Narcissistic Parent Tactics That Cause Childhood Trauma and CPTSD

Jerry, what do you think about revealing to your narcissistic family member (especially the ones who are scapegoating you) that you are going no contact (or reduced contact) because you need time/space to recover from abuse? To honest? Revealing too much to be exploited later? What would you advise?

Jesus, those covert put downs are so insidious and vile, aren't they? It turns your stomach in knots to consider the effect they've had. I know I had a covert narcissist mother and that this only gets worse with her aging, but I can't help wanting to cry tears for the child I once was, listening to these kinds of things and responding innocently to them..

The Physical neglect point touched me deeply. I remember as a child and teenager being sick and being completely ignored. One night at 14 years old I had a severe asthma an couldn't breathe, I stood up and ask my mom for help and she just turned to the other side in her bed and told me that she wouldn't help me, that she had enough issues with my sister, that she couldn't pay a doctor, that I should wait until I grow up and work to pay myself a doctor.

I used to think I only suffered emotional neglect because I "had all I needed," so there wasn't possibly a chance I suffered physical neglect but I'm starting to wonder if this was entirely the case. I was never taken to the dentist (and now I'm an adult with severe self esteem issues due to my bad teeth), never taken to the doctor unless I was really ill, whenever I got sick it was treated like a burden on my mom who was being inconvenienced (not that she ever went through much effort when I was sick, the best I could hope for was some tylenol and a lemonade), I genuinely don't remember eating dinner, she didn't care if I went to school on an empty stomach, I remember making food for myself as young as 8 and I have no idea where she was during all of this. clothes and shoes were usually gifts or hand me downs. birthdays were just another day. I didn't starve, I had clothes and lived under a roof with hot running water and internet, etc, so I always thought I didn't suffer physical neglect, but I realize now that I probably did, if only slightly. we were poor so I never thought to question these things, but I realize now that had my parents prioritized me and my siblings I shouldn't have had to live like that.

whenever I brought these issues up with my mom she would always bring up the fact that she never went to the dentist, and she had even less clothes than I did, always centering herself, always expecting me to be understanding but never making any attempts to understand me. I used to make a huge effort to understand her and where she was coming from and her traumas but, due to some personal events, I reached a breaking point and just don't care anymore. I won't go no contact probably, but my parents are no longer privileged to have access to my real self and real life.

“Aa rare kind of animal making strange noises” 😂😂😂

My abusive parents have not seen me since 2015. I tried & tried until I realised in my 40's these people never change. As soon as they discovered I was going to therapy & talking about the trauma they put me through all my life, they preferred to pretend I don't exist. Everyone assumes I am a terrible child & that is what hurts the most now. My heart turned to stone many years ago, when neither parent called me to see if I survived a 4 hour major surgery.

It's so scary:you consider your narc parents your closest people, but they are actually your worst enemy, and have no connection to you whatsoever except their DNA.

I never realized my mom was narcissistic. I always knew she only pretended to care about me when it made her look good, but didnt really care about what mattered. Kids notice it. The covert insults were abundant! Jesus is Lord of my heart so I'm happy.😊

My exs mum asked me to write her an email detailing his abuse 'so she could understand the situation more' and discuss with his therapist - he is 29. I did not write that email.

Stop sharing info with strangers period .

No contact with dad. Now no contact with mom.

Mom was narcissistic and BPD. I wish, at least in my case, that people like her were infertile.

Thank you for a very helpful and supportive video.

We 👀 at them like "a rare kind of strange animal that's making these noises"... That really is exactly how you end up 👀 at them once you start getting deeper into healing, they're like a different species of creature.Also it was hilarious the way you said it & your facial expressions,you almost had a 👀 on your face like a person walking by a animal exhibit that has a dreadful smell wafting through the air from it🤣👍🏻👍🏻.That's what it's really like interacting with them though,you realize how unhealthy they are & how bad their psychological stench is.

I experienced everything on the list except sexual abuse.

Fabulous except for the love bombing. After about age 5, my mother stopped all affection and words like "I love you." I sensed that parents who tell children they love them, spoil them. It was a struggle to get us from being any more spoiled as we were, which was formidable in her eyes.

Love your videos. I grew up in 60s. Just realized the last couple years through other creators how well the narcissist label fit my Father. Some of your videos every word describes my entire childhood. My earliest memory we were traveling to California to see my Mom's sister family. We stopped at Hoover Dam. Mom likely pregnant had to pee again. Terrified I cried being left alone with my Father. He put me on his shoulders and walked over to the edge forcing me to look at water 400' below. Panicked that I was going to be hurled over the Dam I kicked myself free and ran across the lot. Mom came back to him beating my ass. I was about 3.75 years old. I just found you a couple days ago. Will definitely watch them all.

I just listened to the part about covert putdowns and my dad's sense of humour came to mind. "Well son, I'm happy you managed to do SOMETHING right in life" after telling him that I'm soon going to be a father myself.

I am 59 years old and I am only now realizing that my mom was narcissistic. I look back at my child hood and adult hood and now I see all the times that my mom made feel like I could never handle things on my own. She made me feel like I always had to look up to her and admire her and always get her permission to do things. When I told her once that I wanted to get a job with an airline or at the airport, her response was to say. you will never get a job at an airline or with the airport. you can not do that. When i did get job with the airport she was embarrassed. So many times I have tried to talk with her and she would always either ignore me or say I was not remembering what really happened. I feel like I am such a broken person that i will never get better.

Love it

I have a different angle: toxic siblings playing toxic parents against you. As the only son and youngest I now keep my wife and children away and only visit quarterly. I pay the price again in reputation. Im only figuring my childhood out now at 50 and with help.of this channel.

For years my mom would tell me that I’m so pretty but if I lost some weight then maybe I could find a bf. I think this is what caused my low self esteem and shame of the way I look

I am not successful because my mother provided a safe nurturing environment for me. I am successful in spite of the physical and psychological abuse she inflicted on me. Of course that doesn’t stop her from trying to take credit for my success. She brags about me when she wants adoration and belittles me when she wants validation.

Dad would ask me about my sexual fantasies, I was 12 1/2, physically developing. I told him to stop, he didnt'. He blamed me: he claimed I was seducing him. I wanted to throw up. He told me I couldn't say "no" especially to him, other men, one of his brothers is perverted this way, too. Dad probably put him to it. Their mother, when I complained that the uncle told me a sexual joke "have a sense of humor". The joke nor the situation were funny. The uncle had asked me something that was none of his business "why do you have to see the doctor: are you pregnant". What an asshole. Just because he had to give me a car ride two towns over. He had no business saying that. Dad would tell me, "you're not being totally honest" when I wouldn't tell him my fantasies. His attiutde problem, he blamed, threatened and said no one would believe me. I'm still warning women with girls, not to have anything to do with him, family, too. He said I would feel guilty if he went to prison; no: I'd be relieved! I made the mistake of staying with him when i was 24/25ish. He said that if I wanted to know about sex, I could watch him and his live-in girlfriend get busy and "if you want to be raped, Jackie, I can arrange it" I was out of there so fast! He was still making comments when I was 26. I am 59. He still wants to kiss me on the lips and hug me inappropriately and tell me I have the problem. He is enmeshed. Not me. I don't want anything to do with his screwed-up thinking, or his lecherous brother. Their late mother enabled them to get away with such jokes, comments and I was expected to be a good sport. I'm not a good sport, nor have I ever been tolerant of these men. My second stepmother, after I told her about Dad's sexual abuse, told me "it's not that bad" She betrayed me; as a woman and as a cop. I have nothing to do with my uncle(he moved away, thankfully, and I don't do family get to-gethers, holidays, anymore: their main abuse times. They need to grow up and shut the hell up. I don't want to hear about their dirty minds! I never did. Dad is much worse. And then tells me to be polite as in put up and shut up, on top of that; he hates women. And thinks children of any age should be silent. Sick bastard. I don't trust him at all. Never will. He was supposed to protect me from men like him,his brother, instead, they preyed on me. I never wanted their opinion, comments, jokes, innuendoes, etc. Yet, they kept pushing the matter. I told Dad at 12 1/2 to stop, he never stopped saying those things, he is sick. He told me I could not say"no" to a man, that set me up for dating abuse. He's an asshole! I have his phone number blocked and hardly any verbal and no physical contact(he tries, I say no!), he keeps sneaking around my boundaries, he is the reason I have the boundary, he shamed me, that didn't work. I still hold up my self-protective respect and dignity, and won't be abused again, he abused me; and blamed me. The jackass!

The narc expected not to do anything yet kept me to my promises. He would lie, make excuses, yet not tolerate it from me; to this day. I won't be blamed for his not caring; he resents my existence; he won't even make a phone call, and when I say something, he gave me excuses(last week, Thanksgiving). He couldn't be bother to call me. He's lazy!

Literally shaking my head YES YES YES AT EVERY BULLET.
Today I learned another piece to my life long search for answers of wthell is the reason I am the way I am. I divorced my bio mom at 26 to save my life (obviously at society dismay) I am almost 50 still grinding away trying to fix myself. Thank you for your channel ❤

It's sad that this stuff is soo damaging, it would take as a first step to draw a boundary line in the sand and STAND UP TO THEIR crap and give a consequence WHEN not if they cross it. You have a right to LIVE YOUR OWN life without their crazy emeshment!

I just became aware of triangulation at the age of 48. My mother is the malignant covert narcissist. My dad always seemed to hate me and she always, always put him first. He became 100% dependent on her due to his mommy issues. She cultivated his rage against my presence. She encouraged it. And she would use that rage against me so that I would depend on her for refuge.
I cut her off (both of them, actually) several months ago. The smear campaign has been unreal! But, my uncle tells me that she is hiding her bad behavior from dad, and telling him tall tales about why I am not speaking to them. Good times. 🙄

Im really thankful for this video! When I talk to friends it's very hard for me to explain my experiences. I felt trapped in this repetitive negative relationship with my mother , and it broke my heart. I was blessed with a new job opportunity! Which required me to move a hour away! It's the best thing that ever happened to me! Im starting to find myself and its beautiful! Im making new friends! And im so amazed because people like me! Everywhere I go! And it's so refreshing 😊 now I have the time to heal! And watch videos like this! Thank you

My mom was talking about her intimate life with my father, when I was under 18. I couldn't understand it, and I was disgusted. I wasn't talking to her about my intimate life, but she was talking to me as if she was my daughter.

My mother would always disagree with me no matter what, she just would never like to accept that I might be right or that what I have to say might be right. She would always question me and make me feel like I was stupid or dumb.

My mother and man-child brother prevented my dad from changing his will. How did I find out? Unfortunately, after my dad died from Alzheimer’s disease, my mother out of the blue accused me of being after her money and my wanting her dead. No such thing is true, it was a blatant projection. Initially I thought she maybe felt uncomfortable for ‘owing me’, but later I realized that it wasn’t that at all. It was an admission of what my mother and brother did to my dad (and of course indirectly, very covert , sabotage me). Insidious and despicable. Only after my dad died, was I able to see my mother and brother in full glory. Only after my dad died, did I see theist true nature. Only after my dad died, did I realize that his Alzheimer’s was a result of prolonged narcissistic abuse (and due to his own vulnerabilities and nature, was incapable (incapacitated) to comprehend and cope. My dad was a loving, caring, intelligent man, taken down and out slowly after his retirement, when he was supposed to enjoy his life, and that is when the devaluation started and he was slowly but surely ‘grinded’ down. I can see it now. In hindsight…his usefulness from my mother’s perspective drleclined and deminished (instead of bringing in the dough,instead of her being the trophy wife of, etc., in the eyes of my mother, his value, his worth declined. My dad was merely a tool, a means to her ends, narcissistic supply, her husband , her children…all of us, just things and toys for her and to her.. Cold as ice.

You're describing my mom once again.

It's good information , really clear and educational. Academic.

One saving grace was that my mom was too busy in her own life to micromanage me. I went through all the rest. It's amazing any of us (kids of narc parents) survived, really. My mom's abuse sent me to the hospital in an ambulance many times, and when I stood up to her and called her out for lying about it she reported me to the police and tried to set up one of my kids to get arrested and the other institutionalized. She was trying to get me involuntarily committed as psychotic to avoid the consequences of her actions. She has no conscience and got the rest of the family to believe her and threaten me. I've seen a lot of my friends go to an early grave from this kind of abuse, it's serious. I know a lot of people roll their eyes when you say "narcissist" but this is no joke.

Covert narcissists' put downs are nice nasty.

I rage now at my mother.
After years, decades of her treatment.
Am i now also a narcissist?
I know i am toxic now myself. Finally.

All my life i was a target of all kind of men and even women, humans lets say.

I am done.

how about throwing your stuff away then denying it and getting angry if you bring it up?

Love not like ur videos 💕🙏 + ur beautiful Christmas hymns & songs 🌲 ☘️

Of all of the videos I've watched trying to make sense of some crazy things that have happened in my life, yours resonated with me the most. Thank you for taking the difficulties you've experienced and using them as a stepping stone to help others.

This is such amazing info i so needed to hear this! It’s really crazy how hard you try to rationalize their crazy behaviors and abuse and how much chaos you had to deal with at such a young age. My parents treated us like we were adults as children it was so messed up! Thanks so much 😊

Jerry carries a mean tune

Jerry you are AMAZING! This all rings true. I am so thankful for all the good information about this out there, seeking therapy at the ripe age of 64. Better late than never lol....❤

I bought myself a hat. My Mum took it off me and tried it on and said, "it looks better on me." It sat on top of her wardrobe for years and she never wore it once.

Very interesting and sadly, I can match many of these points to my own upbringing. On a side note, you have a lovely melodic singing voice 🎶

Growing up, we never got any of the love bombing - my dad reserved that for business associates. We - the family - got the rage. My dad has never said I love you to us kids, but he's said it to people in his business. We got the bellowing and tantrums.

A few years ago i was staying with my mom and i had two lil kids at the time single mother. I wasnt looking to date or anything wasnt commenting about guys or interest in dating. My mom comes in my area and starts laughing i asked whats funny she said you youre never gonna date again and just unleashes about how im ugly stupid she asked a guy who apparently knew her if he would date me and he was like no shes not my type has kids i was like okay i dont wanna date anyway dont know why u asked him that she continues to call me every ugly name you can think of including how just horrific my looks are. Which not gonna lie hurt my feelings but I made her mad cause i said i look like you she got so mad and left.

She then became abusive to my son and i left havent seen her since havent talked to her

Love how simple you make this in understanding. All the bullet points and digital combined.