Emotional Intimacy: The Missing Piece to Many Relationships

My church Redeemer in New York has an awesome question and answer session after church. It is great.

You’ve gone to the wrong churches..likely Catholic

Minute 3.00 till 3.15 so true

Im an INFP with an INTJ partner. It's quite hard to constantly feel emotionally close with my partner especially since he's a very logical and analytical thinker. I often feel close to him when I can touch him and see him but it's hard when we're apart. I know I cant change him but there's an emotional need I have that's quite often unmet and idk how to go about it or if Im just being pessimistic

Emotional intensity arises from a need to share yourself rather than your thoughts. It is not a male-female thing. It is a secure soul (inner self connection) vs a personality self (adaptive outer-World orientation, trying to fit in or present to others what living in this culture expects one to be.

Don't conflate rigid thinking and Christianity. Plenty of Christians deconstruct and build their faith stronger. In fact, a strong rational foundation is key to having a vibrant faith. How can you step into the unknown but from a stable and strong base?

Questioning your beliefs is not blasphemy. Don’t know why you would say that that’s not even close to what blasphemy means. When people ask a ton of questions that they know are almost impossible to answer because literally no body would have the answer to those questions it can be annoying and lead to people ignoring your questions.

You may be a water sign male cancer, pisces theyre more like woman they want intimacy

I forget just where I read this, but "intimacy ="into-me-see". I found that so helpful at the time, and still do.

Darn, another INFJ ❤

Great perspective, bro. 👊🏾

I just found your channel for the first time and it’s so interesting hearing your thoughts. I’m an ENTP and resonate with the struggles you brought up about not feeling understood or things you say/question that might get judged by many…I loved what you had to say though and appreciated finding a video that organized this subject in a manageable way😂 safe to say I will be doing a deep dive into the rest of your channel. New sub woot woot! 🎉

are you in a relationship or marriage? every woman I've ever been with has deeply needed my strength, stability and security more than shes needed me to be understanding and vulnerability. I am her rock, her anchor and her safety in a world of her managing her emotional reactions that often feel to her are very difficult to impossible to control. The understanding she needs from me is not completely connecting to how she experiences her emotions but she knows that she is with someone that can not feel threatened by being exposed to her emotional reactions. she needs someone she can come to that person who is a fixed point in her world of shifting emotions. when her emotions are shifting on her she more often needs to feel your stability, through a hug, a silent, steady, loving eye contact, an unswerving, unshaken posture that says I care about you. etc. she doesn't need you to share your emotional shifts, she needs your strength present when she is sharing hers.

I want this woman in the relationship. Please Allah bestow this type of woman in my life

I've found that a person has to have a certain level of emotional intelligence in order to dive deap! I used to have a guy best friend that I clicked with on a deep level from middle school all the way into adulthood. The first time I truly felt seen and understood. We believed in and even challenged eachothers theologies and philosophies on a number of subjects. It also didn't hurt that we shared the same sense of humor! What a wholesome connection that was whilst it lasted!

This is great and makes a lot of sense. In my personal experience, i work as a barista. Very busy location, and sometimes i am vulnerable with my customers about how im feeling or what i think on something. I get a few reactions that ultimately dictate the satisfaction of the short conversation i have with them. Sometimes i am vulnerable and it makes the other nervous which breaksdown communication. Or i get silent judgment which is akward etc. I can get a few other reactions sometimes even nothing at all just silence from the other person.

Now i have found, confirming what was said in the video about vulnerability, that being on the same page is peril for a good experience. Truly emotionally connecting. Ive had this with a few customers and im pleased that they are also so willing to share how they think and feel about me/something ive shared with them and vice versa its not always a personal topic. :)

Thank you for this video! It helped me put together what ive been experiencing with others that i didnt conciously see before!

The missing peace is Jesus❤

I long for a relationship with real emotional intimacy and intelligence. 😢😢

I am addicted to the emotion intimacy 😂❤you just a deep person - nothing wrong with that - quite opposite :)

I'm actually struggling with this currently with my new partner. I initially thought to give things time and be patient and hope it will eventually happen but in all honesty, you can't force these things and ultimately I know this relationship will come to an end. On the plus side, since there's little to no emotional intimacy, I'm sure we'll both get over things almost immediately which is pretty darn sad lol.

Most people won't talk to me about it, either. Do not feel less "manly" because other men are stunted in this area. Very insightful, thank you for sharing!

WRONG: CHURCH IS THE BEST PLACE FOR ASKING QUESTIONS

We are all imperfect/sinners as human beings, but with Christians, we are repentant & forgiven. We continue to sin, but we depend on God to help us steer away from deliberate/continual sin in order to live “holy” lives that are honoring to God. We will always struggle with sin to a certain level/degree bc we sin in thought, word, & deed. This is why Christians need to pray daily to ask for forgiveness & to ask God to help us forgive others and to pray for our enemies & to help us to keep from “loving” the things of this world bc we are to love God more than the world.

I like your presentation and thoughts & level of vulnerability. I’m a Christian & I love to ask questions, hear them, and try to answer them.

I was like “this guy must be an INFJ” even before you said you were. INFJ here and feeling understood feels so critical for me in relationship.

Wow you said a lot of things I believe. I welcome when my partner lets me know he finds another woman attractive. But if I were to express the same, I would be, and have been, in major trouble. I am not allowed to bring up ex partners at all. But I honestly don’t mind if my partner were to bring up ex partners. But he actually hates all his exes which is another thing I can’t understand. It does create barriers to connection and communication when certain topics are forbidden. Also, I’ve noticed when expressing your innermost thoughts and desires some of them might sound somewhat crazy but they don’t make you crazy. In our culture now everyone considers what you say to be a red flag. So if you start to share weird stuff from your childhood or dysfunctional family issues in an attempt to let another person understand you, you will be seen as crazy. It’s almost like you’re expected to maintain a completely professional demeanor in your relationship as though you were at a job and needed to keep everything very business like. Breaking past that sort of crap must be really hard for developing relationships in the era of online dating where people have to essentially create a dating resume. It’s so artificial and such a barrier to intimacy IMO. I’m glad I don’t have to be a part of that dating world. If I ever found myself single, I would just not participate in that at all. I would rather be alone.

Great video 💞💞💞

I just discovered your channel! I wish I have found it sooner I am an INFJ and I am learning more about me! I recently discovered that I need a deep emotional connection in my relationship before I can connect on any other level, demisexual.

Some men that I've spoken to find it crazy that I can find people beautiful but not want anything sexual with them. It's like the idea doesn't compute in their minds so it's very refreshing hear your thoughts on that topic as a fellow INFJ. It definitely varies from person to person so I really hope to find a partner who can understand my thoughts.

A lot of men are not nurtured and have an undeveloped EQ sadly that's why

So, I've been together with my girlfriend for around 4 months now. She is Japanese, I'm German and we met during our studies in Sweden. Already before that I got accepted for an abroad semester in Japan which is were we both are now.
In the beginning I was really happy and optimistic and felt so lucky that we met. But after our first bigger conflict last week, I noticed how different we actually are. I underestimated the influence of our different cultural backgrounds and upbringings. She has traveled a lot, speaks perfect English but often I don't feel that she "gets" me. And probably vice versa. And this is what really makes it difficult thinking about the future, as we lack the emotional intimacy. I also noticed that I adapted myself a lot and was not my true self which ultimately led to our conflict. So, I'm going to talk about this together and see if we can work on our communication and understanding enough, or otherwise we are just not alike enough to build this important emotional connection.
All the best for all of you having similar issues, always stay true to your self first ♥️

Absolutely loved this video.

As a very male human I can tell, that it was hard for me to admit that I fear-enjoyed the very kind emotional intimacy of an infp female, but since I was not used to allow that "soft" feelings inside myself, my Ego also pushed her away, since she always had Fi Fe high, but Fi was my inner demon. Plus had my troubles admitting, that I did not know how to feel or act in certain situations, so pushed away Fi even more and tried to control with overthinking and tried to overanalyse and go into Thinkingloops...until embracing and welcoming my Fi, which softened me much more and also had been able to Fe more with the world outside.

So admitting that my weakness was in not allowing myself to feel insecure, feel sad or anything like that....was really hard way of process...

This is nourishing 🦋✨

You have a beautiful mind and how you express yourself is so compelling. Enfp here.

God is secure in Himself enough to welcome any question. He is only good and there is no darkness or evil in Him.

Clay…i know of this cloning program….
Interested ?
I can see a queue forming
U gorgeous man 😊

We need to normalize learning about this more. ❤

Really good video. I think we should differentiate between guilt and shame. Most shame is unconscious and you need complete acceptance to get in touch with it.

Exactly.

I think one of the issues is that men (and women) don’t like to admit that they enjoy making their partners feel jealous. It is a control thing. When men tell their partners they’re attracted to someone else, more often than not it’s a manipulation, and that’s even harder to disclose. Men know this can trigger insecurity in some women and they use this to their advantage. It makes them feel powerful. I have yet to meet a guy who can actually own up to this, that takes a whole other level of vulnerability and self awareness.

I don't have Emotional Intimacy with people.

I had a 30 year marriage disintegrate due to lack of emotional intimacy. Looking back it was never healthy but children took the place of it, so I survived until they left home. As we grew older it got worse to where I couldn’t even discuss things with him or feeling understood. I met someone who filled that need in me and left my marriage. I’m not proud of that and regret hurting him. I think he just didn’t know how to be intimate.

I have a friend that totally stonewalls any emotionaly intimate talk.. He literally said: "ah, that last time, you talked like girls so I wasn't paying attention" 🙄

This really spoke to me because I have a “perfect” relationship EXCEPT for the emotional intimacy part, and that feels so important to me. Thanks for clarifying.

I'm watching this in 2022 after a break up. I wasn't sure at the time why I felt increasingly uncomfortable in the r/ship but it had dawned on me recently that there wasn't enough emotional intimacy. So now I want to make sure it is there with the next partner.

Amazing and fascinating subject! It is a very rare person in this world who is capable of deep intimacy!! It takes being “whole” hearted and healed enough of personal trauma/wounds. Key is loving yourself first! All your information is sooo valuable and I appreciate hearing all your knowledge and wisdom! Thank You

such a great video. i love when you mentioned the concept of being open about your attraction to other people with your partner. i notice a distinction between close friendships and my previous romantic relationships, where in the friendships i was able to talk to that friend about people we found attractive or admired, and this wasn't in servitude of an underlying conversation that secretly says something like "i value this person we're discussing more than you, and want you to align with their traits". that sort of conversation, just discussing what you like about people and not manipulating the friend into feeling insecure or unworthy, or tricking that friend into thinking that we feel some semblance of superiority over them and are trying to covertly express it to them to keep them under our control, is a very beautiful thing. apologies for the rambling way in which i wrote that, grammar is not a strong suit of mine lol. but then i've been in relationships where i felt like the other person was trying to tell me that i wasn't enough, like they were comparing me to this entity that they felt an intense appreciation for. this could be partly because that person was actively attempting to cultivate instability in our relationship, and i'm still trying to analyze that situation and see if they possessed narcissistic tendencies, but largely it was the result of my own insecurities. i remember my mother used to say how much she was proud of other kids throughout my life, but rarely did she tell me she was proud of the person i was inherently or took interest in stuff i naturally gravitated towards. this created a fear in me, something you might refer to as an unhealthy infj trait (i am an infj-t), that i was never enough, which became even more amplified when someone pointed out characteristics i didn't possess that they thought were intriguing or valuable. its a weird thing to sort through, and i hope i can achieve an internal peace where i'm no longer comparing myself to others, but ultimately i feel a little bit of regret for how frustrated i would become when my partner would share such information with me. granted, she would say things like "i know you dont like that guy, but i would fuck him", but developing a sense of self respect and security i think will prevent me from abrasively reacting to certain stimuli.

Excellent video 👍👍 super insightful. Thank you for sharing some really great content on emotional intimacy. I’ve been scratching my head recently thinking why I’m not happy in my current relationship when on the surface it should be ok - both physically attractive, financially stable, healthy, independent, etc. it’s because my partner does not understand my emotional needs. It’s such a significant observation that could be the death of our relationship long term. It what distinguishes between a situationship with a relationship and I definitely signed up for the latter. So, thank you for going through my critical issues for me to base my review on 🙏🙏