Why do people who have been in narcissistic relationships struggle with intimacy?

Thank you for this video, and indeed, all your work in this space. It continues to amaze me how accurately you can describe my experience and experiences without having met me. I'm grateful for these professional insights and have woven them into my healing journey. It's a hard road.

enablers say what. police there are just a few bad apples.

😢 a couple years ago my husband's best friend died and it was very sad that no one reached out to him and his family to give him consultant I did so he got angry it was not the consultant for the people he wanted it from I want to hear him hugged him kiss him and tried to offer my consultant I went through 18 hours of beatings hot water Burns 3rd degree burns I don't think I deserve that it was just all because I love him tractor Glass Broken Glass that was broke over my head made to shoot my pants on the toilet it was so degradable just not fair it has scored me inside and out forever

Dr. Ramani spot on as usual ❤ God bless you for helping so many of us. Through videos like this and turning to Jesus I've found a a solid love for myself, trust in God and calmness in being alone. I fully understand that PEOPLE are the most dangerous "things" to me encounter in life (or perhaps the spirits behind them) and its absolutely ok to protect myself. Us victims are in fact special. We're not what the sick narcissist said we are. We are just fine and enough.....Amen ❤

I had no identity when i moved out to go to school and i was super insecure

Where I'm at now: the effort required to get just a little something good in a friendship or relationship-it is not worth it. Especially when you consider the risk you are taking. Books and pets:the safe satisfying alternative to people. People remind me of the snake in that song by Al Wilson: why did you bite me? Because I'm a snake and it's my nature. Substitute the words human being for snake.

I'm riding the bench indefinitely.
I fall for the sob story and I get toyed with and told how grateful I need to be that THEY are in my life. It's all a terrible joke and I'm sick of it.

abused as a child by parents and sibling. narcissistic abuse by spouse for 27 years and counting. I have contemplated for a long time about whether or not I'd be able to reject advances from any one who may show an interest in me or who is kind to me. Would I cheat? I'm not sure if I wouldn't. I"m incredibly lonely and have never experienced intimacy. I crave it so badly but I'm afraid I will never be able to experience it.

So powerful and true! Thank you doctor!

The biggest thing for me is that I won't trust anyone to have sincere or lasting attraction or intimacy with me. If the first 5 years could be so great, then the rug slowly get pulled further out without me having any control, who can I ever trust? How many lifetimes will it take to find out if someone truly cares about me and is stable?

I never thought of this but Dr. Ramani is right that we struggle with intimacy the most. It depends if the person even recognizes that they were in a narcissistic relationship in the first place. By the time you do, I feel like it may have taken some time to recognize it for what it is. When you are in such situations you put on layers of stuff to cope and survive. You put on a layer of mistrust, of flight/fight, of becoming overly sensitive, cynical and judgmental, of high doses of self doubt, of putting others first and etc. And by the time you have gone through these types of relationships you are enmeshed in a sea of layers of coping mechanisms that are self harming and no longer needed. I think that avoiding intimacy comes from a lack of trust and self doubt but also comes with burnout. Taking off all those layers of matted coping mechanisms is the biggest challenge. Pealing a layer at a time. As healing occurs, I feel like I’m no longer as fearful of intimacy like I was before. But I know that when it rears its head in my life hopefully down the road..not now that I would be able to overcome any blocks and establish a healthy relationship. It just feels easier and safer to be on my own. And using the time to go after the goals that I denied myself because I was in that type of dynamic for a very very long time.

For me, I just can't risk going through that type of pain again.

I Was raised in a relatively safe and healthy environment and did not know that emotional pain could hurt so bad.

I would rather not feel that deeply for anyone if they have the potential to have me hurting like that.

I admittedly have trust issues when it comes to Intimate relationships now.

I dont treat others badly because of it. But I literally cringe At the prospect of falling in love.

I could not imagine myself putting myself in such a vulnerable situation again....

And based off of The foolishness i Dealt with because I was in love, The ridiculously absurd amount of pain.... And the wickness That people who claim to be "in love" do sometimes.

I think that being "in love" might be a curse. So I give love, But it comes from a place of choice and not necessarily compulsion.

I am honest about my feelings towards to potential love interests and have been asked to seek therapy.

But to be honest I don't really want the "help". I don't really understand why people want you to feel so mesmerized by them.

I honestly feel like
If I were to let my guard down again, They wouldn't really care about how I feel (or how bad im hurt) if they changed their mind about me. OR either they would stay with me out of pity, which i wouldnt want either.

To me it just seems like a power play. They just want to have a certain power over me. Nope...
Not me, i Have touched that hot stove b4.

Not doing it again.

I had no idea I was supposed to feel robbed of feelings with an abusive narcissistic mother. What can I say? I never feel lonely. I am happy with myself. All those people trying to make me feel bad about myself, falls on deaf ears when you have a mother like mine. I am a trained loner.

I really wish you would talk about this in a military context.

I think being unconditionally loved by my parents, didn't prepare me for a man who pretended to be like them until the day after I married him.

I know my father is not a narcissist, but he definitely denied and invalidated my feelings. He couldn't fathom me having autonomy, a mind and feelings of my own. Patriarchy much? It hurts like hell and I'm picking the pieces. Good thing is my new partner is nothing like him, and I can keep him a safe and respectable distance away.

Gosh I love this woman, she literally saved my life.

Thank you for being you, Dr. Ramani. You’re making such a difference 💕🌸

They leave a trail of destruction which takes decades to clear when you have children

My parents actually have told me that I'm mot made for relationships and closeness, but that I should live my life all alone with no education and no job and have gone after my relationships to break them up, but congratulated me if assaulted and used for a one night stand.

I recently left a 10yr narcissistic relationanship, But OH MY GOD!, I had NO idea until now that I had it in my childhood. My stepmother was not only hateful was actually a narcissist!!! Now that I finally met my soulmate and the Love of My Life, I'm not able to orgasm with him because I have sexual dysfunction from narcissitic abuse. Its ruining my beautiful relationship with him. I'm starting therapy and I hope to God, at the age of 60, I can be healed from this.😔 Please pray for me.

HEAVY! My biggest regret is coming to this understanding so late in life.

I’m done giving physical intimacy to someone who’s abused me. It’s painful but any time I give in I get badly emotionally abused within a day or two, every time. If I don’t give in, boundary crossing and ignoring my verbal statements to make things clear get ignored until I speak more strongly. Too often I’ve seen the person in my position being called an abuser for withholding. Insanely perverse. If you abuse someone, and they refuse to embrace you because you have harmed them, take a look in the mirror.

Quite a nightmare

I only experienced it for a little less than three years - the final year being the worst - so compared to those who grew up with a narcissist, I guess I was lucky. But for me, distrust continues to be the biggest issue - I just don’t find myself willing to open up and take the risk again - yet.

Dr. Ramani, lately I’ve been noticing how much ‘ethically’ non monogamous / poly relationships are becoming more common. In the dynamics I’ve seen, it’s one partner who wants the freedom, and the other partner who just repeatedly got cheated on until they gave in….. to my understanding, poly is where both partners are open to being in other loving relationships. Could this be a topic to cover with narcissism?

This video hurt like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.
💔

The hardest thing with my spouse is in her childhood, her father was so caught up with his mission to be a great dad (even wrote a book) that the time and attention demands were often to do fun things. Go get ice cream or go to the park etc. so she’s convinced her childhood was not that bad. But he has zero boundaries and even now we can’t easily tell him No. I’ve experienced many of his adult tantrums. Even over a pancake breakfast. This man has a Phd. It’s so hard for her to see but the evil of emotional abuse is almost daily within our relationship now.

Thank you dr Ramani❤

I grew up with a very narcissistic father, I spent my young years desperate for his approval, then when they divorced I had my teen years being told he never wanted us. Last year the malignant narcissistic ex was arrested after a very manipulative and controlling, that became stalking and a hideous smear campaign where he contacted my work….
Since then, I do very much want to move on, but I can’t seem to be able to do it… emotional and physical intimacy in particular disgusts me. What do I do?

My abuser did malicious reactionary abuse and I consider myself damaged good... For life.

The deep rooted pain of growing up in a Narcissistic household, has resulted in letting the same disgusting treatment happen in adulthood by people I’ve chosen myself. Discarded for a new woman after seven years. I gave him everything and I’m left with nothing. I’ve never known who I truly am because of these soul snatchers. I hate that I can’t trust anybody 😞

Some quotes that have helped me deflect narcs so GOOD people can come into my life:
"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou
"We teach people what we'll tolerate."  
"I don't reward bad behavior."

🟢❤GREEN LIGHTS for intimacy:❤🟢
- do I usually feel good before, during, and after seeing them?
- do they show a consistent pattern of instinctive, automatic empathy and reciprocity?
- do they protect others' boundaries as well as their own? (e.g. refusing an offer of help when they know you are tired; proactively offering to reschedule an activity they want to do when they hear you've been having a tough week...)
- do they show respect towards ALL people (waiters, grocery store clerks, people who've irritated them...)

❤SELF-Love for the Win!❤
Self-love is like a force field that simultaneously REPELS narcs, and ATTRACTS good, loving people. It's magic!

But since many of us were brainwashed by narcissistic abuse into feeling inherently UNloveable and not ALLOWED to validate our own feelings, dreams, and value, it ain't always easy!

Some things that have helped me:

- Realizing that if I believe ALL babies deserve love, care, and encouragement, that includes me, too!

- The less energy I waste on self-hatred, self-doubt, and self-destructive behavior (including narc relationships!), the more I can be of service to the people and causes I care about.

- Since I started life with a cup less full of positives and more full of negatives than people from loving, healthy families, I need an ABUNDANCE of loving kindness to make up the difference.

- Learning my personal Love Language and lavishing myself with kind words and deeds that are most meaningful to me is a form of HEALING.

- Since my difficulty with self-love started with narcissistic ABUSE and neglect, every scrap of self-care and self-validation I give myself is not weakness or self-indulgence -- it's an act of noble resistance!
WE ARE ALL FREEDOM FIGHTERS IN THE GREAT ANTI-NARC REBELLION! 💪 ; - D

- Modeling healthy self-love gives other people permission to do the same. And the more happy, grounded people there are in the world, the better for everyone!

Wishing freedom from narcs and ABUNDANT LOVE AND JOY to all!
😀💕😻❤🤩

My sex life died after continual loneliness and not feeling love. 😊

Thanks, I really needed that ❤

I was not with 1 but 8 to be fair from this point I am accepting solitude I am realising that narcissists those days are much more then normal people.. I prefer the love of go's to this of any person.

Once again, such an accurate video. I totally related to all of it hence why I would rather stay single forever on. Therapists who can help are just so hard to find & it is soooo exhausting explaining what has happened to you growing up & in your narcassistic marriage.

The constant torture of withholding burns us out. The needs and desires are still there, but not worth any attempt of alleviation. The humiliation wins.

Terror is the best word. When someone asked me about my dad, the honest word that came up was terror. I remember thinking my friends kids were little brats, until I realised they were really lovely, but because they weren't afraid of their parents, it came across as obnoxious at first.....Thats when I realised how scared of my father I was. It's such a heartbreaking realisation that your life vision has been skewed for so much of your life... but omg is it a good feeling when you start to see reality correctly

Hmm.. I decided to not participate in marriage/relationships market, after things I've been thru with exes and family. Like, life is too short to dig through a dumpster searching for a diamond, I have other things to do with whatever small amount of clear mind left for me to live (Dementia is strong in my family). Yet. Everyone constantly trying to push and force me in that wastage.. I am so tired of it.

Yep 💯! EXACTLY HOW I FELT GROWING UP WITH HOW MY PARENTS ARE sadly!

Are there any videos about Narcissistic sexual abuse in intimate relationships? Such as the punishment that comes when they don't get their way, the rage, the coercion they repeatedly use

I am just plain afraid to have a relationship. Narcissistic abusive mother, entitled siblings, narcissistic abusive husband have all taken their respective turns. Feeling any emotion is quite difficult. I keep trying.

“No personhood “ … Wow 😮 that says it all Doc R ❤️🇨🇦👩🏼‍🏫

I went no contact at 18 because of this. That was 33 years ago it was necessary.

It takes years of knowing someone for me to trust them, and even then, I never really drop my guard. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop… to find the “fatal flaw”. I’m always giving myself an “ out”, never fully committed . It is not a healthy way to live, at all, and a direct result of being raised by a narc, never knowing what drama will ensue next. Dr Ramani hit the nail right on the head w this topic.

It would be hard to trust again.