Navigating Difficult Mother Daughter Relationships with Harriet Lerner

You can know the history and still be hurt, which interferes with the relationship

What a wonderful therapist!!!

Mother Blaming Again!!  It seems to me that wounded daughters likely turn to this video, because thy only want to hear (however subtle) that the relationship problem is their mother's fault.
For once I would like to read comments or hear a speaker admit that perhaps there were times that themselves treated their parent(s) horribly. 

Did any of you you listen to the video closely? Even, Harriet Lerner, had deep issues with her very own Mother, and went on to invalidate and dismiss the older woman's criticism of her dad. Smart, Harriet had ZERO interesting understanding her Mother's point of view but some how can offer thousands of women a perspective onMother-Daughter relationships. SMH!!

Absolutely worthless, you talked so much without actually saying anything, there's absolutely nothing useful in this whole talk, All you did was blame the so-called patriarchy for why some mothers are toxic, you are so unqualified to talk about this. I came here looking for answers and help instead I got a whole bunch of lip service

It’s really hard to have a convo with my mother when she is constantly evading the reality of the situation. It’s extremely hard for me. I’ll be patient but I’m in between a wall and a hard place

I reached out in voice first then letter to express my feelings and my compassion to what she has shared with us as her story. Rather than to accept my perspective- she was greatly pained by it. I then wrote an apology for the words with the hope for her responsibility in my pain. I tried after a brief break to reduce our physical connection up until my Dad’s passing. Al my brothers particularly older brother is see is how I hurt her without considering my side of the conversation. I have listened continuously to Dr Ramani to understand the deeper level - victim narcissistic & emotional neglect. I never called her on this just took in the information. Mom doesn’t want a reconciling at a new adult level

What about ADULT daughters wanting wanting their mothers to be the kind of mother THEY envision them to be?
Some times having unrealistic expectations of their mothers 👁️

Speaking to the DIFFERENCES 👁️👁️

As I've aged, I've come to see my mom (and our disagreements) in a gentler light. She was a better mother than my younger, self-absorbed self gave her credit for being. She wasn't perfect, but she was a good person and, despite living with chronic depression, she got up every day and took good care of us. That took strength and, in the end, it has made a more positive difference in my life than I realized. May every woman be able to forgive their mothers. Love and forgiveness are the best remedies.

I read about evil mothers every day in my narcissistic abuse recovery group. The group is specifically for adult children of narcissistic mothers. The stories are just heartbreaking. Many of these vicious “queen bees” have pitted their own children against each other creating lifelong severed relationships. Some of these scapegoated children live their entire lives in despair. Some go on to take their own lives, while others become very very ill with medical conditions like auto immune disorders, heart disease and cancer. I am one of them. Living with late stage cancer after my health deteriorated dealing with such wickedness. The evil queen devised a smear campaign and told blatant lies about me. The entire family then turned away from me for standing up for myself and for standing up to the abuse

Watching it 2 years later (after recording) and found this conversation double fascinating as your self are about to be a mother to a daughter so very soon. Love and knowing Heriet for long time already, was happy to find this conversation of you 2 appreciated voices. Family System therapy is a life changing for me, thank you for bringing it upfront here as well. 🙏❤️

They say that sally fields and julia roberts in steel magnolias would have ended up estranged but Shelby died.

My daughter is emotionally abuse and blames everyone else for her behavior. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her. I am just a terrible person. My daughter believes that she is entitled to treat me and our family is toxic. She is lies even when sh dosn't have to. She goes to our friends and tells them unhurried do I look back to everyone in my life. I finally had to detach my emotion from blaming myself and can to terms that I no longer care what she wants to believe in the world she jas dedicated to live in her life. I can fix her and tried so hard to make her life Good and always supported her with her dreams. I am confused because she lives n another version of the our family. She has never been accountable for her actions. I tried everything counseling she refused to to to be responsible for anything. She was jealous of her baby brother and would bet up any girlfriend just because she could. Started abusing drugs at 12 years old.

I can't have a relationship with her, because I believe that she could take my life

I never treated my mother disrespect her. My mother is my rock and we always had a great mother daughter relateship

Why everyone assume if your child has not contact with the mother she must done something or abuse their children. Let me be clear abuse children it’s a crime, if your mother said you have to be home at 10 that’s not abuse. So all the people that accused others of abuse should be proof in a court of law. If you accused someone of stolen jewelry it has to be evidence.
Most people generalize the expression of being abused it’s a big bucket in which everything falls.
We live in a narcissist society in which blaming others for ours mistakes it’s becoming a norm. Deep down you feel inappropriate, not fulfill life. I recommend you to try to be the best you can be in life, to be compassionate and generous. To take care of you and build that person that you wish to be and not the looser and victim that you are becoming. Then and only then you realize that people are good and nobody it’s up to get you. Stop seeing yourself like a victim, you are not.

Why not go to therapy and Jesus?!
Prayer and worship has helped me; therapy and medication for depression has helped me. When I have met Christians that demean therapy and medication , I distance from them bc they have never suffered from a mental illness. All of my wonderful, loving pastors have encouraged me to go to the Dr for my brain issues. They have said it’s no different from going to the doctor if I were diabetic. Those kind of Christians that do not understand mental illness are very simplistic about life and I often wonder what they will do when they get Parkinson’s or some other brain illness. God has blessed us with good doctors!!! Use them!!!
Btw, my husband is a doctor! These types of Christians are very scary to me!!

Such a rich conversation. I could relate to some of the dynamics and took a lot from some of the wisdom shared - will need to listen back to take notes and action. Thank you for this.

Children learn what they live. My adult children (2)grew seeing their father abuse and belittle me. They grew up to do the same. I told them I would tolerate their abuse and walked away. They live near me me, but I have had no relationship with them for twenty years. Never will.

This right here....💯💯💯💯💯💯

Thank you for humanizing motherhood, being a mother is so difficult, not only for the mother history but for the difficult circumstances we have had in our lives. Single mothers that have to work 24/7 not only outside but at home, yet we are blamed for whatever reason. As a mother I feel like you are saying, we are held to an impossible standard. We are not seen as humans with fails and strength, I feel like my daughter feels like I owe her xxx impossible standard, we don't need compassion but UNDERSTANDING.

My mom hates other women including newborn baby girls. Um she was born with an XXXXXL head.

To the interviewer, learn to listen, heather at the beginning said there are few steps to take at the very beginning and you instead of saying "what are the steps" you came with your own blabla and took the conversation in other direction.

Whew, this subject is HEAVY.
Very hard to have a difficult relationship with a mother- this relationship permeates ALL relationships that follow throughout your life . Speaking from firsthand experience

Our daughter won't speak to either of us. I have offered to pay for therapy. My offer was rejected.

AmZing, thank you

Kind of gaslighty if your mom is an actual narcissist. Not every bad behavior can be blamed on the patriarchy.

My daughter 20 yo has been verbally abusing to me (I am 60 years old) for past 2-3 yrs.😪

I have been an excellent mother. She will explode like a boom and I am tired.

My why to deal with this now is to tell her I will go my way. I am very sad.
😪

This was a great conversation. Well needed. Thanks

I feel like this talk is coming from the stand point of “poor mom, the whole world is against her. Give her the benefit of the doubt, give her respect.” But all of that is earned. A relationship goes both ways..

On another note, it’s not all on the child to be the mature one and guide the conversations into a mature way. I spent most of my life being a therapist to my mother and thats a really unhealthy place to be. I think to an extent, theres only so much we can do as daughters until the mothers see their wrong doings and acknowledge them. You can only “forgive and Forget” so many times before it turns into bitterness and resentment. It is not on the daughter to constantly watch out for mother’s feelings

zero interest in having that cruel, abusive, vile narcissist in my life ever again.

That will not work with some mothers.

I really enjoyed this. I'm a little disappointed however that the burden of responsibility lies heavily on the daughter to do the work.

Best thing I did was walk away from my Mom. No amount of conversation could heal my mother, nor make her hear, nor step out of her delusions. I NEED to save myself.

So glad I had several therapists tell me to walk away from the family... Best thing for me was to walk away. No amount of talk can heal the abuse, agony, and a Mom who is not listening, minimizes abuse while disregarding you reality & feelings. DISTANCE IS RESPECTING YOURSELF.

(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). The Relationship with hOUR Children is Meant to Trigger Unsolved Wounds and Suppressed Memories and Feelings from hOUR Own Childhood so that Wee may Intergate those facture aspects to being and becoome moor whole

We the mothers are often villainized by media, medical/ psychiatric establishment and peers.. our authority to “ mother” to be responsible to look after our children has many competitors..
especially in the past 15 years where the TIk- Tok / social media culture .. take the parental space away from us.
My daughter started to be stroppy, disrespectful rebellious at age 13. Simple things like homework, cleaning her room became a nightmare. “ you can’t tell me what to do” ; go away!” That’s none of your business”
It was very hard to keep her from sabotaging her future.
There is no gratitude.. just resentment and anger.. and now ostracism.
Very painful!

I see too many women, adult women blaming their mothers for all sorts of things.
They accuse their mother of being narsasitic but it seems therapists are creating these victims of their mothers.
As an adult its time to forgive, let it go and move on.
Stop blaming your mother for issues you have as an adult.
Take responsibility for your own emotional health and stop blaming her.
She did the best she could
Even if she was a drug addict, she did the best she could.
I mean look at Tupac, he wrote a song about his crackhead mom.
Respect to all Moms out there.
I know it may be hard to believe but some daughters are impossible to raise well cause girls are Hard!.
My boy was a pleasure to raise
My daughter, a living hell.
So dont assume all bratty daughters have a narsasitic hateful mom🙂

I feel when reading some comments here, that some listeners may have missed some of the vital context of this conversation!
Remaining angry, aggressive and casting blame on your mothers by iterating it as is written.
You’ve missed the lesson wherein, the dialogue we could have created; or the approach to fearing confrontation has left the room here … Too much anger and blame in you to move on in life without trashing Her .. the lesson … listen again and understand the mothering stereotypes of the generation they grew up with . The dynamic influences their parenting had on them as young Mothers. I’m a mum , have had to cross that divide with my own (now 30 yo daughter) . Moving forward as a mum and trashing your Mum to your children and living with this sense of entitlement over your anger … 😢 try to learn to heal please . Your toxicity will easily rub off on your children. It may not be how your children react to you! It may well be how they react and conduct themselves with difficult friendships or partners in their future lives.. Remain calm, breathe.
This conversation was excellent fodder for me! So Thankyou Shey❤❤. Recommended by my Psychotherapist in Australia; Who like Ms Lerner experienced a caustic & denigrating mum in her life. Teach as they do and heal 🙏
A valuable tool in conquering parenthood; relatable to Fathers too. ☮️💟✝️

It's difficult being one of two daughters and having a mother who treats us very different. I love my mother but I can't forgive her for buying a summerhouse to my sister and leave me with nothing. Especially since I am the one who cares about showing my mother love by being with her on Christmas and mothers day, which my sister would never.

I couldn’t love this any more. Thank you ❤. More of this please!

my mom is my biggest hater, she's constantly made me feel like shit, she picks apart my appearance, criticizes what I wear, criticizes what I eat...how is she not tired of being that way.

Adult children who go no contact never get asked how they feel. All the sympathy goes to the mother! God forbid the adult child distance themself.

Thank you!❤❤❤

so informative, thank you.

Once i heard patriachy i had to skip.

I'm the mother in my situation. And if you asked my daughter I've been a terrible mean and vindictive mother. But that was never my intention and I feel so lost as to where to go from here. My daughter views me in an absolutely terrible light. Says I want to be her friend and not her mother and that we don't even have a mother daughter type of relationship because I want to be her friend.. and while I'd agree I that we are friendly. So are my mother and I and we have always leaned on each other. Something my daughter quite clearly rejects.

I wish I could say I'm going to send this to her and try to work on things, but I think she will just reject me. It feels like she wants to reject me no matter what. I do get angry and I do slam things down and slam doors and maybe even accidentally break things but those moments are usually in very heated situations and I think I do those things to assert myself and maybe even try to display some sort of dominance. It's not something that is thought out or intentional. I've just been thinking about all the whys lately. And she's a mom now too and she counts on me for far more than I think she should. I'm going through a lot emotionally myself as I walk my own journey. And the pressure of being as involved daily is a lot. And I find myself crying myself to sleep most nights. I've been a single mother most of my children's lives and we did leave a very toxic and hostile if not violent relationship with her father. And I feel like she blames me a lot for that.. I'm just struggling to be a person in the world, and have any shred of confidence and her total disapproval of anything I say or do feels very much like a shunning from the only family I really have. And I feel very hurt and isolated. I don't really want to lose my daughter before I die.. and I don't want to lose contact with her boys who I babysit to some degree if not all day every day just because she's so mad at me.

I wish I knew what a normal mother daughter relationship looked like so I could give it to her.. but I'm just me, that's all I can offer anyone.. but I'll love her until I die.. 💔

It is not hard to be a mother, it's not hard to love your daughter. This video gives bad people excuses. to act badly.

My teen hates me. It’s awful.

Harriet, thank you for the respectful framework, the support for each daughter's right to her limits and her own position, and the perspective of asking questions to find honest ways to uncover information. This seems to afford both people choices. THAT seems really productive ground.

My mother is not a narcissist, in fact, she suffers from low self-esteem to this day at the age of 78 (I am 44). My mother hit me twice in my life, once when I was 5 years old and I cut myself with my father's razor and another time when I smoked marijuana at 14 years old and she beat me with a belt until I drew blood. of my thighs, I was covered in bruises and very traumatized, as it was not customary to be violent even with me and my brothers (me being the middle child) while screaming madly that I was going to be admitted to a rehabilitation clinic for drug addicts and calling me a prostitute, said I was going to start prostituting myself to get drugs (I swear I just used sex, but she was terrified of the possibility of me becoming a drug addict and nowadays I understand her fear, but I can't forgive her violent reaction and words) offended me with the dirtiest names imaginable and I spent a year without receiving money from my parents for anything, as I never bought drugs in my life, I just smoked marijuana with friends at school, they took it, not me. Other times as a child, she screamed that she hated me, while arguing with my drunken father (deep down with hatred for her own choice of husband) and when I was 21 years old, she threw me out of the house because I complained that She dirty the kitchen floor that I had cleaned, like I used to do every day to clean up my father's mess.
My father: lawyer, blind, alcoholic, cheated on my mother even though he was blind (a very handsome and inteligent man who became completely blind due to a surgical error) with many women. My mother: bitter, smoker, civil servant in a school office, worked 8 hours a day; We had a comfortable material life and my mother was not physically affectionate, we only touched each other on Mother's Day, mine and her birthday and Christmas and New Year. I'm talking about actually touching it, with your hands. She doesn't touch any of her children!!!!! She's cold, but she's generally kind to everyone, the strangest person I know. I think she was beaten a lot in her childhood... so I try to understand and forgive her. I am from Brazil... Thank you for this video e for whomever read my comment until here! I hope you (we) all heal from our traumas! 💖