipolar, attention deficit, reactive attachment disorder.
Bpd.

You’re great

Doing sports is an excellent validation tool.

I never realized reaching out to others every time I felt an intense emotion or distress over inadequacy was a problem.

I have a lot to work on. I wish I learned more about appropriate vs selfish behavior growing up. Kids today are lucky that some schools are now addressing many emotional behavior problems.

I don't know if I'm a narcissist, I know that I need too much validation sometimes

My ex would need me to praise him for every outfit, flirt with people in my face to triangulate me or make me jealous. Say I didn't love him so I would try to prove it and cheat to get validation from other women. It was very exhausting because no matter how much you validate them, it will be instantly invalidated if you try to address any issue you have like the cheating or lying.

The need they have for you to swallow any of your needs and on ONLY praise them I find to be the issue. I can tell you great things about yourself all day in a perfect relationship. However relationships aren't perfect and you have to address issues and they can't handle that part of relationships.

Ugh. Please don’t be polite about the narc

I have two narcissists in my life. One Is my sister-in-law and one is my husband. They both need validation. Sister-in-law. Does my hair look ok? Do I look fat? Do my teeth look white? Do you think people like me? She has to have the best of everything. Mind you, she is very attentive and has money. But constantly needs validation. Her brother, my husband. He is all about his physique. Works out and shows it off. He loves his ego filled by others with compliments of how huge his arms are. He love to be checked out by everyone. This is validation. 🙄 If I say, wow my son in law drove so well in the snow, my husband will say, I drive in the snow all the time and don’t get in an accident. If I say wow, my brother in law makes the best chicken on the grill. My husband will say, when I cook on the grill the chicken comes out just as juicy. 🙄 when I say wow look at how many fish that guy caught. My husband will say, I caught more fish than that the last time we went. 🙄 It is so annoying 🙄 Then he will put others down and praise himself. 🙄Even though he has done the same things he is putting others down about. This man just loves attention. When I point out his narcissistic tendencies he gets angry and denies that he is that way. He thinks others have a problem, but of course not him. He will NEVER seek a therapist. He doesn’t see he has a problem. How do I help him? How do I get him to see he constantly needs his ego fed. Is this insecurity?

Yeah I agree. I know my traits I need to work on. I watched this video to deal with a breakup, I know I still have some small traits from my own mother, such as sending so many texts during an argument at times when it’s not convenient for them etc. I know that’s something I have to work on. I know I’m not a therapist but after my last breakup, where it felt she had a lot of narcissistic traits, some of these tendencies exploded out of me and it’s scary. Even now I tend to vent on Reddit, I very rarely used that platform before I met her and now it’s seems in need to post there to express my breakup.

I finally escaped my now ex girlfriend.She would break up with me or threaten to break up with me so I could amp up her supply! She has many male friends, most of her girlfriends don't contact her anymore. I am in therapy, she bowed out twice of coming with me.
She also is friends with a few ex boyfriends and she recently told me that these male friends are a very important part of her life. Doe's this take the shame away of the high body count this 56 year old has accumulated? It' could be at least 60 men.
Anyway, two years of my life and I am wiped.....It is 12 hours new having escaped for the 10th but final time

I am not a narcist and I am very much OK with who I am,,, so I got ahold of this behavior in
a friend, I like this person and didn't want to lose them entirely so I listened to all of your videos on this topic and formulated a plan.

Since I don't use any social media except Face book I have limited my time there because this friend takes up a lot of my Facebook page with his posts,,,he floods my site, and I limit my comments to his post. Since he can't get his fuel that way, he has started calling me between 2 - 12 times a day on my cell phone! I control that by not answering till I screen the call...I choose the ones that are important and respond to them with a callback. I erase the others. When he starts in with the "fishing for validation" and boasting about how great he is, or ALL of the wonderful things he has done, I interject a new topic and divert the conversation. If all else fails I disengage for a while, I can hear his frustration when I do talk to him but his behavior is exhausting and I'm not playing the game!

Thanks, Dr. Romanifor all your videos...they helped me solve the problems!

I love you Dr. Ramani. It's like you're my trusted older sibling talking to me as if we know, embellish, and treasure the same things. I overcame childhood abuse, only to wed a vulnerable nincompoop of a Narcissist.

I am have narcissistic tendencies and for the first time in 44 years, i'm beginning to realize this. Here's what I'm struggling with though. In my primary relationship with my wife, I have sought validation of myself through all kinds of means. By taking up primary caregiver responsibilities while she worked a high powered career, by then adopting a career where i too could make lots of money, by buying things for her, through sex, through social media, and on and on. I constantly was seeking her approval. I know this comes from childhood and seeking my fathers approval(and that carries on to this day), but at some point in my teens it got transferred to women. I just wanted women to like me and tell me i was great. I fell in love and never felt I could get enough of her love. In the beginning, i got it. Of course, relationships level out and you don't carry that energy of the first months or year over in the later years.
What amount of validation seeking behavior is ok in a relationship? I don't know, to be honest. I see other wives doting on their husbands about the things they do and they are the same things i do. This makes me feel unappreciated and unseen. I understand that there is a limit, that there is such thing as too much, but also part of being in love IS IN FACT being validated by your partner. Validation and affection and attention are all sides of the same coin. I understand that your ultimate value has to come from within, but if your partner never validated you they wouldn't be your partner. My wife of 16 years seeks validation also, and I love to give it to her. I don't believe she lives on it the way that i do, but she likes it and she seeks it. If she never received it, she could easily conlude that i'm not interested in her any longer.

I suppose my problem when talking about this is that validation seeking and validation giving is always a part of relationships. It's a synonym for affection and attention, more or less, but how much is too much?

I have interacted with a narcissist. Sadly I had to withdraw due to their needs for validation all the time and when I highlight dysfunctional thinking and behaviours which are actually the root cause of their problems, they get mad at me. It’s exhausting. The type of validation they request is agreement that they did the right thing or they are a better person than the person they are raging against. I take the objective view and tell them the truth which rages them even more and get accused of them feeling they can’t do anything right. They can’t reflect…they seek validation and enablers and only people that can supply that will do

Need help I’m always looking for validation outside my marriage 😢… can I change what do I do

Always helpful. Thanks

Very helpful
Thank you Dr. Durvasula

My car was stolen 2 days ago, my room mate in turn told me I needed to figure out how to deal w/my anxiety because I get snappy and can't take in anything else when I'm balls deep in a panic attack... because, honestly, she has wayyy more problems than I'll ever know. She feels she can'tt talk to me about them because she knows I can't handle it....

Thank you, Dr. Romani...I have a friend that does ALL of these things you are talking about...she dominates the conversation, does not communicate or have a discourse about ANY topic without turning things around to focus on her, she brags all the time about how talented she is, how she has developed skills, how her experiences are most important, and she "fishes" all the time for compliments and validation of her "wonderfulness". I like her a lot, but this is SO tiresome...I feel like she is an emotional "vampire"...it is difficult to hear this every time I am talking to her. One way I have dealt with this is to regulate MY time so that I do not answer every phone call or come when I am called every time, or I keep my phone turned off some days. I started slowly by doing one day a week, and now, I feel confident doing this on a regular basis. When she gets angry at me for not being at her "beck and call"...I just don't respond for a few days. I am not doing this for her because she isn't affected by it...I am doing it for ME! I am much more able to deal with her when I take care of myself around this...but it IS exhausting! You are a big help, thanks!

I purposely withold validation from narc sister

This video really helped me feel better about my validation system, as it involves both social media and art, but it also caused me to reflect on how I have been bad in the past. I could talk forever on this subject, so I won’t. Sorry if any of this confusing, I appreciate you reading it if you do take the time. I don’t expect it though. I feel like I’ve learned so much from this channel. I’m not gassing you up undeservingly or to get anything. Idk. Please feel good about yourself.

I have had a hard time separating the idea of needing validation from others, and the fact that I wanted my art to be successful. I feel like I’m doing it fully for myself. Like, I don’t actually need validation from other people that my art is, like, good? I guess? I know it’s good when it’s good, I know it’s bad when it’s bad and I know how it’s bad. Because it’s mine, I would know, all of this is so obvious and plain to me, I am so solid in these feelings too. But I DO want to win people over and have them like me/my art. Me and my art are inextricable at this point in my mind, idk if it’s because I haven’t achieve any real successes with my art. So then I could more easily be able to separate it from my sense of self. I personally think my art is good, and that I am smart, I am likable, I am kind caring compassionate (even if I have MANY faults like being bad at a schedules) and I want to convince other people of this. And find friendships, and “legacies” in this way. I don’t need to be all powerful or immortal, but I think I am really smart, a good artist, and worthy of validation.
And if I’m being honest this is where I tell myself I’m in the clear: I care a lot if people like my art, but I’m NOT destroyed if they don’t. Beyond that, I’m usually the most grateful when people are the most honest. Except when it comes to my art. The general public? They can think whatever they want. That’s art.
My spouse who is also an artist? I want them to actually like my art. I don’t WANT to say “white lie for me,” not only because I don’t want to make a person lie for my ego, it wouldn’t even work for me anyways. I would know they are lying. I just can’t handle when a close personal “ally” of mine doesn’t like my art, or my artistic process, or is just consistently disrespectful towards me and my efforts to create good art. (I understand my art/process can’t involve harming others otherwise them disliking my process would be fully justified) Much worse if they are consistently disrespectful to towards me efforts to create good art.

I AM seemingly disproportionately hurt by this rejection, and I think that narcissists in my life have used this to hurt me. By portraying or accusing me of being a diagnosable narcissist myself because I want to be famous in my lifetime for some form of my art. And they use the fact that I feel guilty about hurting others. They use this to make me feel bad about the fact that I was disappointed that they are seemingly always critical of my artwork and/or try to take over my art. So then I feel guilty for wanting a close family member or my spouse to be mostly supportive and say positive things about my art. Should I? I do give these things I believe. Fully. Like treat others how you want to be treated. I’m not coming up short in terms of believing in or emotionally supporting my peoples self-view. Idk

This is a very complicated subject for me because it is ACTUALLY determined by outside approval. By nature. I want the success. I don’t actually just want to be left alone to create art for myself. I just tell myself that I know what’s good art (I fully believe that), and that I will find my base of supporters one day. Even if it’s not a big base, I just want some people to know and remember me. Associate me with good thoughts, ideas, art, and morals. Because THATS who I am. I feel good about myself, because I SHOULD feel good about myself. But I still VERY much want to find validation from others, for who I am, in this lifetime.

Like, I don’t need a bunch of friends, but I do want good friends who actually understands and values what a worthy and valuable person I am. I don’t need everybody to like my art. But I want validation in this lifetime. And it is from the outside.

Diagnosed NPD, BPD, APD.

I think I'm not good enough and was a people pleaser to two narcissistic parents. I went no contact with all my family so I dont get manipulated and find I have anxiety being in the world on my own. But it is better than the dysfunction. Its hard to regulate myself without some reassurance. I feel like a frightened child. I validate myself as much as I can I need to resist asking for validation and listen better. I just don't want to pass on any narcisstic traits to my two little boys x

I tried to like the video more than once LOL :) just to validate :) TY for sharing, these videos are golden!!

Can you make a video on why narcissists brag, boast, and clout chase?

I guess should be approached the same way as any other addiction, validation seeking is a "drug", a coping mechanism for something that is not being addressed, for something that is pushed into denial. Looking into the roots of it to find what is it trying to cover up and address it, to integrate it, no matter how painful it might be, is the only way through. This is the remedy for all of us though, independent of a "condition".

Lol yes the series I wanted bc I watch this channel in paranoia about myself 😭💀

OMG! I am…. 😭😭😭😭😭

Its so funny dr Ramani, theres so many videos on how to set goals and what goals to set and lalala i watch it all the time!

I have a qn what is the difference between reinforcement and validation

To be seen and told you are good. Such a simple thing. And yet so few people today really think about, when it comes to how primordial need this is. So ancient that God himself started with seeing his creations and recognizing them and seeing that they are good. I can remember so many years in my early days where this message was never solid. Never a qualified YES. I was lonely, awkward, kind of annoying to others, and was often rejected. But not always, I was a cool kid if you were of similar interests. But I often rejected the word because I didn’t feel like I was good. Long story short I had a rollercoaster teenage youth and was often rebellious. Had friends that were very bad to me but also good enough to keep me around so I still always felt small and unwanted. Ironically enough a couple are actually my best only real friends that I still see often enough through the year. When was almost 17 I moved from the wild streets of fairfax county va to the Shenandoah valley and I actually found a different place at school where I began to tap into my musical and artistic talents and began to hair some friends and recognition, the buffer of this flow of good validation from my gifted abilities in learning and performing in the musical and creative arts with my witty and charming all around happy yet still edgy personality and newly developed physical attractiveness was a massive game changer to how I felt myself. I felt good. And I could present myself as good.. as long as there was someone there to affirm it for me. “I know xy and z about me IS because not I came up with it but the WORLD did!” Is the dynamic that began. I remember saying from time to time in certain situations, “ I’m not cocky in this respect, the world just told me over and over again.” But I found myself in a pattern after graduation and having a blossoming social life with my work in restaurants that when I was alone, there was no one there to ward off the voices and overwhelming feelings of sadness, and loneliness, and unworthiness, and emptiness. An emptiness that you can almost hear the wind blowing through. So I’d always seek company. When things were good and I’d acquired a few professional successes and ego boosting accomplishments being alone wasn’t so bad… most of time. Still always arranging my life to avoid not having someone else around to keep me smiling and distracted. I’m 28 now and never mind the rest of the story but I now understand how unformed my personality really is. How I’m really just a sad kid who never learned who he was. only his dysfunctional parents, a cold rejecting world. My personality is a collage of things a child hopes to be and paper papier-mâchéd together with little bits of magical mirror dust that will always be able to reflect the gazers own collage of ideal worth. It brings back the praises taken from the world, to tell this kid who he really is. When you ask who am I, all I know is from the outside, anything from within is nothing good or if it is it will be put on trial by all those old feelings, voices, and thoughts. Having no self is an awkward position to find ones self lol. The choice is tough. The world affirms that you are good or sit alone and not “be” and of course realizing this is merely a cognitive awakening. I’m still Peter Pan looking for his elusive shadow and a Wendy to be his mother, and her brothers to follow orders while he flies around never land to hear tales of his greatness with the rest of his lost boys oblivious to their unpleasant stay cursed- not blessed, with eternal youth.

To cut back on validation seeking is always look those perfect photos and remember how hard this person worked just to take pictures. Just remember it's not worth it.

One time a narcisist in my life came up to me and my friend asking if it was normal that he didn't know any girls who could last long enough in bed for him to have and orgasm. When me and his SISTER asked why he wanted our oponion on how long he can last during sex and he had this big meltdown. Same guy came up to me and his MOTHER feigning confusion about his hookup telling him he had a hockey player ass. You can tell he's acting because he's a piss poor actor, and his mom and is just like "why would you bring up soemthing you know is a compliment as if you want us to assure you that you have a hocky player butt and that this is a good thing. Is that really something to ask us?" again, meltdown.

I had two narcissistic parents and four narcissistic siblings. Therefore I grew up with many narcissistic tendencies. Regarding validation, the most important part for me and my healing was learning self love, self parenting and self soothing. These are skills, (emotional intelligence) that parents are supposed to teach their children. When they don’t, the “adult child”must learn to do it for themselves. This has made all the difference in the world for me. I now understand that my value comes from within and that I first had to learn to love myself AS IS! I have found the more I love myself, the more I love others and enjoy getting to really know them. As a result, people organically respond to me and enjoy my company as I enjoy theirs. Also, the more I learn how to find value in myself the more I learn to find value in others. Much love to all who are seeking healing. Don’t give up because everything is possible! 🙏❤️✌️

Great message! Where can I find other messages in this series?

I've been learning from you about Narcissism for a couple of years. It has helped my life so much! I've awakened quite a lot and I've had many recessed memories come to the front. My parents were moderate narcissists that damaged me greatly. I knew that I've had mental challenges but now I am able to recognize low-grade narcissism in my past. I'm not nearly as needy any more because I've learned to enjoy my own company. I was forced to do so because of a physical disability. There can be positives to everything. This video has helped me so much! I need some more like this one. I desire to purge every bit of narcissism out of my soul and spirit. I almost forgot to mention that I believe I might be an empath as well. Is it possible to be a needy empath? Thank you again Dr. Ramani. I appreciate you!

I think I'm a narcissist. I remember even as a kid, I would say to people that I am nice to everyone, unless they don't like me. It's only years after that I have started to realise that the problem is not with those people, it's me.

If they want validation they should look in the mirror to validate they exist in real time.

My wife doesn’t seem to care about getting any validation from me anymore . She gets her validation at the local bar.

One thing that I observed and that seems to be a fundamental issue with narcissistic behaviour is not only a need for validation seeking, but for instant validation / gratification. In that sense - while I think it's good to find stuff that validates 'from the inside' - I would argue that it should be something that validates over time and through experience... Like learning a new skill or building / creating something that takes time. (and not doing it for other people, but for oneself, obviously)

Oops sorry I spelled your name wrong! Dr. Ramani, you are the best! 🙏🙏🙏

Dr. Rahmani, you are the best! 🙏❤💐