NPD & Relationships | Chat w/ Jacob (Nameless Narcissist)

Jacob and I go way back. Btw Jacob, not to call you out...but we both know you're probably watching this, maybe even on repeat, and reading the comments. So, Hi! I'm really excited for you, man.

YESSS!!! More Jacob on this channel please!

Before my 6 year deep dive into what makes Narcissists tick I always thought they were all typically very physically attractive but this puts the icing on the cake that my assumptions have been definitely NOT TRUE. They are not attractive inside or outside. Most belong in Hell for the damage they inflict on other human beings both mentally and physically. This guy proves it.

Yay! Been waiting for this

Love this so much. Thank you!

This is a unique perspective because I’m not used to an NPD who actually has some view of his/her drivers and what the disorder entails. As it comes across as more BPD than NPD.

Oh hooray, I'm so pleased to see a new video from you.
I've been worried you'd stop making them.
I'll watch this later. Things are very difficult at the moment.

I hope videos will be more regular again.

Great questions were asked

I can relate with Jacob discussing his relationship dynamic. My ex would cling on and I became more avoidant. I was very harsh and didn’t back down. It to me looked like my ex became more BPD presenting than NPD. I became very callous out of frustration and from abuse.

I can relate with every single fuckin' thing he said. The only difference being when my girlfriend broke up with me, I feel a need to go back to her and restart. And the moment I feel secure, I want to break up. This back and forth continued for 1.5 years until she finally broke up with me for good 2 months back.

I want to come out of it. There's a part of me that wants to feel secure but I don't know what to do about it. I need help.

❤❤❤ this was such a great interview, thank you for providing a space for representation and community!

Why won't Jacob engage with the trauma aspect of the therapy he was in? He seems to see himself as exceptional, even as a narcissist. For the others, it's trauma, but not for him.

Thank you! Very enlightening

I feel so unseen

Is it cliche to point out the obvious trajectory of a narcissist ending a therapeutic relationship claiming they need a new therapist who has a "more specialized approach", and now that his therapist knows who he is after 2 years, he that we could infer that he has actually moved on because "she is more trauma-focused" and he wants to get as far away from dealing with that as possible (i.e. dealing with the trauma at the core of his disorder)?

Kudos to this man for admitting that he actually hangs on more in a relationship when he feels insecure in it. If she truly has AsPD, he definitely understands (on some level?) that she really does not need him, either, and that he needs her a lot more because of that. Good insight on his part (and he squirms around & gets real uncomfortable as he admits that, trying to fix his hair).

My mother has NPD and she has often admitted to having a husband who needed her more than she needed him (and she meant emotionally, not financially).

Would you deem jacob to have "sanpaku" eyes?

fascinating

I feel that the main problem is that psychology has clear definitions of what is sick but not a clear definition of what is Health.

Jacob has a rocket in his pocket _ the Richie Rich show

Jacob : this is your social model_ watch Ryans Daughter movie. There is role u have in the movie _ its the guy who wants the girl but your retatded and its not possible. Your daddy doesnt own the bar. My family are mobsters _ im retarded but i get the girl.

Jacob the ststem rigged for your enslavement _ u a battery

This guy sounds , looks and acts like a total wanker to be honest.

TW: Mention of child SA in the replies to my comment

I honestly think empathy is overrated as well as misunderstood a lot of the time. Firstly, the conflation of empathy with ethical behaviour is very clearly complete rubbish, otherwise the world wouldn't be the way it is. In fact, empathy can lead to rather unethical behaviour because it is "too hard to bear" seeing other people suffer, which encourages dehumanisation (e.g. studies have found that in the average person, looking at a homeless person activates the same part of the brain as looking at an inanimate object doe, and often they are treated as such).

Secondly, what we understand to be empathical, is modelled on an average, neurotypical, white person that grew up in a western society. Empathy is created by being able to relate to others experiences - and strangely this concept is only ever applied in one direction. People inside, what is considered "the norm" in the Western world, demand all the empathy and understanding for all their actions but rarely manage to produce an empathical response to experiences that lie outside that norm. So from my view point as a person with AuDHD, EDS and other stuff, I have made the experience from a very young age that what I feel and experience is "wrong" or "untrue", when in fact what I experienced was a lack of empathy from people, who assumed everyone in ther world functions the same way they do. If I do tests, I supposedly have low empathy. Which I sometimes do - e.g. I cannot understand how anyone could feel sad about not being able to have children. But none of my friends with children can understand how it would be an absolute horror for me to ever get pregnant. So why are we talking about one lack of empathy, but not the other?

I don't need to feel what another person is feeling, in order to be nice or supportive. I think in fact, that it would be super benificial for A LOT of people to be more open to the possibility, that someone may experience things differently to them without assigning it a place on a moral scale that has no foundation in a reality beyond their own.

Jacob would do well to stop checking that his hair is in place, even if that means clipping it close to his head, so that he simply cannot do it. In this video he is constantly attending to his hair, which (wrongly or rightly) suggests somatic narcissism . I find it it at least a little alienating when people seem overly concious and concerned about their appearance.

The 'hanging on more when not feeling secure' is the aha on observing my and others fixations 😎 conquest is not sincere affection = getting clear on just what is going on when there is intensity of attention that that can foolishly be interpreted as affection?

Validation over real connection! When connection is not formed( attachment) they dont need to break it so its shallow staying together in some sort, cause no emotions involved, no intimacy. Cause thats what they fear attachment and crave it at the same time. Wonderful video… great questions asked.

Thank you all for the engaging interview. I really appreciate Jacob's honesty. You don't have to meet the DSM diagnosis of NPD to seek refuge in perpetual motion. Our narcissistic culture reinforces the myth of "never enough," which keeps many of us constantly striving and consuming.

It seems that all these narcs have this same 'cheesy" smile on their face when they speak.

I wonder if anyone else notice this... Like the salesman in the cheap suit grin

I unsubscribed from the channel after seeing this vid.

fornicators need to get the penalty again

Thank you all for this.
Very interesting to find out more about NPD.

Shame on you guys for giving this abuser a platform.

It sounds like that would be a tricky one, when you have narcissistic traits and you’re trying to improve, feeling proud of normal human stuff like improving can feel dangerous. That seems like a catch 22 one had to stay tuned in to.

Please, get in touch and try to do an interview with Prof. Vaknin. Still amazes me you haven't had him on this channel.

One of my favorite channels!
Thanks for the interview!
Im gonna follow this guy Jacob since I can relate to most of mental states he's describing. Narcissism is a spectrum and all people have some sort of narcissist traits (there is so called healthy narcissism).

Jacob is articulate and personable. And he seems to have a high degree of self-awareness.

This interview was very enlightening for me as a partner of a man with NPD. Appreciate the excellent questions and honest answers.

Very grateful to Jacob for hus opennes. He does not hier behind lot of Theorie to avoid vulnerability. And very clear, very aware. Following and understanding here. Thanks

Not an expert on personality type, but "need for admiration" might also correspond with "Extraverted Thinking" (Te) in Jungian analytical psychology. It has helped me a tonne to look into cognitive functions on personality hacker / CS Joseph podcast.

hey... I love your contents. really!!! thnks a lot everybody! every soul here....
I would love to see something on Artists, if you think it is intersting. I think it is a common thing... art and "disorders"

Im the complete opposite when it comes to validation ot recognition from people I hate to be noticed at all. I just don't understand why ppl live for the opinion or validation of others. It makes no sense to me and I guess it doesn't have to make sense because I'm not them and I'm not counselor so it's okay lol..but still it would suck to be like that

What helped me in self regulation and feeling better, is seeing that there are two "layers". This is very subjective, it's something I want to express and I'm sorry that maybe I'm going to create a certain discomfort, as it's something rather selfish (even writing this half apology is somewhat selfish and garners attention).

Anyway, these two "layers" are our subjective experience, our emotions, our thoughts, the way we feel our body, our memories, what makes us individuals, in general. This is not separate from others or from the environment, but it is us.

On the other hand, there's life, as a system, from which derive values, standards, hierarchies.

The two "layers", in my opinion, do not go well together, let's say. We cannot love or empathize with another person, for instance, see him/her from both this subjective experience point of view, while, at the same time, impose standards and hierarchies. When you're a teacher and grade a student, you're not caring for him/her, for instance. You evaluate that student, based on certain parameters that you use to deem the person to be a better or a worse specimen, how well equipped is that being for pushing life forward, ensuring its perpetuity. The person itself, in this context, is expendable.

When it comes to BPD, this need to be loved or seen as a subjective individual, has been infringed upon, from a young age. This person has been bullied, has been treated as not being worthy to be loved or cared for, by family, group etc. On the hand, he/she has learned how to appreciate himself/herself as an individual and has the capacity or even the inclination to look at others from this perspective. Standards or hierarchies don't quite matter.

On the other hand, with NPD, this subjective experience of the individual, is repressed and deemed irrelevant. What matters most is how well does the individual perform, as a specimen.

With both disorders, there are extremes manifestations, either being in a state of severe depression, let's say, feeling unlovable and unloved or feeling incredibly safe and loved, in the case of BPD. With NPD, the extremes manifest again, in relation to standards and performance, so either an underachiever or a higher-achiever. It's not that simple, obviously, but this makes sense to me.

That's why you can have both with the same individual, because they're not quite interdependent.

So, that's why, with BPD, thoughts like: No one will ever love me, you'll never care for me, you're my everything, I'm an abuser, I hurt people, others are evil will arise. With NPD: I'm a loser, you're dumb/ugly/unsuccessful, I'm the best at everything/cannot fail, everyone is stupid, you're are incredibly beautiful/intelligent, you are not nearly good enough for me, you do everything wrong, that person is a brilliant mind etc.

With normal people both extremes do not manifest, based on cultural standards, values etc. Still, a lack of compassion, not seeing others from this subjective view, empathizing with others, can obviously be quite harmful, when anyone manifests it. "Normal" people aren't necessarily nice, while people with NPD and/or BPD can behave better. It makes sense that both NPD and BPD can have difficulties of "seeing others", but most likely those with NPD or severe traits, are lacking more, from this respect, as they see no value in it or are lacking from this respect. Those with BPD have states and moods that might impede their capacity to empathize with others, especially when emotions are so overwhelming. It's harder to feel joyous for others, when you're miserable and vice-versa, so, for someone with BPD, that has mood shifts and rather intense emotions, "looking" at another person might pose difficulties.

Really nice interview, very interesting! Thanks to all three of you. Jacob, I wonder if in your research you have come across the concept of the "suffocating superego"? I think it might help you understand how terrifying it can feel to have a completely secure relationship.

Im not sure he's just NPD maybe mixed personality disorder...

this makes so much sense. My ex husband was just like this. He prioritized everyone's else's validation of our relationship. He was dismissing of my approval. He would think I am faking my empathy and wont believe it. He was not jealous either.

I've been watching Jacob's channel for a few months now, he seems like a really cool and self aware dude. This interview was great and it reminded me of something- narcissism often starts in childhood....when he said feeling safe in a relationship made him feel like he was in a cage.. I wonder if that's because he was used to not having that safety as a child? Really blew my mind. This topic is so interesting

That’s awesome Jacob! I have been down quite a journey in digging into my BPD and I owe thanks to this Chanel. I will be checking out yours.