7 SIGNS YOU HAVE REJECTION TRAUMA | DR. KIM SAGE

The worst for me is that I go into every encounter naively optimistic, and have suffered a ton of actual real rejection.
It's one thing working on feeling less deeply when I'm rejected or working on negative bias when I think I am - like physical gut wrenching ache - but knowing how to deal with rejection trauma while you're actually being rejected is the most difficult. People who use me, betray me, only 'fangirl' me, are 'nice' until the need to be is done, or seem like they're becoming a real friend then they disappear..... I have so much love to give yet seem to repel people!
I've spent a lifetime being 'strong' and I've healed a lot of childhood wounds, but this one is tough because as I say, there are real rejections in place. With this wound I am actually in a worse place mentally/emotionally then I've ever been because the rejections in the last few years have been one after the other. It's a lot to take. Lots of people talk about perceived rejection but those of us with this trauma also need help when we deal with real rejection.

Kim I got all them, so what one do watch bro me please

I feel like you know me.

I am currently going through such a painful rejection I literally cannot function. I need to stop feeling like this but I can’t.

This blew my mind 🤯 I can't thank you enough!❤

This happens A LOT w childhood bullying...😓😓🙏

I wont ask a woman out. I feel the rejection befods it happens. I feel she will not be happy and leave. I end up going out with broken people. Even as bad as a alcoholic.

I absolutely believe I deserve active rejection. I think it's the theme of my life.

(1.52)1. negative thoughts and believes about what others are thinking about us - looking for any time of rejection all the time (hypervigilance toward anticipated rejection)
2. tendency to engage in avoidance or isolating, hyper- (pseudo-)independence, believe: "i dont need anybody".
3. people-pleasing and impulsive caretaking, hyperfocus on others allows us to avoid pain
4. trust issues and fear of vulnerability, thus not truly enganging in relationships, making it all about the other person
5. never feeling good enough or worthy, believe: "you deserve active rejection", negative self-image, somethings wrong with me.
6. difficulty regulating your emotions, especially when people have emotional demands and expectation (struggling setting boundaries, communication, interpreting social cues, feeling like a child). Reciprocity in relationships not learned.
7. Deep sense of loneliness and isolation, Believe: "i am different", "nobody will ever understand me"

Options to heal: Trauma focused therapy, inner child work, reparenting, learning skills for self-compassion and social-skills-training, cognitive behavioral therapy to let go of dysfunktional beliefs, thinking and acting. Slowly let people into your life to build connection.
You deserve more than just surviving!
Thank you. Best wishes for everyone!

This hit me so hard, i'm almost in tears.. This has been a part of mmy life as long as I can remember.. Today I'm having huge issues with confidence and also knowing what it mens to reject my self, because about 20 years ago I started making jokes about my self.. really insane jokes. Like almost bullying my self to impress others...

It's so sad how far iv'e gone with that.. :'(

Thank you for this vid!! <3

You are so kind, and so compassionate. Yes I am constantly feeling like I am in survival mode, even now in my 50's. I constantly expect rejection, being discarded because my mother actually discarded my older brother who was 9 at the time and I was 7. He was handicapped and she couldn't handle him anymore and put him in a government institution. Later the same puppy she bought my brother for Christmas, she discarded and took to the pound a few years later when she didn't want it anymore. She lied at the time and said he ran away. I broke off contact without telling them two years ago for good. I was tired of her lying about me, trying to destroy my relationship with my daughters. They failed. My daughters love me as fiercely as I love them and she couldn't destroy that, but she tried everything she could. She even told lies to my husband of 16 years after I was first married to plant seeds of doubt in his mind. We all see right through her now. I am her only daughter and these are her only grandchildren. My father? He is an I just work here parents - but honestly he doesn't work at any relationship in this family. For years I put him on a pedestal because he was the safe parent, but was he? Now I see how selfish he is and lazy. Relationships take work! And sacrifice and planning and giving time, money and effort. Nope. He does not care. He did not protect his son from her. He did not protect his own mother as she aged from the monster, and he doesn't care that I am gone. He gets lost in his books and wine and does whatever she says. Absolutely pathetic. To this day, I ask myself, "Why does my husband love me?" I still don't understand.

I have such a fear of rejection that I've been (apart from a few short and challenging relationships) always been single - all of my 57 years. My mom and dad had a mental illness, and my older brother was slapped as a child when he showed me love. So he ignored and rejected me to the point that he wouldn't talk to me, sit next to me, and shy away when we had physical contact, for instance, when our hands touched while I passed the salt across the table.
I genuinely think that no one likes to be near me, not even my cat, although he will get on my lap. Currently, I'm on a waiting list to get treatment at a facility that specializes in avoidant personality disorder. I truly hope this will work because I'm not living, just surviving.

Rejection 1 - I was an unplanned child and thus unwanted, doctors and relatives told to abort and why would you want another girl child again but my parents still chose of have me - I’m thankful for that.
2. Rejected - for being deep skinned as relatives chose to entertain my better looking sister and play with her only
3. Major one - around 7-9 age group of kids rejected to play with me as I was deep skinned and called me name that ‘who would play with her’ - this put a scar on my soul
4. Best friend with whom I grew up with since kindergaden rejected me for new friends when I was 12. Said to others in front of me let alone best friend I didn’t even consider her a friend, broke my heart

And then the rejections followed in number of other ways

Ever since that I keep it to myself my heart and put out strong face and is always isolate

I check all seven boxes in my 50s. Through somatic therapy, I’ve learned be consciously aware of them. But sometimes I’m just on autopilot and reacting to present life through a traumatized lens.

In my case, the thing that did it for me was my Mom divorcing my Dad when I was 4, my Dad getting custody, and then when I was 7 and crying "I want to be with my Mommy" my Dad telling me "she doesn't want you, that's why you're with me". I still remember that moment in clear detail, 41 years later, even down to which street it was, and which part of the street we were on when he told me that (had just passed the firehouse), coming back from the Schwinn shop after buying a Diamond Back BMX bike. Didn't find out that that wasn't true until I was 14, but the damage was done.

Well... seems like I'm traumatized. 🥴

This really hit hard for me as a 5ft 8 man dating in a society where women only want men 6ft+.

OMG. I completely relate to this. Thank you for shining light. It is me. I was completely rejected by my father even before I was born.He wanted me aborted, left and I never met him. Deep in my subconcious I believe there is something wrong with me. That feeling has been in me my whole life. I am very shy, avoid people and even before watching this video I was feeling through it and self reflecting and you validated that I do have this belief and it stems from my father trauma and it is not my fault. Thank you again. I also have autism symptoms and I think it is related to that partly.

I felt all these traumas but not with my mother but my older sister… She was mentally and emotionally abusive with me. I was younger than her and my mom put a lot of responsibility so she grew resentment

I feel scared that my Narcissist boyfriend rejects me. Because then I have the need to go to his house to please him. Just to have peace. But when he is in the good mood I can stay without him and at peace in my home. I don’t even miss him much. Maybe I miss only the man I created on my mind I guess. He said that to me. That he can’t be this man I created in my mind and that he will not change. Maybe he is right because I completely trusted him in the beginning until I found out that he lies so much like it’s normal. If he tells something you don’t know when he is telling the true if you don’t know the truth you believe in everything he says. It’s so exhausted to be rejected by him. And when he give me “ love” I don’t believe it” . I don’t trust in what he says. Because one day he treat me badly , even break up almost every week/ month or threatened me of leaving 1 ou 2 days later he talks about marry me. He says: if you love me you marry me” . I panic and want to walk away from the conversation.

Seems like being abandoned as a child would be really traumatizing & rejecting. I knew a kid that got locked in a closet for "discipline" & that seemed traumatizing to him. Whereas continual acts of rejection seems like a pattern of neglect or abuse. Trauma has a definition. So I'm going on from that. Not to say there can't be micro-traumas. But why limit the concept to only being a repeated effect, if there's no actual definition anyways?

When you talked about feeling rejection in certain scenarios, I started remembering events that happened around my classmates and friends. Is it possible to have rejection trauma due to mostly peer influence when you live in a loving home?

Thank you so much for this. I knew I wasn’t imagining the treatment I experienced. It’s really sad that some of us come from households whereas the parents made sure we had food, clothing, shelter, an education, extracurricular activities and everything we could ever want but felt rejected by our parents. Trying to tell them these things is met with their denial because they did the aforementioned. Thank you for seeing us, rejectees!

I have gotten so far, to simply remove myself when it just feels, like I'm not being wanted.
Learning to verify now. But if it's not convincing enough, I still tend to just disappear.
Convinced, that people are better off this way.
Staying, will only get them hurt too.
Why make the process long and painful? When I can just lock, the monster that I am, back up?

Despite them hardening their hearts and distrusting as well hiding their vulnerabilities, they are still bleeding (metaphorically). A very slow speed of bleeding, that may change the person later on or it might not.

I think alot of people experience some sort of rejection in their lives. I have experienced alot of rejection in childhood and adult life. I spent alot of energy and time to win over people. Basically to have them like and accept me. This caused me grief, when i was pushed away. It did create a negativity about myself where I was hypersensitive. Now I'm older I'm not interested in whether someone likes me . I like isolating, and don't like having people around me. My tolerance level is low for people I feel good now. I don't want others issues and troubles.

I’m not looking for those signs. I am getting those signs. An absolute clear loud NO

for real i am currently weeping tears while watching this... I'm so tired of being always rejected

I love the background so much. It is very soothing. Thank you for content too, it’s very helpful 💚

This loneliness …. I feel that always. But I can’t trust.

Wow that was a lot to take in" i never knew this" mom never huged me or kis or said she was proud of me or good job....💝💝

I'm trying to get myself to recognize the likely C-PTSD and rejection trauma I experienced as a kid. I know this is really heavy, and I apologize, but after my father passed and I showed signs of wanting to grow and explore, my mother said I should have died instead of him; she told me my entire purpose and identity in life was to take care of her.

She's gone now, but... yeah. I DO feel lost when I'm not taking care of someone. I DO feel shame when things aren't perfect, because I feel that's my responsibility. And I feel extremely, dangerously vulnerable when depressed, as though my need for help from others is somehow loathsome and a reflection of failure.

I'm grateful for videos like this. It helps me internalize the fact that I'm not broken. I deeply appreciate these lessons.

I hope you’re teaching other therapists about CPTSD, Dr. Sage. I literally have been to 20 therapists over the last 40 years, trying to explain / understand what was going on with me, and you nail it. Putting a name to it was the start of my recovery. I tend to attract people with narcissistic tendencies (because familiar), but can spot and avoid them right away now. I’ve gotten all the selfish self absorbed people out of my life now, and have no regrets. Thank you so much for what you do!

I had a rich Fantasy Life as a kid. My dad later berated me for it. I'm excited to get my DBT workbook in the mail tomorrow and begin working through it. 😊

Thank You 🙏🏻💛

I'm 70, and still being rejected, get bullied and made fun of. I'm old and ugly,so I guess that's why.

We grow up Never Trusting ourselves much less anyone else😢

What happen when this grows into adult with corvert avoidance with cptsd trauma? When I was a kid I needed hugs. When I was adult I still can't hug my mom. This stop my whole life in all relationships and trust issue with almost every one.

Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me, i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, i love her so much, i dont know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her.

How can I learn to communicate better. I get so hyper focused on what is best for others. I struggle w small talk and conversing in general. I avoid it like the plague because I find so many speak over me, interrupt and are the only ones to be able to talk, and I end up rushing what I have to say because I’m only meant to listen to others. I really don’t know how to adjust this without getting better skills. I feel stunted, stifled, and not important at all. It’s not that I need to feel important, it is just tiresome to always have conversations be the same. I can’t change others and I’m sure it would be a lost cause for some however I still want to be open to what I’m doing wrong here. I hyper focus on offending also and I feel inauthentic to myself even when I can’t speak my own views. I have to be far to agreeable and have become very isolated.

All women hate me
They always have
My female it hated, and the crap out of me for a long time.

Yep, this one summed it up good. I didn't feel safe or wanted or cared for much growing up, just constantly got the message that I didn't matter. Scary parents and weird brothers too. What a madhouse it was.

Oh my god I feel so seen. I related to every single one of these and it wreaks havoc in my intimate relationships.... Despite me trying my hardest to keep it under control. The one where you are always assuming the worst is something that I do and causes the most upset with my partner. He takes it as a personal insult.

Yup, I belong no place. If it wasn't for my cats, I don't know what I would do. I realize also that I didn't want my mother to hug me, though she didn't do it a lot. It was ick, even as a child. Something, even very young, was telling me this so called love isn't right.

@DrKimSage could you talk about the effects on children of a parenting style where the parent can from one moment be mentally together, lucid, and adult, and the next raging, vindictive, and abusive. For me it was like having two mothers sharing the same body. What set her off was anyone's guess and her emotions seemed pretty random. It was hard to deal with not knowing where her head was at any given instant. TY in advance.

despite my indifference w my dad hes always said i always do stuff intentionally to make ppl reject me so they cant get to know the real me and just to be rejected. def makes sense. if i feel they are gonna reject me regardless might as well do it myself and cut it short

Can this develop if you didn’t get maternal touch as a baby? My mum had a back injury and couldn’t pick me up. Apparently she talked to me constantly because that was all she could do. I know I wasn’t abused, but I do have issues I’m trying to figure out and wondering if that would be enough to cause a problem.