When Parents Give You An *ICKY* Feeling (Ask A Shrink)

I’m 29 years old. And I always hated and felt confused and now extremely angry at sexual jokes and innuendos around mine and my siblings presence. I felt the ick feeling but never had any evidence or validation. It’s comforting and depressing at the same time finding out. This is not rare. But rather very very common in the human race. And I am sick of it!

I suspect my father sexually abused me as a child. I have one memory of me at the age of 5 talking to a classmate about my father as If He was my Boyfriend. I always felt dirty because of the whole twisted freudian theories that makes the abuse the child's fault. I also remember my father doing Something grose to me when we went to the Beach, He used to lick my arm saying I was salty. I remember being so awkward. There are some other signs. He Had a creepy neighbour He used to insist that i huged. Also, as I grew Up i noticed He distanced himself from me, at the same time i observed him having a weirdly close relationship with his stepdaughter who is 9 months older than me. It's really tough to validate those Memories and Tell yourself that your own father did that to you. I'm still strugling to grasp that.

OMG! I never thought about this before, but my dad used to have me pose in bikini's on his classic cars and motorcycles when I was a young teen (13-16). I thought I wanted to be a fashion model and it was literally the only time my dad paid any positive attention to me. This started after my parents divorced. I had almost no relationship with my dad when I was younger because my mom was jealous of me when my dad showed me any attention. I became a mommy's girl and daddy was to be feared and avoided (according to mommy).

Ugh. My childhood was sooooooo messed up. I broke that cycle, thank goodness!

Holy shit thank you for this video. And thanks for giving the examples. I cringed and then realized my dad is this way! Thank you. This validates a lot of those “yucky” feelings for me.

I thought I remembered everything about my childhood, which had its fair share of trauma but I had an over whelming sence of ickyness I thought was a bit disproportionate compared to my memories. But ever since I found the term Covert Incest and started researching it I have remembered several things I completely forgot about.
Also Everything I've read or heard talks about one child being chosen, however I am a twin we are both female, and my mother couldn't have any more children and I feel like she took turns with us it wasn't always one of us or the other...

Tbh, I'm kind of resentful of my mom. She was cruel to my sisters, abusive and groomed me for grown men, blackmailed my dad. You want to love your mom but you just can't love a monster.

I've always felt this way around my mom. Interestingly, I've never felt this way around my dad. The family tried to make him look like a monster but as an adut, him and I are friends and I am waking up to the gross things my mother put us through.

VOLUME!

Whoa. The comments you made from father to daughter, I think that’s how my ex would have been had we had kids together. Blurred lines via his very different cultural background and maybe autistic. I know I dodged a bullet.

its hard to describe but ive always felt this with BOTH parents :(

My dad once but me dar for no reason when I was a little girl…. And my mom has been sleeping in my room since I was 12 and I’m 26.

I was told that my repulsed reaction was "something wrong with me"

This information is mind-blowing, life giving and devastating. My gut feeling - the ickiness, weirded outness, - has concrete reason. Thank you

So grateful for this video! I was telling a therapist that I think there was sexual abuse from my father that I just can't remember from my childhood because of that ICKY feeling. There were many boundaries crossed with him emotionally, asking for massages, so much criticism, and over-sharing. I feel so angry and disgusted while gaslighting myself at the same time because I can't remember it all:/

Great concise videos! I vividly remember asking my sister as kids or vise-versa if Mom and Dad gave us, and I literally think we said "icky", vibes. You are totally right, even as uneducated little kids with a sheltered naïve view of the world, we knew deep down in our subconscious something was off. I now understand so much more about why it was icky, and now that I have educated myself a bit on emotional incest and am open to dealing with it, memories are starting to trickle in... and I thought I just forgot my childhood, ha! Here comes the work, good thing I'm a work-aholic!

The sh*t my mom told me as a kid and still to this day.... wtf seriously

The humorous pictures of people’s reactionary faces in the background lightens me up, I appreciate that 😄
I’ve only recently been coming to terms with covert incest from my mother, and I’ve been reading and watching a lot of videos to build up my strength. Taking in a lot of content about traumatic and disturbing issues is hard for me, but I’m feeling a need for as much validation as I can find. I just confronted my mother a couple days ago, and received a response today of her denying it. I actually tried to confront this 19 years ago and felt shot down and blamed when she invalidated me. After that I went no contact for 7 years and it took about another 3 years before I could see her. I couldn’t even verbalize that I was afraid of her, and didn’t know it was possible to be afraid of your own mother, especially since she put on a “nice” face in my adult years.
But I finally processed it a few weeks ago... it just came up, the realization came to me naturally, and it made sense for the first time in my life: that my feelings told me everything I needed to know, that my instincts and feelings have held the key. The way my mother has pursued me for a relationship has felt aggressive and predatory for a reason. It has always felt like she wants me to be IN a relationship with her. And I’d heard of covert incest before, but it didn’t click because I’m female and I think I dismissed it because of that. And it’s just so disturbing... it’s like she’s been trying to disturb me with it my whole life and I had an unconscious fear that knowing it’s incest would give her even more power over me and make me feel even more violated... like she’d win the rights to abuse me more.
I told her in a text message, very clearly and concisely, that I finally realized why I felt afraid of her for so long, that I finally understand why I feel the way I have felt. That she abused me with covert incest and sexual abuse.
She denied that she ever sexually abused me.
I responded that she forced her sexuality on me repeatedly, and I remember I started reacting with revulsion and horror when I was about 8, and I remember the older I got the more I resisted, the more I asked her to stop, sometimes I would try to run away to my room, and sometimes she would respond with her anger by getting more forceful.
My instincts were strong and I always wanted to protect myself.
I am so glad that due to the subject being de-stigmatized that I now know that an adult forcing their sexuality on a child is abuse. And she can’t even make the excuse that I consented, as some poor children may feel so overpowered that they submit. I actually used clear language to say no and she still forced. And I hate that I need so much validation and confirmation right now to know that I’m not at fault, but I feel like I’m standing up to a Goliath right now - the Goliath of a society that I’ve internalized and still wants to say that I’m wrong, that something is wrong with me, that if physical sexual contact was not forced then I should shut up and deal, oh and by the way your mother is so nice of course she wants a relationship with you, what’s wrong with you, why don’t love your mother, she just loooooooooooooooooves youuuuuuuuu
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! 😱

I don’t want to betray my own feelings and instincts anymore...
If a parent forced their sexuality on you, and it feels violating and makes you want to run and hide or crawl out of your skin and die to escape, and it feels like abuse...
Then it’s abuse.

My mum used to LOVE to come into the fitting room with me as I tried on new clothes. I'm NC with her now, but those memories just came back after watching this video. At the time I didn't think anything was wrong, but now I see how wrong it is when a grown woman considers watching her daughter try on clothes a hobby and offering unsolicited opinions on my growing body

You deserve more subscribers- lots of good info and real wisdom. More good stuff- and different- than on many other channels.

Thank you for this.

Could this type of “icky” feeling transfer over into adult relationships? For instance, physical intimacy in potential romantic partners and a feeling or a sense that ‘this seams wrong.’

Very useful video! My dad always loved to comment on my figure, talk about how my mom wouldn't have sex with him, and give me massages. It all felt very icky.

My father's mother expresses love to him in an overwhelming and possessive way. She's always kissed him on the mouth and they still kiss each other and my father is a grown 44 year old man. It's disgusting.

The description of excessively talking about parental sex lives around children reminds me of Nick's parents in the show, Big Mouth. No wonder it felt icky to watch.

I'm starting to come to terms with the covert incest ive dealt with from my father. Since I can remember, he'd vent to me about his relationship issues, sex, and money. He made it very clear from a young age that he saw my mother as lesser, even saw my brother as such. He also made it clear he thought him and I were superior in the house.
Throughout puberty the unwanted inappropriate comments appeared.
I grew a hate, an "icky" feeling for him in middle school. Recently though, I wanted to really try to let go of this feeling. This lead to the resurfacing of a memory where he watched porn in the same room as me as a child. This helped me realize my Father is an abuser and shouldn't be given the chance to be let in and hurt me again. I no longer feel bad for the "icky" feeling, rather i realize its what he should be feeling as a father who abused his kid.

Thank you for this. I never understood why after a certain age I recoiled from my parents touch. I had a covert passive aggressive narc dad and some kind of narc mom (I've yet to pin it down, she's a special case for sure). They were both very inappropriate, mostly in telling me things about the other after they were divorced. They both treated me like their replacement for the other and tried to pin me against the other. It worked and periodically I'd hate one parent and love the other depending on what angle the other was playing. My mom is dead now and my father's complete true colors shone through really soon after her death and we've barely spoken since. But before I had even fully worked out any of these things, and when I would have staunchly told you they were both wonderful, loving, caring parents, their physical touch made my skin burn and bile rise in my throat. Being physically near them felt painful and I felt like I was constantly leaning away. And I felt really, really bad about it because they never really physically abused me. Nothing that bad anyway. But now I'm remembering and figuring out that a lot of my childhood was chalk full of all kinds of emotional and verbal abuse. Up until a few years ago I didn't remember my childhood at all. Now it's all flooding back and it's all kindsa fucked. but the more I watch videos like yours and those from Dr. Ramani, the more I'm able to make sense of it all. It's like puzzle pieces that were in black and white before are in color now. It's still a work in progress, but at least I don't feel like the crazy one anymore. Most days.

Yes, Narc parents cross over all the lines.

BARF BARF

I had the innapropriate comments, telling of sex life, made hold hands in the restaurant across the table " because let's see if people think if your with me like you're my girlfriend". Same parent has been extremely intrusive in my life and it's taken me years to try to heal from it. At first I couldn't even acknowledge it. I also was asked to massage back, pop pimples etc. I didn't want to do it but felt it was my job since I didn't know better. I ended up carrying shame that I can see now was clearly not mine. I am always working on forgiving but it seems to never end. There's always more and more that pops up. Thanks for this video.