Autistic Masking: The Damaging Effects of Long-Term Masking and Camouflaging

This. I’ve been masked for so long that I don’t really know what I want.

I think I was "masking" (with the "help" of antipsychotics) without realising it. After weaning myself off antipsychotics, my mind was less foggy and I saw certain people for the fakes they really were. When Covid hit, I found the isolation a blessing. Hell really is other people when you're autistic.

This is the best explanation I’ve ever heard. My son (13) masks a lot. He says he thinks he even masks to himself. The long term effects worry me and I really want to learn how I can support him to be true to himself as he grows up. It’s very complicated though, and I don’t always get it right.

How do you know what your authentic self is? I got severe burnout a couple years ago and have really struggled for consistency.... but my authentic self seems unknown that all I have is the mask

Great advice but still gonna mask because it's what the normies demand of us to make them feel comfortable :/

I can relate more than I'm comfortable with...

I'm in my late thirties. I had never even considered an autism diagnosis until the last several months.
I always knew about the socially constructed self and just assumed that's what I was doing, it just happened to be all the time, even with those fairly close to me.
Heck, five or six years ago I even remember thinking to myself that I'm not sure what my real personality is as I keep using these constructed selves almost the entire day. It was really just my days of solitude or nights where my spouse went to sleep early that I could even begin to start unmasking, and even then not fully.
When the pandemic hit, I had the ability to be home alone so much. Being able to not have my socially constructed self "on" all the time was amazing.
It wasn't until several months ago that I started seriously considering an autism diagnosis. After watching many of your videos, and many other discussions about autism, masking, burnout, etcetera, etcetera, I made the decision to seek out a full diagnosis. I still have a couple of months until I can be seen, but just listening and watching these has brought a great deal of mental comfort.
All this to say, thank you for the videos. One day I hope to feel secure enough to be able to peel back all of these masks.

Well spoken...

What action could you take that would “recharge your batteries” when a situation that you feel where you have had “mask” what can you do to “find yourself”?

I am passing along all these videos that you are making these videos!! My Grandson has NO filter!!

I think that it is amazing that you can “teach” these program!!!

I have a different perspective on masking ... for most of my life I thought personal growth for me was changing myself (in a fake it till I make it way) towards something more socially acceptable. I've been through different stages of trying to change myself to this so-called ideal but I've decided to stop. I have never lost the core sense of who I am and now I have stopped doing this, I have enormous amounts of energy that I realise I must have been using on my distorted understanding of 'personal growth'.

I don't know any more if I'm masking or not. I think I don't know who I am. What is it to be someone? I have all the self-loathing you mentioned. Masking is extremely hard and incredibly tiring. I ultimately always fail. Being myself (which I hope I am) is even more exhausting because of the unending criticism and ridicule, so that I am constantly on my last leg with regard to physical and mental endurance.

Unmasking is the hardest part of it all. Especially because it was always positively reinforced all our freakin' lives.

I call it "pretending to be a human"

You put into words how my brain works. Thank you. That actually helps.

The problem is violent society: we’re always one phone call away from the government gang enacting corporeal harm to us

I spent years masking and my husband could tell I was not fully present. However, when I stopped masking, he did not like me and we divorced. But it is ok, because I’m much happier

I've never been diagnosed with autism however I always had a weird stimming by squeezing my nose (sort of). So in my third grade in school, I totally masked it, I stopped doing it. At the age of 13, I started suffering from migraines. 25 years since then, I've been fighting migraines and now I am thinking maybe I found the reason.

When i dont "act" i get negative reactions, when i do and i cant hold the mask up i get negative reactions... I just rather be by myself and not abandone myself... Its not worth it.

From experience, I found the best thing to do is to study how people interact with each other and become familiar with it

Hi there!
Do you do 1-1 coaching on how to deal with a loved one with ASD?
I have someone I hold in my heart dearly who was my best friend and lover for years. Until he started to move out of his safe place, get a new job, got too busy, new friends and started to mask. With me and others. We didn’t know he had asd, but I do now I felt like I was talking to a facade and it was confusing and heartbreaking. I now understand this was probably masking.
I have zero judgement, I just want to understand, make him feel safe cuz I want to real him back, i loved his weird little ways with things, and I always let him be him. The real him behind the mask. We had a magical connection. He said I was the only one he didn’t feel like an alien with. The masking was devastating and broke us up. I didn’t get what it was. I have been in so much confusion and pain and felt so upset about his “facade” but I want to understand. See it from the ASD side. Some insight. Can you help me? I think one session will be enough. And I appreciate your vunerability and honesty in this video. 🙏🏻

I haven’t been diagnosed but my family believes I’m autistic. I’ve benefited from your program. Thank you.

Your comments about eye contact are right on target for me !

This message resonates and speaks to me so strongly. I myself have been masking since I was at least 8 years old and I definitely feel like it has impacted my life in negative ways.
But I've had the mask on so long, I'm not even sure who my authentic self is anymore. So I will definitely be checking out that unmasking video you mentioned

Short and sweet. I find myself getting outwardly angry and frustrated if I try to be myself. It hurts to stay hidden, and when trying not to hide. I have not been diagnosed But am sure I am on the spectrum. 61 and very lost right now. Also very uncomfortable even typing this short message. Thank you for all of your video's.

I can very much relate to the feeling of not knowing myself because I am masking. I am 40 years old and not entirely sure if I have autism.

All the tests I've taken say yes, but why I'm not sure is that I also have PTSD and CPTSD where some symptoms can be similar, but for me it would make sense to have autism. This is a pretty new topic for me and I am just trying to come to terms with it.

The past relationships I've had (or not had) and my work life, why I often feel burnt out and why it sometimes takes me a week to recover from meeting people. Not knowing who I am is not easy, but I know what I will be next year in the working world, a technical artist, and that is amazing to me.

I don't keep in touch with my old "friends" because I don't fit in anymore, I never belonged, but I've been pretending for so long. Subconsciously, I've already become a bit more relaxed about not fitting in, and that's seen quite calmly in the degree program I'm in.

That being said, thanks Paul for bringing up these issues.

Masquerading
Acting
Simulation
Keeping up appearances

this really resonated with me. I'm 51 and just found out I am autistic (although I don't have a formal diagnosis) I hate myself yet I don't even know who I am. It's such a weird situation. I realised that I don't let anyone close. I probably could have friends but push everyone away. It's a mix of autism and masking but also not being accepted as a child so it's a double hatred of myself. Thanks so much for this video.

I’m 39. I didn’t know until last week. The only way I can come close to explaining how I feel is I’m an awkward Vulcan and Rorschach. When my mask starts cracking I go hide in the closet. Thought that was normal until it was pointed out to me that it’s not.

Thank you so much ❤ this was really a super video!!!

It’s especially damaging when for years you receive the message from a parent that you won’t be liked and accepted for who you are. Mold yourself to what people prefer.

This is amazing. My husband is on the spectrum, but he could never talk like this about his internal "goings on." I've been told it's because he has "mind blindness." He would never be able to talk like this. He can't explain how he feels. He doesn't even know what he thinks. He can't tell me anything that goes on in his head. He doesn't have the foggiest idea how he's feeling or what he's thinking. Thank you for this!

But I don’t get accepted for who I am even though I’m masking. I constantly hear that I need make eye-contact, that I need to pretend to listen and make uh-huh and hmm noises, and yes they even say ”pretend”. Wtf? Society does not accept us!

thank you so much

This hit me on a very deep level

Wearing a mask during the 'rona was weirdly relieving for me in social situations. I felt like people had to listen to what I said more instead of looking at my face to determine my message. I realized a lot of people were assuming things based on my facial expressions despite those messages being unintentional and completely unrelated to the conversation. I kept it on for months afterward even as my coworkers (mostly) slowly started to stop masking after the mandate stopped.

Not that this stopped me from fully masking at work or 'trying to be better at my job' by adding more masking through added social responsibilities and more 'friendliness' as defined by neurotypicals...

This is the Autistic Version Of Anti Gay therapy, or shock therapy. Its fuked up we have to change who we are to fit into a world that dont care about Autistic people. I hate normies. Evil bastards. Masking fucked my self confidince, self esteem, and I can't love myself. I didn't get love, i got used. I got ridiculed , like I'm a doormat

I'm just passing through that at the moment (with a depression) and a feeling that I don't really know who I am... after masking for more than 25 years. I just had to go away from everyone because I can't mask anymore but I don't know how to act either. I'm waiting for the results of an autism diagnosis. Thanks for your video because it explains it very well !! I really like your videos !!

I am one of the many women who have just realized that they have been on the spectrum since day one. I studied psychology and and I remember being told that this only happened with boys. Why wasn’t really discussed, instead we were shown what you’d expect Hollywood to write. Woefully inadequate.
Frankly it’s rather embarrassing. I had created a mask so well that not even i was aware it was there. (I cosplay too, I was literally masking upon a mask.
Right now I find myself in the stage where I’m now seeing everything from a new pov. Along with being terrified of who was I.
Until two weeks ago I had never purchased a curtain in my life. I was so afraid I’d get it wrong, combined with my poor executive functioning skills led to decades of white-ish blinds. Along with zero to none decorative items. Today they arrived, are they an obnoxiously teal? Probably. Am I still putting them up? Yep. Right after I take another two months picking out a curtain rod. You still gotta celebrate the baby steps at least I made a freaking decision. 🤷‍♀️

And then you start to question why you actually deserve to rejected, that there is or must be a lot more wrong with you, that you are fundamentally defective, detestable and incapable of genuine connection or care for others

I hate that feeling when someone compliments me for being someone I’m not. I put out this persona and it feels frustrating when people interpret the person I show them in a way that contradicts who I really am. It brings me out of the moment and even though they probably mean well, it highlights this wall between us. I start to feel like maybe this person is my buddy but their complements about the person they think I am make me think that a genuine relationship between us will never work, that they’d never like or accept the person I truly am at the end of the day.

Masking particularly for females is about survival. Society will punish women more jarshly than males. I mask to protect my self and will not drop it.

English is not my native language sorry if i make some mistakes, but i have to relieve my actual feelings, i’m so tired, beeing a person with adhd, recently at my workplace, after 4years, i was warned to behave my self, there were some complaints about me talking to much, beeing late, taking too much time to be out my chair, etc. my boss talked to me and made me promise with a PIP to ímprove in those areas, now i found this video and i realize that now i’m masking, trying to behave, now i talk only if i have to, or stand up just a few times a day, and i have to fight with myself to be ontime, for me it’s exhausted, people now ask me if i’m angry or desmotivated, when i’m not, it confuses me, i dont know what do people want, and i dont know how to keep this behaviour because i feel si tired

I naturally mask zo, I have done myself no damage.

This is the best description of unmasking ive heard. Gonna share this with friends and family

I love the singing bowl in the background. That's a great one for meditation and calming as it really does bring my attention directly to it in a way that's relatively pleasant.

One of my earliest memories was at about 4 or so. I was trying to stim (specifically trying to stim without bumping or blocking anyone else) and got yelled at by a nearby adult volunteer for the event. So learning how to let my actions out has been amazing with managing my breakdowns and stuff

I'm in this picture and I don't like it