Shame and Complex Trauma - Part 1/6 - What is Shame?

The inclusion of religious teachings in this is a really slippery slope for me. My shame comes from religious trauma, convincing me I wasn't good enough unless I "chose" something I was forced to "choose" as a child. How do I heal shame with Biblical-based solutions, if that's where the seeds of it were planted in the first place? Being told you're doomed simply for being born is a version of your parents telling you "you're not good enough," right? Especially if it's your "heavenly father" telling you exactly that (i.e. banishing you to Hell)?

Brilliant 😢❤🎉

As a Buddhist I loved the first part of this talk where he laid out, with near perfection, the psychology of shame, and its sources. Knowing that those messages of self-criticism can be healed by understanding them and practicing self-love and self awareness, are powerful and life changing. I can now take that new awareness and make profound changes in my life, since this supports a lot of the other talks on this topic I have heard from the experts. HOWEVER, he almost totally lost me when he invoked the Bible. While the Bible can be a great source of inspiration, I prefer the Buddhist approach of the self-discipline of the mind, that would recognize that, as horrible as these thoughts are, they are mine, and although I am not to blame for them, I am responsible for addressing how they have affected the arc of my life. In other words, I have to do the work of unraveling these tortuous thoughts, recognize that I am (albeit unwittingly) the author, in order to see the light of God that can shine through my choice of unconditional SELF-LOVE recognized through self awareness , that will guide me to their recognition and appeasement which will empower me to a better life. In other words--this will be hard work(but well worth it. I think we must be careful not to say-"Yep God--heal all this crap I created for myself, then go take a nap so you can wake up cured. I think it is we, who do the work, who can call on God for the Strength and Courage to persist, when the going gets tough.

Bravo QUERIDO BRAVO!!!🎉🙌👏👏👏🇦🇷💪🙏🌳🧉😘☮️🌟🙌🫶⚛️🌈💋EN ESPAÑOL🙏🙏🙏🙏🇦🇷🇦🇷🇦🇷🇦🇷🇦🇷🇦🇷🇦🇷🇦🇷☀️♾️

very happy to encounter therapy plus scripture!!!!

God bless you ❤‍🩹

Turn lemon into lemonade

Thank you for putting a label on the "Nebulous Parasitic self-belief" that has haunted me since I was a child. SHAME. Watching your videos has been upsetting but as I "lean in" to the painful TRUTH of your message it begins to feel liberating.

Wow, all of this is hitting home for me. I'm hoping his next videos have some healing strategies. Because it is definitely hard to live with this amount of toxic shame.

We focus a lot on ourselves and our own struggles, don’t lose track that your parents have their own shame and traumas. It’s called generational curses in the Bible and in psychology generational traumas. Forgiveness is key here. Know the root but don’t focus on that root and let it manifest resentment and bitterness. Anger is a necessary emotion, but don’t get stuck there and let it fester into resentment. Forgiveness is very important for healing.

Does he have any videos on not remembering your childhood up to 13.

I want to add a foot note to this lecture. Abandonment doesn’t have to be physical abandonment. It can be emotional abandonment.

My dad remarried because he had four young children that needed caring for.

My mother was institutionalized for schizophrenia. My stepmother was abusive. It was always the ‘her kids and my kids’ thing. My father, in order to not rock the boat, would not address the abuse that we endured, even though we tried to tell him that she was cruel.

She was always spanking us and we were getting cut with her fingernails she would grab us by the neck, put us up against the wall.

She threw casserole dishes on the floor for no reason, and cried for no reason, and yelled for no reason. She made us believe it was because of us the world had opened up and swallowed everything, it would be our fault.

When we would try to tell my dad, he would say no it can’t be that bad


So abandonment can wear a different kind of skin if you will.

My father tried to find a mother for his four children so we didn’t end up in foster care. I don’t blame him, but he sure fucked up.

I was called windy whiner, I remember crying.

12 year old girls are 12 at their Bat Mitzvah.
13 year old boys have a Bar Mitzvah.

Well I just looked at myself in the mirror and I looked at me I looked at my eyes I looked at all my wrinkles I looked at my glasses I looked at me I always look at me I don't understand shame I was neglected I was abandoned I was Invisible Child mom was a narcissist my dad was an alcoholic I have 33 years sobriety I've done many for steps I've gotten rid of a lot of anger already I realized my part in a dysfunctional family it was my job to make everybody laugh I was the Clown I was always a doormat whenever anybody did talk to me negative and putting me down I'm building a new image I'm writing a new character I'm getting to know me I go to recovery programs 12-step programs

So with all the attention on boys and the bar mitsvah, what about the hidden shame messages for the girls? The sons get displayed to the world and told how proud the parents were of them and the daughters get a sense of “I am less than”. There must be a unconscious shame message in ALL women that they are less than men. I certainly felt less than my brothers growing up and I am not Jewish.

I’m the youngest of 8, my parents were tired!!

Wow that was so good!😊

All was good until the context of Christianity came. Slightly disappointed.

Each of your videos is like a treasure. It hurts but give me a clear insight which I need to understand the little child that hiding inside. I hope that understanding myself better will be the first step for healing. Thank you so much.

I love the first half of the video. The second half not so much. Maybe the reason Christianity is the narcissistic cult that it is is because Jesus picked the dumbest students to be his disciples. 🤮

Dude I don't know what I'm going to do because you're sitting here going well this is the shame thing and that's the shame thing and I'm sitting here going fuck all of those things were done to me

These lectures are very appreciated. Even with positive, consistent parenting, none are perfect, and kids can acquire overpowerring shame from the school environment and bring that frustration into the home. Especially with adolescents, when their expectations don't meet their reality, they develop anger and resentment to their loving but less materialistic parents. Parents have wisdom and understand their kids deeper hierarchy of need, but the kid who wants what everybody else has unrealistically is going to make their parents miserable in every possible way until they get what they feel entitled to. There are such children, unfortunately, and parents are often abused by their own kids, but nobody really talks about that. The extreme narcissism in our culture has facilitated grandiose entitlement in adolescents who internalize their perceived lack as shame amongst peers. It's nothing that a parent directly caused, but socially impaired kids will always choose objects and peers over parents during this stage of development.

Damn

I wish he spoke softer Not so loudly

Sixty years of shame, have to read repeatedly "take psychedelics". Problem is that many years of shame and CPTSD leaves you severely isolated and not one god darn group reaches out to help vets or long term SMI people. The hubris and bullshit from therapists who will take their damn drugs but NOOOOOOOOO won't help people like me who just want to die and have given up. But hey the damned therapists have their freak and party on reliving their childhood rave days while laughing at clients like me who actually would benefit and do not have thousands of dollars or contact with the kids, in an urban area or old fossil therapist trippers due a life of "you are not worth it" and the psychedelic therapists do nothing. nothing to actually HELP the client, but hey, at least they can feel good watching clients suffer now they want to give it to children. But to folks like me?? More shame as your profession tells us we are not worth it because we dont f**k everything that moves or or wealthy.

My entire family. School I was made fun of. I never realized how bad it’s effecting me. No when I’m alone I picture Jesus right next to me. Gave up on people, people are so horrible.

Please can anyone share about rejection from the world when you have shame, it’s like people know you need love but run away from you. I’m not a nut that would bother people, I just tried to reach out. They all rejected me. Anyone else experience this?

I didn’t think that listing to this would bring up so much pain. I’m 59 yrs old and just found out that what I have been suffering from was family scapegoating abuse. My farther set the stage for it so my older brother would verbally abuse me. All I knew of him was that he hated me my entire life all they way to our adulthood. His last comment to me before I finally had enough was I was trailer park trash. I would have not made it if I continued contact with my family.

The worst part of is for some reason people with shame seem to bring out meanness in other people. Without family I looked to my friends and my local neighborhood to fit it and was rejected by just about everyone I tried to become friends with. Why do people run away from others who so desperately need the connection. I’m not feeling sorry for myself but trying to figure it all out. I just can’t believe how cruel people could be. I live in a horse community in NY, Long Island. This is. godless place, I tried to find another woman to ride with and just about everyone of them said no way. Even people I was very kind to. They see how desperate you are for company and they laugh at you. The ones that did befriend me took total advantage of me in one way or another. I’ve turned to God now for company. But I do feel such shame knowing I’ve asked all most of them to be my friend but they wanted nothing to do with me.

One example, I saw a nice girl walking her horse. So I introduced myself and asked if she’d like to exchange numbers so we could ride in the park together. She said if I rode in the park I have plenty of people here I could ride with. I’m no wimp, she regretted that statement. Now I’m bitter.

Problem is Tim Fletcher is grouping all the causes for shame together with all the resulting behaviour. What I really need is a list of causes that corresponds to their respective later behaviors.

Well damn. Think I need therapy.

Thank you Tim

Been healing for 69 yrs. Never good enough, became ppl pleaser.

idk why or how i didn't find this sooner.. but it's a huge eye opener. I couldn't figure out why I am the way I am... this pretty much explained everything years of therapy was able to uncover.

Can you point me to the video where you talk about Free Will and how our parents had free will too? I can't find it.

My shame is crushing me know at 50+ because I can't outrun it anymore.
She told me over and over I was ruining their lives, making them miserable, and that I made both of them depressed and hospitalized, and caused dad to attempt suicide.
And that I was a huge disappointment, and a bad seed, and cruel to them.

So you grow up with complex trauma your going to have to choose to be good or. Evil … choose wisely

When you said “he picked from the reject pile so there’s hope for all of us” I lost it laughing. It’s so true, but how you presented it was pretty amazing.

Good to 38 mins

So many broken children :(

good for some people shamed

I DIE INSIDE.
THE PAIN IS UNCEASING AND UNBEARABLE.
I LIVE IN A STATE OF PERPETUAL TRAUMA AND PANIC.

I CAN'T BREATHE.
I DON'T BREATHE.

I could die from the pain of missing my best friend.
Or, actually, not really my best friend,
but they guy whom I thought was my best friend...

He betrayed and abandoned me,
discarded me like garbage!!!
(HOW THE FUCK COULD HE?)
Replaced me for another.

My mind can't fathom, my heart can't comprehend.

I live in perpetual panic and constant longing...
How could he not miss me?
How could he do this to me?
Did he just replace me, really, just like that?

I'm dying inside. My soul is truly raped
and my heart is shattered.

REMINDER TO SELF, SWEET SOUL:

This was a karmic friendship,
meant to be there for a limited time (17-months-ish)
to teach you, about yourself!
About boundaries, about self-love,
about self-respect, about self-worth, etc...
About a whole plethora of magical, juicy, alchemical things!

The universe, God, your guides, your ancestors, have pushed you, lovingly,
in the right direction: into your own magnificent powerful magical freedom!

When you let go. The universe will catch you. It’s talking to you.
Let go of everything and trust the universe. It’s within you. ✨💫

Jesus said to her: “Mary.”
She turned toward him
and cried out, in Aramaic, “Rabboni!”
(which means Teacher) - John 20:16💖

NOTE TO MY TWIN FLAME:

Dearest twin flame, I’m working on myself,
I am being 100% healed, on evert level, in every way.
This is my purification process. I am doing this for me, for you, for us.
I’m proud of myself, and I’m getting ready for you. I love you.

My problem is that I developed kind of a schizoid existence between the perfect persona whenever I'm among people and aggression breaking through whenever I feel shamed, leading to breaking up my relationships, even if being shamed is merely based on my interpretation. When it in fact happens, I don't deal with it souveraniously (not a native) but start doubting myself and my "bad actions", subdueing to the aggresor. Or, alternatively, react in a very aggressive way, what I feel shame and guilt for afterwards. Then it's all about my aggression and not about the other's behaviour. I appologize just too many times.
I have a thing for shaming myself over and over again. I slowly get an idea of it. I wanna find out who I am. Guess much nicer than what I assume. And I wanna find my dignity, knowing that I'm secure in myself and likely much safer in this world than I assume.

We need more Cis folk like this talking. Did you know I get harassed every day when I leave my house? Cause I am visibly gender queer. People scream at me in public “Faggoy!” “Dyke!” “Queer!” “Tranny!” “Murderer!!” these things more often than not are screamed at me by the public when I am minding my own business.

If u have a healthy guilt, this is a good thing! If u have none, u are in for a lot of devastation!.