Why Narcissists Won't Say Your Name

The narc's I have to deal with usually demand silence and others to shut up so they can control the "room". I found that by having a multiple source of noise such as a radio and / or multiple TV programs on at the same time at a low volume around them seems to annoy them and they avoid the area. Also, they seem to expect everyone in an area to shut up so they can be in control. They get frustrated and confused if there are multiple conversations and / or radio or TV's on while they are trying to " run the room" and may just leave to find a "quieter" place to run their game where everyone will shut up and listen. I started doing this just so I didn't have to listen to their BS but found out it is like putting on "bug repellant".

Whenever my brother sends me a text he will start it off with my name but he will spell it wrong. He spells my name with a "K" instead of a "C". My name is Cathy and he spells it Kathy. I never said anything bcuz i know hes a narc and i figured its one of their little sick thrills. So i never said anything. Then one day he texted, "Hi Cathy with a C." And i still didnt say anything about that (bcuz i dont want to give him the sick satisfaction). And then he went back to spelling it with a "K" again. Not to mention when youre sending a text there is no need to start off with someones name and that was the big clue he was doing for a little thrill.

Chinese water torture --yep. And my husband is Chinese. 🙄

To use somebody's name makes a person real. They are not just some other, or some thing, they are a person,. Abusing a person becomes harder to do if they are real.

He, the narcissist I wad involvef with, only called me by my name a few times, always in an argument when he wanted to make a point, that point being his importance, his precious time, his grandiosity, thus devaluating me, through my name

Thank you for this video - I've never heard this topic discussed before . I've heard my narc husband speak my name a handful of times in 46 years . I used to care . After the great love bombing courtship and wedding I found out that now I was his biggest rival for ANY sort of attention from ANYONE . I was to be invisible when anyone else was around , Just this week I had a childhood friend visit me as she does about once a year and I couldn't get a chance to even speak with her with him yelling over top of me and interrupting . My friend and I went out for lunch leaving him behind so I could converse with her at all . He looked so disappointed when he realized he wasn't being invited to come .

Oh my goodness! My heart jumped when I saw the title of your video.The alcoholic narcissist I have been living with for five years has not called me by my name for over three years. He calls me “Hello” and “Excuse me”. He gets irritated when I refuse to respond until he uses my name. I have noticed this for a long time. He does many other things to dehumanise me. He fills the fridge and freezer to the brim with his food ( we have different eating habits) and I am left with a narrow tiny shelfin the middle of of his smelly, never properly closed and leaking food. He eats my vegetables without asking or at the very least letting me know that he is using them. It may sound petty, but it is not. He acts as if he doen’t want me to exist. He ignores me on purpose and only interacts with a passive aggressive attitude when he is fed up waiting for a reaction and is itching for an argument. I will be leaving soon. I can’t wait. I never want to hear or see this monster again.

My X called me by pronouns (her, she, my wife). He destroyed me, but God is good and rescued me.

Those of us who have been in narcissistic relationships need soul healing to move on. Their indifference (we are nothing) is beyond evil and destructive. Jesus loves us and can help free us from any spirits of self-righteousness, self-pity, bitterness unforgiveness, hatred and resentment. It's the only way to set yourself free and to have some peace is to acknowledge these spirits in us, deal with them, so we can completely heal from the abuse.

God bless everyone commenting on this channel and thank you for your compassion and sharing your knowledge with us, Dr. Darren Magee. :)

My narcissistic boyfriend didn't say my name for the first three years we were together. When he did start saying my name it was not often and it was only when he was scolding me. He has never had a problem saying his ex wife's name and has also called me her name during arguments. I use to calmly tell him my name is Jenny and if he said it a bit more often then he might stop calling me his ex wife's name which is Jennifer. His response has always been in jealous of her. I asked him once if he's ever called her Jenny by accident. He responded totally shocked by my question with "of course not! Why would i?" I understand that Jenny and Jennifer are very similar but he knows my actual birth name is Jeanette but i go by Jen or Jenny and have suggested he call me Jen so he doesn't get confused and call me Jennifer when he's yelling at me. But again his response was that I'm jealous of Jennifer. I'm not jealous of Jennifer. I've never met her. I'm not sure I'm jealous of the time he spends talking about Jennifer and how beautiful she is and how an awesome violinist she is and about her vacation with her mother to Morocco and about her new house she bought and the list goes on. Hello... .. what about me... oh right, I'm here for sex. I'm beneath him. He always walks in front of me. I'm not his equal. He has a doctorate in music theory and I'm "just a healthcare worker" with only a bachelor's degree. He holds doors for other women when we're out but never for me because he said i can get it, "whats the problem now Jenny." When asked bt his friend at a dinner partt if I'm in music also i didn't have a ch😂to reply because my boyfriend told his dinner guests that "she's just a healthcare worker." I'm actually a bit more than that. I'm a registered respiratory therapist and a clinical therapist IV. Prior ro my current place of employment i worked 15 years at this nation's number one children's hospital. I was an educator, a lead respiratory therapist in charge of 35 respiratory therapists on a daily basis. I was on the new heart and lung transplant team. I wrote a policy on external alarms for patients home ventilators. I did so much more. I volunteered with the American lunch association for 4 years teaching asthma education in elementary schools. I did 3 years of volunteering with Drive4COPD. And still so much more. And lately I'd like to say that i hate what I've allowed to happen to me. Emotional abuse has reduced me to constantly defending myself, explaining myself, and fighting to get back up after he knocks me down.

My father rarely used my name. Even now, when I think of calling someone by their name, I feel stomach tightening. It seems intrusive.

Yes. I agree with this analysis.

Thank you.

I’ve known narcissists to say “oh, it’s you again”

“You”, “boy “woman”, “that guy” “that girl, “the postman” “the baby-sitter” “employee 267”

Calling you by your name is a privilege in the narcissist’s eyes. It acknowledges your humanity in some way. The quickest way to make someone feel small or like you’re just the ‘help’ is to undermine you in this way.

They’ll even “forget” your name or pretend like they’ve never met you before.

Strange. I avoid saying people's name, because I experience alarm when somebody says my name. I have private reasons for why the sound of my name provokes alarm.

Wow. My ex never once called me by my name in 20 years! He always called my “Buttercup.”😡
This is so true.

Wow, this is so true!. Just evil behavior!

I view this topic from a slightly different psychosocial perspective
(and why I don't completely agree with this assessment) 🤔lol

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I don't tend to use peoples names because names are these arbitrary strings of symbolic sounds that some dude literally just made up one day. That's not a true reflection of who a person is, so In my mind...there isn't a lot of room for superficial labels that only serve to identify with an egoic sense of self.

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I try to think about myself/others from a more human to human place requiring empathy and active listening to "see" people/myself...rather than using meaningless words assigned to us at birth (because what are names but oversimplified labels used to delineate our narcissistic selves with rigidly defined socially conditioned boxes, limiting what can and cannot be true about the subject in question).
My hesitation about focusing too much on people's names stems from the fact that names are devoid of meaning beyond the mental content WE assign to them.
Our names do not exist in objective reality...yet we still do.
Therefore, our names cannot be intrinsic details related to who we are.

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I connect names/labels with degrees in which a person's ego-based conceptions of their subjective reality is in control...by how strongly they react to being 'incorrectly' addressed by some 'lesser' title/name = triggering offense (aka bruising their ego) resulting in psychological distress to their egoic delusions about what makes them...well, them.


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My personal opinion: to assign such emotional value to people's names is an even greater indication of narcissistic personality styles than assigning fewer values to them,
due to the way those labels reduce our need to form genuine connections with others/ourselves in order to extract observations speaking to who they/we are.
Name fixation is like a social substitute for human profundity by replacing humanistic insights with a false mask we can present as "us" ... because to actually interact with ourselves and others would require significant amounts of time/effort that most of us simply cannot be bothered to invest.

Yet another sign that my landlord is one. Despite my only ever giving my proper name one way (whereas he has at first given a pseudonym, before I found out his real one from his employees/sub-contractors), he would address me as an overly familiar shortened version of my name (think "Steph" instead of "Stephanie", that sort of thing). This goes together with his insistence on how I'm not being a "friend" when I complain or otherwise behave in a way that displeases him, reacting to efforts to hold him accountable to our contract by berating and lecturing me on how I cause a "bad relationship" by going to the city bylaw enforcement to contact him about an issue, I "ruin the relationship" with my emails, and "cause the relationship to deteriorate" by giving him a "hard time"... and what I must do or refrain from doing in order to have a "good relationship"... and how "let's work together! Let's be friends again!" when "working together" = I compromise and do things his way. It's so exhausting.

During our 4 year relationship he never referred to me by my name, I have never heard him say it, not once, ever! I'm not even sure he knows how to pronounce it.

I recently survived a breakup with a narcissist who, in 2 years NEVER learned to say my name correctly, and instead called me by a nickname which I've never liked. I asked him a couple of months before we broke up if he was ever going to learn to say my name and so he made a big performance out of trying, but still couldn't say it. He called me by his ex-wife's name multiple times while we were together. I went away to care for my mom through palliative care for a month and he ended the relationship the day after I got home when I asked him to go to therapy because he was continually picking fights with me. He simply said "I'd rather just break up" and moved out a week later. I'm grateful that I dodged a bullet and that relationship didn't drag on for 5 more years.

The only time my narc ex-husband used my name was when he was angry with or critical of me 😢

Multiple supplies at the same time! No, name no mistake ! They are just smart.

If they see you as a threat HOW do you make them NOT see you as a threat to GET RID OF THEM?

He referred to me as “hey” to get my attention not my name. The red flags are so obvious after you leave. I was so blinded for so long, 8 yrs. Out of that mess for 2 years-No Contact and earned my masters degree. Find something that will completely distract yourself so you don’t ruminate all day over garbage.

Thank you! ❤. I have experienced this in the workplace from narcissistic bosses and coworkers. 😮 Terrible to communicate via email from people who will not acknowledge you by name. 🙄

I date a guy who said my name 2 times in all the years I knew him. After meeting me he quickly gave a term of endearment..which i adored. But, over time after we broke up and got back together- he didn't use my name or the original sweet name, instead used a term he called every female on the planet(before we dated). It was strange, degrading. I asked- do you even know my name. He said it once. And that was it. In the end, he said, "i'm probably a sociopath..that need it for me.(so glad he confirmed his odd behavior)

They only use your real name to show you how angry they are with you.

My father always had a hard time calling me by my first name. This is my experience and I am damaged for it. I remember a 4 year old walking up to him and ask to stop the use of demeaning nicknames. I had a name and I wanted him to use it. Sparing you here the details, this did not go well for the four year old. I remember his look of haughty disdain as he refused me what I was asking. Even in adulthood, he never was able to refer to me by my name unconditionally. To voice my name properly seemed to embarrassing to him. Thinking about it today at the age of 59, I realize I can't remember him ever addressing himself to me with any expression of respect. In fact and to the contrary, he was always only comfortable with me being subservient to his needs first and foremost.

He doesn't call me by my name but honey or baby, its not like he doesn't know it my name is the female form of his.

Oh Hail yes. For my toxic in laws I’m “their daddy.” And [my wife’s name] husband.” Exactly this!!!! Been there done that and got the TShirt. Yet, I am still standing. Thank you for recognizing this. It is their feeble attempt to deny your significance and humanity.

My ex never used my name after the first few months - in the first few months he never said my name correctly despite me telling him it’s “Nicola” not “Nicole”

I had obviously noticed this, but it never struck me it was part of the deal. He also called me a quite long sexual nickname I found out he used to call his ex. That made me almost puke

I can't recall in 7 years together as a couple and seeing her in her workplace for 2 years before that, my ex covert narcissist girlfriend EVER using my name. In our time together I was "honey" or no name at all if I was in trouble. I on the other hand called her sweetheart sometimes but mostly used her first name and sometimes her first and middle names together as the went well together and I really liked her names. BOY did I get told off when I did that. I always felt she avoided my first name. And this video confirms that thank you for your explanation great video.

I had this ex girl, who asked for my name the first time we met, but I never heard her saying it again. I find that insulting, and it adds to up all other things she did (my conviction: a narcissist). I discarded her.

I’ve seen it with peoples birthdays too but only with certain people as in not acknowledging pretending to have forgotten

i think we need to remember that when NARCISSISTS do this it's a problem. when you are in a healthy relationship, a nickname is a form of affection.

my dad is a narcissist and hes victimizing himself so much that he thinks my mum manipulates him and shes a narcissist he had the audacity to call her a narcissist and im sure atleast 20% of people commenting here are narcissists too but they’re not conscious about their actions and are not self-aware not one bit❕

Oh thank you for this video, very important. One guy only said sweetheart. Ever. I called him both by his real name, to show respect that he is an individual, not just someone I love, and sweetheart or such. But he didn't say my name. Since we talked about the issue, he never called me anything at all. No sweetheart, no [my name].

Using the partner's name makes cheating more difficult. If you just call everybody sweetheart, then you won't slip.
That's the sad reality.

Thank you Darren! I was finally able to put together into words the weird feeling.

It’s devaluation. My ex would just say, “he,” when referring to me, her boyfriend of many years. Using someones name is, number one, validating to them, and narcissists often do not want to validate their victim, it keeps them weak and vulnerable, not important enough to have an individual name. I could have been a cashier at a fast food place, or the delivery guy for UPS. If your significant other is not using your name, correct it immediately and set that boundary. It’s abusive.

After a YEAR of almost daily interaction, the NARC did not KNOW my name,period...I was astounded...This person was Sadistic to the CORE...GLAD he disappeard...😳💯

If they don't use the person's name, it means they can treat them like an object and ignore them as a person and ignore their personality, traits and values. Yes, it let's them ignore them as another individual. My boss did it with his clients, and my father did it with me. Even when I asked him multiple times for many years. I was his possession, not my own person.

They usually have a vile nickname for your friends I was referred to as my wife or darling but my name was used when shouting for me when I started ( the continued) no contact
He also used to call me by his ex girlfriends name at the beginning of the relationshit ( i wouldn’t mind but i have the same name as the mother of his two children who’s died 28 years ago when he was 25 ) that’s pretty messed up isn’t it

My nickname was a horrific put-down…and he NEVER, not once used my real name!

The only time my name was used was when we broke up , it felt so weird hearing them say it at first but deep down it felt good, the realisation that he had never used my name hit me like a ton of bricks but I felt like he saw me as a human being with an actual indentity for a minute!

Had someone who wanted to be a boyfriend. It didn't happen, as he'd call and whistle to my answering machine. I said, "I'm not a dog.". He laughed. Nope.

A pet name, especially one that was resisted. I worked to explain how I associated the pet name used with something very large and also yellow- not a compliment nor endearing. Even after it was thoroughly explained how offensive the term was, it was still used, more frequently, and in front of more people.

I have been married almost 20 years. My wife outright refuses to use my name to talk to me.

My boyfriend never said my name. He only started really using it during extreme devaluation and even called me "bro."
He also never introduced me to people.

I get called “hello”