The LAUNDRY LIST FOR ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS: LIFE SKILLS YOU NEVER RECEIVED

I broke a cycle by not having kids, I have severe mental issues,learning disabilities,medical issues with no cure, I couldn't do it, u r doing huge great work 💚

I stumbled upon this Video & was instantly intrigued. I was the alcoholic in my childrens Life. Of course early in my life I was Not Aware that I was using alcohol to numb my own abuse. I was unaware I had to heal Myself in order to be a good parent myself

My parents were alcoholic's. Bad things in my life too. I love your work. I couldn't get through this episode though. It was too deep of a dive for me. Your hurt must be very deep. My love and prayers go out to you 💗

Thank you so much!!❤️ This has helped me so much to understand myself!! So wonderful Thank you!!!!❤️❤️

The sickness talk does not heal, it keeps focusing on what' s sick. Anyone who wants to heal, get focused about healthy life.

Thanks again 🙏

I appreciate u so much. You’ve helped me immensely.

I hit the jackpot with a parent. An alcoholic with extremely strong narcissistic traits.
It took 4 breakdowns and a diagnosis of clinical depression for me to finally go full no contact.
They say some days you're the dog and some days you are the tree.
With these types you are ALWAYS the tree.

Inter generational trauma gets passed on. This fits my family. My great grandfather grew up in orphanage. He met my great grandmother had a baby. The story gets fuzzy. He either abandoned them or they were fleeing from him. My grandmother grew up in Missouri and was always moving living with different people with a single mom. They ended up in CT. My grandmother married and had children. She was very strict authoritarian her husband drank and would veg out in front of the tv to escape the family system. My mother became dismissive depressed with mental health issues. My uncle became an alcoholic. My mother did not actively drink but traits of an alcoholic without the alcohol. Passing on the dysfunction

Have been marathon watching these educational videos. Do high spectrum npd's watch videos on NPD?

Side note, your hair looks awesome! Love the cut !

Hi Lisa. I've watched your channel for a long while because of my narcissistic parents. My mom, whom I stayed with chose me as her black sheep. Something I've noticed that nobody talks about is being the child of a marijuana smoking narcissistic parent. Ever since I can remember my mom smoked. Being a 45 year old adult the laundry list is the same as this but a few things I deal with now are my mom's memories and mine. She is so sure things didn't happen the way I remember that I have thought maybe I'm wrong. And when she does apologize I have a hard time excepting it because what exactly is she apologizing for? I don't want to feel crazy so I don't bring what I remember up. She is sooo sure and her reaction can be so big and can make everyone think I'm crazy for bringing anything up. They look at me with pity. I hate it. And she still smokes. But EVERYthing you said in this video is true for me.

It is important to add that ACOA changed the name to reflect Adult children of dysfunctional families into the meetings long time ago. So many people dont realize that even though there parents do not touch alcohol some are smokers,some are narcissistic, some are cluster b etc...parents and those children are welcome to join the meetings also. They are online and free..

Thank you

Getting away from narc. Is so difficult after two years getting out of that situation the smeer campaign swallowed my options and the Jedi mind tricks aren't even mental but I can feel a constant flip I have to focus on in my chest to just relax and breath

When you talked about childrens innate talents and the way toxic parents responded to the child expressing them… I remembered how they responded to me.
Me to my alcoholic narcussistuc mother at 16;
What do you think I should do with ny future?
Her: ‘You should be provided for by a man. A diplomat’
And then she just disnissed ne.
I said to my father a year later:
I think I would want to try journalism. I am good at writing and always get good grades in school.
He: ‘No, I dont think you would be able to deal with the constant deadlines’
And then he walked away.
This is so painful memories. And I have never been able to so anyrhing than being supported by a narcissist although I have tried so many times to become good at somehing. Have not succeeded. And now its too late.

Felt so sorry for my Dad...cause I was taught to feel sorry for him...ptsd from 2 wars (diagnosed Schizophrenic in the 50s)...alcoholic...violent...our home was chaos ... my mother was MIA from overworking & being checked out & focused on her own desires...I was consistently reminded how "sick" my dad was when he would go off the rails or treat me in ways that I needed support for....it caused me to pity him as I much as I feared him...I craved his love...but his reactions...unpredictable!!! I felt shame for my feelings of hurt because my dad was "sick" & when I expressed my fears or hurt, my feelings were invalidated...and I learned to stuff them...

I am SO thankful for healers like Lisa who teach us what our parents did not have available to them...We have SO much knowledge that our caregivers did not as they went about damaging us due to their own damage...WE now have the power to stop the cycle.

May we each take our power back & use it to heal & to be able to give & receive the love we deserve...💗

such an excellent video. Thank you

Spot on!
I would label social anxiety as something that came out of nowhere.
Nope- it has its root in trauma.

Thank you. 💜

So good! perfect! Plenty of great info for recovery, love Lisa.
I've been in recovery for 14 years, from the age of 26... clean for 12, after a decade long heroin addiction, and it's been a very long road, and tough, and there is so much that I can say about what I had to do in order to find the right path, and even after many years of misguided, sh*it for brains "sponsors", and "mentors", I struggled on top of the horrible childhood.
I will say this, the last 3 years in my recovery I had the most breakthroughs, because I decided to take my recovery in my own hands, instad of relying on the groups and meetings, and I lost the active "functional" codependents and narcs I was surrounded by in "recovery circles" and "personal growth" groups... that just do not have the foundational knowledge required, nor the determination to succeed, and drive-to-purpose in order to guide and support others on a true healing and growth journey... very difficult when people in your recovery support circles just choose to stay in their addictions "dry", but negligent of the educational planning, and developmental actions on this path... the consciousness that is required to develop (love how you said that Lisa, it's 100%) in order to regain control of our thoughts and emotions... there are soooo many people who are "pillars" in recovery communities that just simply suck, and are really bad examples, but they are propped up by, what I'm calling "drys" in the communities... literally, my last sponsor, his sponsor was giving him pills from the doctor.. "30 years clean"... my ass.
We have to stop showing up to places where recovery is just not happening if we want to recovery. Most people in recovery, when i started to go to CoDA meetings, did not even know what codependency was... in 2013.
I've found myself having to start my recovery over again on a whole new level and it's been good so far, but I've been complacent and built a significant amount of resentment up with a significant amount of uncovered shame, but it's been good, because i was fearing the worst for myself after 6 years clean and not seeing or feeling much recovery happening.
I hit the reset button. thank God that i can do that still.

I wanted to touch on this concept of love and sadness /pity.

when i first got clean, and i was experiencing feelings again after a long time of numbing my pain, i was noticing "the similarity to love and pain", I called it. The relationship between love and pain and our interpretation of it as if correlates with grief and our addictions to emotions, such as anger and sadness. we absolutely love our grief, but if we cannot allow ourselves to process grief, it turns sideways into this self pity/ sense of loss and we label it love, because it's comforting... soothing the pain like just what i needed to experience the abandonment of my process into acceptance... away from acceptance. we want to hold on, but we have to learn how to let go, so that we can create a new experience in life. (exactly what I'm currently working on, at the deepest level right now)

Anyway, I'm experiencing fear in my recovery on a level that I've never felt before and a consciousness at I never felt before and it's only a good thing, because i know what i stand to lose and gain from all of the work in recovery and what i next step is... and this time, I'm doing it alone.

Hi Lisa, my sister and I are both daughters of an alcoholic father and codependent borderline mother. My sister has a nine year old daughter now, I thought she would know better when it comes to raising her, stopping the pattern of abuse by being a positive role model for her. She actively drinks to the point she gets violent. She will bully, neglect and emotionally abuse her own daughter. I am noticing that my niece has already developed co dependency issues. She has no self esteem and seems to be regressing when it comes to maturity.
Our father died as a result of needing a liver transplant, and our mother was the parent who financially was able provide but also emotionally neglected us. She is still around and eight years ago both my sister and niece had to move into my mother's house. Though my mother can be loving she adds to the dysfunction by doing everything for my niece leading to a taught Helplessness. Even letting my niece skip school, Sabotaging her social skills and intelligence.
I am now 38 and have been able to step back and reprogram myself with life skills I had never learned growing up.
I will take out my niece every weekend to show her unconditional love and talk with her about her about life and school and praise her in an attempt to boost her confidence. I am consistent with our time together but lately her personality has been so difficult to deal with, at this point I don't want to be around this dear child. I don't want to give up on her. I picture a bright future for her regardless of her upbringing. Though I am now at point where I can't be sure if my influence will help at all. We all live in Fort Myers Florida where Hurricane Ian caused my mother's house as well as my house to flood with four feet of water. Even during this time of loss and destruction my sister would rather drink and take video of her mother's trashed house posting it on TikTok rather than help clean teaching her daughter who never cleans anyways that others will always clean up after you. Do you have any advice that relates to this??! Is my niece destined to become just like her mother?

I have been going to ACA zoom meetings for a year and have only shared 4 times. Its like I am frozen in fear to speak out.

Namaste Lisa🙏🔥💝

The ACOA Handbook & Lisa’s books & programs are invaluable resources for any of us who have lived this pain🙈

None of my business ! I cut snakes heads off !

I absolutely love ACA

This entire video hit me like a 🚛 all I do know is who I am not... from my life experience with an addict/alcoholic/covert Dad & codependent Mother with now dementia who had narcassistic traits as well. I have C-PTSD & avoidant personality disorder & cycle breaker I slayed addiction & alcoholism & that dies with me 💯! Thank & bless you for this video & your work. Truly wish I could afford the support. Pain will teach you so will darkness if you sit still with it, embrace, accept it is what it is... & I am not them by conscious choice each & every day. Taking a different path in the opposite direction did help too even if it was running for my life.

Why are sooo many parents separate from their kids aka they don't mingle with kids, not even their own! Therefore they did Not teach their kids anything in life, aka how to navigate life and how people are, not even a sense of self.

ACA is an amazing fellowship.

ACA is actually Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families. The slash stands for "either/or.")
It's a 12 step program with groups one can attend in person or online. Super helpful.

Thank you for this.Another sad, realization for me was noting that my mom didn't want to be a mom and she actually I think had an element of jealousy about her own children and their gifts. I think I actually became an introvert more so that was because of trauma fawn response/ functioning freeze
to survive. I dont worry or get sad if folks away..I almost expect it, so i dont too attached anymore.

Thank you 🙏✨️

Gross. I don't want a man....
lol

So someone who struggling please shout that from the mountains! I went back and played that quote 3 times!

Great presentation of the laundry list. Thank you!

If someone is starting to come to the realization that this is going on for them, how does one begin to process it? With a therapist, should a child of an alcoholic situation look for therapists with that sort of expertise and background helping people with this history?

This is all spot on. I only recently figured out why I was never able to sustain a relationship longer than about a year and it was always with someone very troubled and bad for me.

So I'm just a weirdo? 🤔

Brilliant, Namaste 🙏🏽

Thank you

Thank you.❤

I'm an ACoA, and I only realized this a few years ago (didn't even know the term before). A workaholic, super-sensitive to critic, a perfectionist (got a PhD in Physics, now working on yet another PhD, but I'm still thinking it is not enough). When I learnt that ACoAs tend to confuse pity for love I got shivers. I tend to fall in love with those who are in trouble, who need emotional support and while helping them I forget about all my own troubles. I even had this weird feeling as if someone's weakness gives me strength -- normally, I cannot call myself a strong person, unless there is someone I can help out. But then, when the person gets better, it suddenly turns out that in normal relations you don't really need an emergency physician, and she understands I'm not the person she needs. And I too understand that I cannot bring anything to healthy relations. I cannot do anything except bringing the dead back to life.

The worst thing is i'm too old to change. I even think that fixing my life is way too cruel -- I would suddenly become a normal and happy person, but I'd also realize that the life is over, and it is too late to enjoy the happiness I acquired. This brings me these thoughts as if it is better not to change anything, and just let the life go. At the end it will be far easier to depart if there's nothing to miss about this life.

Thank you so much 😢

I understand when first penned, we became addicted to excitement first said addicted to fear. Fear is what we feel all
The time, so much so it is the base feeling, not feeling fear felt like something was wrong, all along not even knowing that was our base feeling. So, feeling fear was our normal. Of course the ego is right there to save the day, our false self. The ego has many many mask as we guess and pretend to be what we think others want ya to be to get approval. Ego centric, so much so we don’t even know who we really are. It is quite the trip to see through that and realize we lost ourselves and what that really means.

From These traits, our base ego make up, stem our defects of character, things like envy, procrastination, of course, fear etc. fear can not be present without the ego running the show. The good news is ACoA works.

Just going through this now.
Definitely resonate with a lot of this.

I’ve found as an adult having moved a long way from the trauma, I have to battle having hatred for happy, secure people from good backgrounds. Especially when they themselves are arrogant or unkind.
I had this stuff happen which has limited me. Then when occasionally some of the traumatised me slips out (not often mainly when drunk or tired) they will just say “this guy is weird” and put one over on you.
From their lovely warm house they laugh at the dude in the cold because he’s shivering.
It’s almost extended to all altruistic people. I think, f u, you come to my world for a day. You flounce around showing the world how kind you are. Yeah, I’ve been anti social. I can get aggressive sometimes. (BTW I have a career so it’s not really that bad) and I have little empathy for people’s problems? Why? Nobody cared about mine, they mocked me and I did it alone. What’s worse now is due to the political climate - I’m supposed to be privileged and I have to watch these people from stable homes whine about how hard they’ve had it and I have to “step aside” and “be an ally” of fkers who got privately educated. F all of them. Nobody knows my pain as it’s all inside and I have to watch these overgrown teenagers moan about non problems.

Sad fact is, inside I’m angry and I’m not happy. I wish I could be.

I literally had to watch a “motivational speech” from a lady who went to a private school, then Oxford, and she spent her “last £100K” on some project and then the whole thing was about how she’s a woman and the world held her back. And I have to sit there thinking of all the chaos and clap this fking leech.

Thanks so much for this video it was really helpful!

🙌🙌👏👏👏

Wanted the affirmation app. Make it in android. So people can use it. Thx.