Toxic Shame: What It Is And How To Heal From It

I've been in therapy with an amazing therapist for the past year. I've had a lot of therapy experiences that were just bad but this experience has been pulling out all of these deep shameful feelings and laying them out for me to see, to finally understand why I feel so deeply unlovable. I'm finally starting to heal, even though overall I'm not that far into the process. things get better. it's a difficult journey but it's worthwhile. If anyone here likes TED Talks I recommend Brene Brown's talk on vulnerability - being vulnerable with the people you trust, baring your emotions, is a big step, but it's so freeing.

The problem I have is on top of CPTSD from a decade of abuse as a child I am now trying to deal with my daughters mother being highly abusive and refusing access to our daughter. Because she uses shame and guilt like a farmer uses a scythe and tractor on crops.

This is life changing, thank you

I feel attacked but in a good way

Heidi, if you see this— thanks for making such amazing content. I'm curious how you feel about Brené Brown and if she's a helpful resource for journeying with shame, or if you'd more recommend the authors you mention as a starting place. I know she's a shame researcher, and people seem to find her really accessible.

Thank you so much for this, Heidi. This is very beautiful.

Thank you very muuuuuuuuuuuuch! so helpful

Wow I'm only 13 mins into this and it suddenly started to feel so painful that even my heart start to hurt

Oh my gosh! I never thought about being addicted to travel also 🤯… I can’t handle being in a place for more than 3-6 months literally! Covering it up with a very pretty instagram (which I’m of course grateful for the opportunity to see the world) but lies this shame ❤ thank you!

Hi Heidi! I am wondering if you have a podcast, or audio versions of your videos? I enjoy seeing your pretty face and your physical expressiveness, but I would learn and absorb more through headphones at work.
I just recently found your videos, and I think that your perspectives and advice are exactly what I've been looking for to help me find myself, but also learn more deeply about the people I care about. They have even given me hope about repairing my marriage and my family (currently long-term separation, and we have a wonderful child together.).
Thank you so much!

I feel so called out hahaha, especially in the part about intimacy. I couldn't put my finger on it, I seem to always crave it and at the same time I'm so afraid of it...
Thank you so much, Heidi, the way you put it is so nice and easy to understand!

My ex would be alcohol account was only time she was “comfortable “ with touchy feely her expression/understanding of “intimacy”..where she got her “need” for it..we all need intimacy but some are shame based in it..and run from it in “real life” but experience it in the drinking/drunken state..and if we can understand that someone is there in your life that is there for them and will help them embrace/understand and face that monster of shame..

I watch self help videos so much and i was thinking of taking a break.Well this has been super beneficial.I follow a great therapist online who talks about it..this here really hit home in a lot of areas. It just feels like my entire life I've been trying to figure it all out..im fn' exhausted..lol I would do alanon..but sometimes even in those groups there ppl unsafe. I also dont like the reading the gudelines takes more than 50% of the meeting.Right now videos, reading and therapy are what Im doing.

Anyone who behaves shamefully will be punished in a way. It doesn't matter whether what you want as a pleasure principle (e.g. sexual things) are completely natural and human. Different cultures different customs. So it's natural that we hide. We are all like Jews in the 3rd Reich. And don't think that shame will ever go away, because shame is also an instrument of power.

Example: Anything a man does or wants to do that is not in line with what the wife wants, the wife can try to portray as shameful in order to keep the husband in line and vice versa. Especially (unenlightened) parents will operate this way successfully.

Thank you. I just found out about chronic / toxic shame and I am starting my search into healing. My father was a good man, but b/c of his dysfunction he newer validated me my entire life. I can't understands or rationalize how a father can have this behavior towards his child, wife, mother, etc. This behavior is called emotional denial. My father studied to be an artist. He did oil paintings, pottery, wood carvings, stone and marble carvings, with a talent rivaling DaVinci. You would think that a man that was so emotionally dead inside could not be so creative. I have picture of him playing with me when I was about 2 and 3 years old. Then at about 5 years old he became emotionally dead. He never validated me from then on and I was plagued with Chronic / Toxic shame my entire life. I didn't think I made a mistake, I thought I was a mistake. Not until came across John Bradshaw's work was I able to start to heal.

first time a watched a first video of a content creator and immediately subscribed

These are my ex and I to a tee..well not the life of crime one😬

This describes me exactly and I have to do something about it. I have been slowly coming to this, but yeah it's uncanny your description. Thank you for your words and I'm definitely gonna look up these resources.

I believe my older brother toxic shamed me, I can see my daughter toxic shaming her younger brother.

"All of us kind of suck sometimes." Such simple and honest truths like this make these heady, heavy topics so approachable. Heidi is the best!

There is a difference between guilt and shame... guilt says what I did was wrong shame says I am wrong

You have gifted me so much insight, clarity, support and reassurance 🫶♥️ thank you for being you and helping us all! I feel so inspired to learn about myself and others 💕

Thanks!

Thank you so much for making this video ❤

Omg this video is extremely spot on for me and I cried in the end when you said that at our core is not a scary monster and that we have good things I just lost it 😭

Some shame is actually constructive as it helps us sort out what merits shame and what does not. Bundy had no shame, which allowed him to kill without remorse.

you are beautiful and insightful !!!❤❤❤❤ am presently working on this matter through a Somatic Experience healer! this shame is so engraved in my body tissues that even by acknowledging my trauma so many years ago, gnostic
therapies did not work for me...
now, I feel am finally on the right track 😊😊😊
thank you

I can't do it. I've been on a recovery journey for years, had many insights, am now sober, but still constant anxiety and insomnia. I'm not being vulnerable with my spouse but it's because I feel she's a narcissist just like my mum. But am.i.projecting that onto her to avoid showing up. Or maybe I'm too hurt from trying to show up but not being seen many times. I can't discern these situations in my life as I can't see what's shame driven behaviour versus healthy boundaries. I do love myself. I also don't know who I really really am and what I really really want. I feel I could cry in a safe person's arms but I don't have a safe person in my life, but not through lack of trying to find one. I'm lost and alone. I have a great therapist, a great 12 step group, a great family. But in those, I do not see me no matter how hard I try to show up authentically. Honestly, I can't do it anymore. But not surrendering either. I'm such a walking contradiction all the time. Trapped in my own knowledge of self help, in a spiritual ego that thinks cos I go on silent retreats that I'm Buddah, and a denial that really I'm still no further forward in healing. I could write for days in circles. I can't find the middle

R u a working therapist like do u take private people?

Heidi you hit the nail on the head ! You are lovable and admirable.

I absolutely love your channel. Thank you so much.

Finally, someone who can understand what has been my life all along this time.

Thanks.. because i just learn how can release from any painful feeling relate to my old issues and truma .. ❤❤
It just state of feeling , its not going to recognise me ..
Appreciate your video 🙏🙏

❤

Heide, on the money, this is me since I was very little, a child told he was useless and worthless when very small..

Do exactly this advice but for someone with sadistic personality disorder. The same advice but for aspd. The same advice but for actually disabled people not just normal people who think they’re traumatized.

Thanks so much... Needed this much.
Need to work on healing my inner child and shame that roots to my narcissistic parents(no disrespect intended),highly dysfunctional family and my abused childhood.
Thanks again.
Love you❤.

Amazing video and advice 🙏🏻❤️ can totally relate to this addictions, fast food, films, spending, coffee, sugar and video games.

Would you have any resources for people whose toxic shame manifests as a belief that they are kind of a 'dupe' or an actor of a person (who they don't really know), like that they are an actor improvising a pre-conceived role in life with little understanding of what the self actually needs and wants?

this video helped me more than 2.5 years of therapy. thank you.

Thank you so. So. So much. Gay guy here who’s on a healing journey. Realized like a year ago how ashamed I am of myself - even though I’m 100% open with my sexuality and have super supportive friends.

Will watch this video every morning from now on (or at least once per week). Super valuable. Thank you!

Omg, I've been trying to figure out how to stop limerence from ruining potential good relationships/friendships. I had not connected Toxic Shame to it! This is life changing! 🙌 Thank you so much for all the research and work you do to get healing knowledge out there in a relatable, understandable, and tangible way. You are amazing ❤❤❤

Thank you. There is a lot of toxic shame in me because of things that are considered taboo and even it took me years to tell my therapist too. There are things that I would considered immoral and perversions as well. It's a very difficult concept for me to understand, but thank you for trying to help anyways.

Bravo. Thank you.

Thank you

I'm just at the beginning of this and it's like a light bulb moment this is what's wrong with me for years and il come back an edit this comment after I watch in full I'm excited the first time in years 🤞 Edit: this is a light bulb moment for me and for years I know for a fact this is what's wrong with me im so grateful for you uploading this I'm sharing it with as many people possible because I know this is lots qnd lots of people's answer to what's wrong with them. Thank thank you thank you thank you infinity x1000🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

Can’t change.. so exhausted 😢

I literally choked up listening to this. It amazes me how little my fears actually mattered. When I came to terms with myself regarding the false stories and narratives I Needed to Believe-- My life became immediately more manageable.

I came to many of the same conclusions presented here through a 12 Step program. Heidi's input and explanations are articulated much more clearly than I could have. However, I doubt I would have let myself believe in these theories of Attachment if I had not arrived at some of the same conclusions independently (at least in part). My insecurities (and ego) prevented me from accepting this type of "Psyo-Babble" for many, many years. When Hedi talks about how some men have no idea how to express themselves emotionaly, I just shake my head and laugh. It is so true, Ive been asked by caring friends or even therapist to "get vulnerable" or "allow myself to be vulnerable" so many times. I Never Knew What the Hell they were talking about. I was Literary not even aware of how to do these basic kindergarten level techniques to regulate myself.

It's like one of those pictures that, if you stare at it longe enough, a new image will emerge. Once it's seen, it can't be unseen. However, some of us have to spend a little more time staring at the picture more than others. 🤷

I love this content you create, and thank you for all the good you do.

Oh my god, this is one of the most insightful video I’ve ever seen. Thank you