The Easiest Way to Improve Your Relationship | The Gottman Institute

So a “bid” is a request. This can be male or female… If the nonverbal bid/request is not seen, or ignored, the ante is upped, & there’s more on the line bc the requester feels ignored. As in ‘how could u not see or know that I needed help?’. Frustration follows. And the next “bid” is verbal, and irritated, but the clueless one, doesn’t get it, and wonders, ‘why the anger?’ And the “bidder” responds, ‘you never help me.’ Desire to connect, to be available, to be present, comes first, before anything can work well.. Many ppl don’t really want to connect in their marriage, but are in a game of pretend. By Pretending they can claim devotion to something greater than himself… the marriage, when in fact, the real devotion is to one’s sense of freedom, irresponsibility & non-commitment, while getting the benefits of marriage….. a family, regulate sex, a clean house , meal prep, laundry clean, & kids taken care of…..

The idea of labeling someone a master encourages one to compete with people outside the relationship rather than connect with one’s partner. Also some people sigh when they are sick and tired of dealing with you, have asked you to GO AWAY and you won’t! Stop trying to convince someone to be in a relationship with you by hinting that you do what “masters” do. Learn to take no (and don’t stalk!)

Do you have guide for neurodivergent partners? This guide seem to only work for neurotypical partners. For example my exasperated sighs are not any bid for attention they are expression of sensory overload neurological issues and pain that they cause. Last thing I want at that moment is attention :)

Sorry, but I got tired of constant "bidding".

We have been together for 25 yrs and never sat on a couch like that😢…separating …

shit gay

My problem is when he makes a bid for connection in the middle of unresolved disputes or just when I need time to shift my mood. When I finally try to warm back up and make a bid, he's annoyed and rejects it. I told him my fear of being stuck with someone who isnt relationship minded/stuck in a loveless and unhappy relationship. Whenever i see signs or hear some things he says, I want to run.

Imagine being an adult without enough manners to know when to put the phone away

Why was there a gay male couple in an example? Education should not have political propaganda embedded within it. I think they call that "praxis" and it's gross.

Excellent!!

It just won’t work when you are the only one worried and wants to make it work.

Some folks are so busy bidding for all the attention that they refuse to notice incoming bids.

He always ignores me. Stonewalls me if I try to express with words. What if I'm a master in the relationship because I do all the work and he literally destroys us...me. I have been an idiot and fool for more than a decade.

Thank You!!

This has got to be the most common sense andobviouse thing I've heard, still good though for people who don't grasp this basic concept

would be curious to know Gottman's view on those with Autism and bids for connection. I have found my partner needs very clear statements of what I need/want him to do and he does not pick up on subtle cues

Ignore partner at all times

thanks

Idk what caused her to just be distant. However I know my past and social behavior annoys her to the point she Will never trust me and that’s what I’ve accepted what I have done. No matter how are you make it work. Trust is the key 🔐 to any relationship , mechanic, doctor , platonic ,etc

Thanks. Now I know more about the easiest ways to improve my relationships.

Thank you i really needed to hear this

Abusolutely right 👏👏👏👏

Interesting that at the end they were showing what looked like a rom-com on the screen instead of a sport's game.

Bidding? This dynamic is way bigger then most of us care to believe. I started a conversation with my lovely wife on this subject and it has generated some interesting discussion! Thanks for putting this information out there!!!

All thanks to the greatest of all time Dr Ase coven he help with his spiritual powers to restore my broken marriage. I meet him on his face book page.. Am greatful!.

All thanks to the greatest of all time Dr Ase coven he help with his spiritual powers to restore my broken marriage. I meet him on his face book page.. Am greatful!.

All thanks to the greatest of all time Dr Ase coven he help with his spiritual powers to restore my broken marriage. I meet him on his face book page.. Am greatful!.

I love how you mention the seemingly small, insignificant crossroads in the beginning of the video - those are the things that can snowball into resentment. Great video!

If only my wife could understand English. This video is a game changer but only I can understand it. We live in separate houses right now. Besides she refuses to show interest.

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I think there's more naunce to a relationship than just leaning into bids. It definitely is a start but very subjective.

my partner constantly makes bids (sighing is a big one), but when I "accept" them, he turns away/gets angry/... (no, nothings wrong, why do you bother me all the time, etc) ...this does also not encourage me to make any "bids" myself...

I find it hard to communicate with my girlfriend. Sometimes going out for a meal together is uncomfortable because we both just sit there in silence even tho we both just had fun at the water park before hand. I want to hear from actual people who have had bad communication and then managed to turn it around. Need a bit of hope

bids for 'attention' perhaps

Observation does not make healing.

1. Women get used to you.
2. Stop appreciating you.
3. Tell you you're the one that ruined the marriage because you're the man so everything is your fault.
4. They leave you.

Guys, you have a better than 50/50 chance of ending up like this, do you want to go through with it?

Bid for connection? In my receiving experience the sigh/huff is a sign of annoyance, complaint or frustration with the other person in the room.

I can’t get over how “make” and “break” were placed on the wrong sides...

I'm Christian and I LOVE this video!
God created us as we are and wishes us to share our love. This also counts for gay/queer love. It's the same emotion hetero people have. God doesn't devide people, he brings us together.
Furthermore, we humans have no right to judge one another. We ought to give love and respect.
Dear gay, queer, hetero people: Keep spreading the love. Don't listen to selfrighteous people who are full of themselves. Love is love! 💕

This is great and seems to be a healthy way to nurture all kinds of relationships.

Simple but great insight!

Makes sense!

Very nice! But what if your partner has Fear of commitment and ADD?

The Gottmans should do matchmaking

I get that we should turn towards our partner. But how much Turning Towards my partner is enough? I feel like my partner always wants me to turn towards her every minute of the day. Basically I have 2 jobs, 24/7/365 with no vacation. My first job, is my actual career where my focus is needed every minute throughout the day. Then after work, I come home & my 2nd Job starts, giving attention & my wife's needs every minute, but I hardly get a break for my own self or sanity. My wife thinks I hate her or thinks she's not good enough, if I don't fill her up with attention 24/7. But yet, I married her & love her, so obviously I don't hate her. THIS, is why we argue.

And what happens when you just dislike your partner and don't want to be with them anymore?

So hold all the way up... The gay couple had to be depicted as masters? Ugh... The Internet and its sick agenda. Off of this I go