Narcissistic Parents: Frustrating Ways They 'Play Dumb'

and yes about the raging--- my mom was a rager-- but of course narcissist are all about image and dont want you telling how they are a rager or anything dirty little secrets....YES-- and twisting stuff to where your the one with the problem......not them.

yes- on the shaming-- i broke a tail light on my truck, i bought a replacement and took a while to replacing it, of course she couldnt let me do it by myself she had to practically take over and then we hit a snag at one point so we asked the neighbor - thinking him being male and us both female maybe he would know better...NOPE but when he's helping he said something and i asked what he said and she YELLS at me like i was an idiot for not hearing it. I said well i didnt hear what he said- she tries to say something to put me in my place in front of him....i just stared her straight down and said "dont you even try"......she shut up quickly....f her...

this is the first video of its kind that i have seen- that actually addresses these issues. talking about emotions-- my mothers responses were either basically get over it, or your wearing your feelings on your shoulders.....and shaming you for that...

Okay, I'd like other opinions and especially this mans personal opinion on my own mother.

Her behavior is sickeningly paralleled to everything described in this video, along with other comments. Phrases like "that's not how I remember it" and "maybe if you didn't do this" are still incredibly common.

Forcontext.i am in my early 20s, but lack virtually any fundamental life skills. I cant even make my own doctor appointments because my mother controls all of my information including my Medicaid numbers. Whenever I ask for them so I can go see a dentist and fix my teeth it turns into a fight. Whenever I get a job, she takes over filling out the application when I ask what it means by certain things, and in my last job she had control of my paychecks because she took it upon herself to make my account with their pay system and I couldn't even get my password from her.

I've been abused most of my life, and every time I bring it up or ask for help it's just examples this gentleman listed and the many others I've seen in the commentsbelow.

I've tried moving out, but I lack the minimum knowledge of how to approach applying for housing that when I did I had to sleep on the street. Only to come home because I didn't want frost bite.

She controls every aspect of my life and relationships. I was never allowed to have a friend as a kid because "you'll just end up a junkie or a thief" which now I know is because if anyone saw her beat my brother and I the way she did she would have lost us forever.

The last argument we had was because I stood up for her to my brother. He texted me early in the morning calling her names. I asked him to stop, but because I'm the only of the two of us who has any communication skills he mistook it as a threat, which turned into my mother screaming at me. Calling me names, telling me I'm using her, and when I begged her just to read the text message of him threatening me with a gun she told me to take my paycheck and move out, knowing I have no where to go because she has driven every friend I've had away with her behavior, knowing I cant even make my own doctor appointments because she wont give me any of my information, knowing that she could take every dime I had in that paycheck the moment I got it because she decided to connect my direct deposite to her paypal. I just gave in and watched while she read the conversation I had with my brother, and when I mentioned telling the police he threatened my life with a gun, she deleted every message between the two of us so I'd have no proof because "he doesnt need to go to jail, you know he didn't mean it"

And all of that wall of text that I guarantee will inspire some teenager to say "I ain't read'n allat" is far from even a fraction of how bad it can get. There are things I'm not even willing to say because I dont want to relive them. Even when i was SA'd in a mental health facility because she put me in one after realizing that I was begging for a therapist for years because I wanted to take my own life, I told her what that man did to me when i was a teenage boy, and she called me a liar and attention seeker. So did my brother, and i knew they would. It's why i waited years to say it. And that is somehow the least impactful thing shes done involving me.

So, how can I get help developing the basic life skills I need to live on my own, how can I go about finding resources that can help me not behave like her, and is my mother a manipulative narcissist, a psycho who just wanted to hurt us, or am I the problem? I cant just pack up and go until I have those basic skills in my toolbelt, but if I can get some insight from others who've experienced similar I'd like to hope it will help me find my way.

I remember one time my husband and I were trying to talk to my mother about her lack of interest with her new grandchild; she would come into the city with her husband and spend all her time with them, his grandchildren, and sometimes leave without even saying hello; anyway, she literally turned around and faced her back to us and ignored us until we stopped talking. Then she turned back around and started talking about her day and acted like we had said nothing. We were stunned.. my husband had zero clue what to make of this, as did I. She takes playing dumb to a whole new other level. I have since learned there is no point even trying, she's the parent and I'm her child, if she wanted to she would.... I find it interesting she let slip that she plans to have me take care of her in old age, she even quipped "You'll legally have to whether you want to or not" as she mentioned it...... I said nothing, because she's clearly unaware of the laws where I am living versus where she is living.... I happen to live in one of the few places in our country where there is no law about that.... Should be interesting when the time comes!

Wow. He nailed my family

I didnt search for this, it popped up as a suggestion, and this has helped me so much, BOTH of my folks are narcissistic to my suprise, everything you metioned they do, and will even go as far as saying im a narcissist once im at my wits end about whatever is going on, AND I WAS STARTING TO BELIEVE THEM. Till now i thought narcissism was just a control thing, you have opened my eyes!

For many years, I was just asking myself: are they so toxic or are they just dumb? I used to justify this behavior "they don't know what they do, be kind".
Turns out my mother has changed but father became even more full of those narcissistic patterns. Years of thinking to run away, to seperate. I think a lot of us, children of narcs. are just so confused. Are my feelings real? Are they based on real happenings? Or maybe I interprate them bad? - we think.
It's a difficult question whether to cut the line, but I think if they're willing to change there might be hope.
Sending love to all other narcissistic abuse victims 💕 Thank you sm @jerrywise for this video. That made me feel heard and understood 💚

oh yeah I remember when I "did something wrong" and was told im stupid I asked why? and the response was "idk WHY youre so stupid"

Oh yeah and im old i cant remember i think i have dementia not bad enough to stop me from playing toxic head games. Im the bad guy for making an old lady be accountable

I have a name for this; my husband pulls it out all the time. I call it the retard card. It's a manipulation tactic that comes naturally.

My gf does this type of stuff can I handle it the same??

You haven't made a video that didn't help me understand myself more, yet.

When i found out, I adjusted my expectations. My thoughts and feelings went into lock down and now they know next to nothing.

MY MOM TO A TEE

The only way to stay s asne is to go gray rock

It’s such a way of gaslighting…it makes the non narcissist question themselves for saying something.

So true..this was my life..

The "pretending not to know" is them leaving a space for themselves to invade boundaries. It reminded me of a time with my mother, we were still in contact. I was in my small bathroom flossing & brushing my teeth, she comes in, pulled her pants down& peed, then leaned forward to where shes literally touching me. I was absolutely disgusted but i didn't even get to say anything, probably just made a face & she flew into a narcissist rage. One of the last times i had her in my home. Happy to be no contact

Great insight into understanding how “they” operate and manipulate

Are you sure of the goal of this video. For me this message is for dependant person. These persons must have capabilities to fill their needs. They will forget their all their problems

Last time my mom pretended to be stupid, I looked at her in a way "don't play so stupid" angry, and she changed a topic. Situation - she locked me on balcony where I was reading a book, than unlock and came in. "You know you locked me", "I? locked? no way, how?", 'well, you unlocked the door to come in, didn't you?", "but no, I didn't do that, how? you were locked? really?"
that conversation in her mimics were so acting, I almost laughed

I grew up with a narcissistic mother & I learned from a young age on how to deal with these kind of people.

It must be very frustrating for psychiatrists who specialise in treating juvenile patients. Getting their parents to admit that it's their narcissism that has caused their child's mental health issues.

Reminds me how my parents shamed me in front of my friend who just happened to be a girl, mistaking her to be a girlfriend of mine. Never ever introduced a girl to them after that.

My ex-husband was forever sorry about his terrible behavior and he was never going to do it again - and he was neither but he just didn’t want to take responsibility

Exactly. #2. self serving amnesia I call it. They take a grocery list to the store and forget the one minor thing someone else asked for.

That's both of my parents.

Mother is always the one that opens the wounds, and then plays dumb/the victim when there is a reaction. She has avery selective memory as well.

Father is the thief/cheat. I once got the same present from him several Christmases apart. He gave the gift one year. Stole it back, and then re-gifted it years later.

Another time he gave me a collection of radiator caps from 1930s cars (with the fancy figurine hood ornaments). When my parents split and he moved out, he took them back. Said it was a "trade" that I wasn't in on, or even present for. I got a big old sideboard that he didn't want to take with him. What a 12 year old wants with a sideboard is beyond me. I never saw them again, but, he often tells me about how he mounted them to a board for display. 👍 cool dad! Love hearing about how you enjoying something you stole from me.

He gave me his old camera. He decided once again, he wanted it back. This time I thought fxck you, its mine. I hid it. My mom asked him to install a new faucet, so he was allowed in the house. When I got home, the door to my room, which was always closed, was wide open. My desk drawer was wide open, and the locked box the camera was in had been pried open, destroying it. He was long gone before I got there. When he was confronted about it guess what he said:

🤡 WeLL i AsKeD HiM tO GiVe iT bAcK a FeW TiMeS!!

He felt he was the victim, because I refused to give back a gift he gave to me, and therefore was justified in doing what he did.

To this day he sits in his house, on a mountain of things he has stolen from his family, and whines about how nobody wants anything to do with him.

I would explain why I was upset over and over again for years and my mom played dumb every single time up until I went no contact with no warning. And she STILL plays dumb. They never give up the act

As an autistic person it gets very old and annoying when I express my confusion and the person I am confused at assumes I am feigning confusion and becomes hyper vigilant, hyper defensive, and difficult.

I record all my phone calls so nobody can lie to me and utilize selective memory.

There are apps that can automatically do it for ya.

My mom, one day, infront of my students, said "Im repelling why I made her so much educated, I shouldn't"

It was a disaster for me... This and a lot of this kind... Stole me of myself

My mother does every single one, but what got me wise to it is, later, when it's beneficial to her, she will bring up whatever thing(s) she acted dumb about. They are some of the best actors out there and use so many things to their advantage, it's honestly scary.

Suddenly the family manager - who prides herself on remembering and knowing everything pertinent - forgets AGAIN, and the rest of us are sent scrambling, scratching our heads, or left feeling betrayed

narcissists also pretend that they didn't hear you when you are talking to them.

One thing I remember my mom told me was „Be smart, act dumb“ and that pretty much explains a lot

İ thought i only had one narcasstic parent but i think i might have two

The fact they would tell a boss something like this and jeopardize their child jobs

Years ago, my parents bought something for themselves on my Amazon account and overdrew my bank account. I was then told it was my fault because "you never should let yourself get that low on money, what are you, stupid?" The "apology" conversation three months after.... Dad says lets just forget about that, it was your fault anyway. I accepted the blame. These people are evil.

Or they are autistic and they really had no idea of either🤷‍♀️

I love this guy ❤ my internet grandpa

This is how i figured out selective memory from my mom. I would talk about bad things she did do and she would say she cant remember but then I accused her of something she did not do ()but was plausible) and she outright denied it. thats when i realized she was choosing not to remember.

It is frustrating to me how far off the beaten path one has to go to find information about narcissistic abuse, and I blame therapists for not yelling louder.

The most relating video on this topic to date. Thank you ❤

Anytime I consider maybe reaching out to my mother (after 3.5 years no contact) something pops up for me to watch and I have a "oh yeah I remember" moment.

It's all a game. So really, if you're inclined, you can change the rules.

So my first rule is: if they're older, wiser, and more experienced and I manage to arrive at some truth before them, they have lost the game. They've straight up lost. I'm not giving someone a prize for having a huge head start and then finishing second in a field of 2.

Second, I'm going to be keeping a scoreboard for every time they play dumb, and every infraction results in a penalty because it doesn't make sense for me to suffer for their "not knowing" or "not understanding" stuff. Their feigned ignorance has somehow always rolled downhill onto me, so I decided to reverse that dynamic.

Typically the easiest penalty is a timeout. Say if I visit for a holiday, every time they play dumb, subtract a day off the visit and bail early. If the entire visit is wiped out, well, maybe I'll try being nicer if they try being smarter.

It’s amazing to me how many people experience the exact same things to the point that I feel like you must have been eavesdropping on my childhood. Literally the exact same words! “I can’t even be a normal human being around you” or “I don’t remember anything like that” or “Well I had no idea that was so upsetting to you”, the exact same words from my father’s mouth.

The examlple of the boss not caring about the wet the bed story is something my parent would do. Then i realized after being an adult for awhile, hey thats not the point! The point has nothing to do with the boss. it's the fact I don't like the story and who cares if the boss liked it.That usually gets them mad when i won't let them deflect things onto someone or something else, but in the end they still figure out how to say i was mean and hurt their feelings or they don't get why i am upset and won't invite them places anymore.
Ironically my parents know everything and my sister says she is the smartest one in the family with the highest IQ. Yet they dont understand 1/3 of what i say, sometimes half or more when we disagree, and they have such poor memories that their IQ would be measured at well below average. So I've been thinking the past week or so before seeing this video that the next time they reinvent the truth i should say, I remember it differently and since you have a tendency to be so forgetful discussing this further is pointless.