“Daycare Impacts On A Child’s Brain & Socialization Myths” - Dr. Erica Komisar, LCSW | The Spillover

Thank you for this ❤ I’ve been wrestling with going back to work. We’re lower middle income and it would be very very tight.

But at the same time, I have our 3.5mo old in my arms sleeping and I can’t imagine leaving him

Such an important and relevant conversation. Thank you for doing this.

This podcast changed my life. Thank you for the important work you do. Now a SAHM until my kids start school ❤

As a consultant I had the significantly higher income in our house before kids - after my maternity leave was over we had a nanny (even though I worked from home) for 1 month before my husband and I talked about it and he took a higher paying job to cover some of what I made and we moved into an apartment so we were raising our own children. Right now we have 2 under 2 and I'm with the kids all day while my husband works, when he gets home we have supper together as a family, and then a few evenings a week I work after the kids are in bed. Weekends are family time. Once our family included a child it wasn't about us anymore - we have downsized for now and then when the kids are older I will start working more. My husband and I still take time for own hobbies separately and together, but the only people our children have ever been left with aside from each other are my parents and siblings.

I couldn't stand the thought of my children being with people I don't know or, more importantly, leaving my children in the care of people who are strangers to them. I couldn't stand the thought of one of my kids crying and needing something and not being responded to right away because there were other children.

My question is, I am in canada, so thankfully, I can take over a year of mat leave!!
But I am on a waiting list for school, the education I'm going into is mental health & and addiction counseling... I am lucky to say it is MAINLY all online! By the time my child is a year old, I'd be starting school. I was considering the $10 a day daycare we have offered to us for those days that I have massive assignments to finish. I am choosing this career as it does offer part-time/work from home opportunities....so even my kid, bringing there a few hrs would be not beneficial? Now I feel guilty, lol. My dad is nearby so he is an option, but he also has a disability so can only do so much. But I'd be home mainly up to 3 years as the course is 2 years. I'd have to leave for a week a semester but he'd be with his dad. Very hard to balance for sure.

Great interview! Thank you!

I listend to this conversation with an open mind being a working mom and have my 5 month old at a in-home daycare where he is the only the infant. I agree, we need government support in helping women with childcare. The part I disagree with is ignoring my own needs. I can not imagine being a SAHM, I would lose my mind. I am suffering from PPD and once I went back to work I instantly felt my mental health improve. I still have hard days but honestly being at work and then having the evenings with my baby has been a nice middle ground. If I was a SAHM, I can promise you my PPD would be so much worse and I would be miserable which is not fair to my baby, he deserves a happy mom. Yes, I have the guilt of dropping him off sometimes, but knowing I am able to stay sane then means I can be present with the hours I am with him. I refuse to feel ashamed for making a decision that kept me alive for my baby.

I'm so grateful that I chose to be a SAHM from day one, and I have absolutely no regrets. It made no sense to me to have children if I wasn't going to be the one who was actually raising them.
They are all adults now, married and leading very good lives.
I truly hope there is a shift with these next generations, where they finally realize how important it is to build relationships with their own children. Our society is already paying dearly for Gen X and Millenials' decisions to put work first.

Its actually SHOCKING that US doesnt have paid maternity. Its a crime !

I have always wondered why my cousins are so well-adjusted. They were both put in daycare at 6 weeks, and today they are the healthiest - most successful people that I know. They are 40 and 38. So, it can definitely work for some. I was so blessed to be able to stay home with my daughter from day 1, and I homeschool her now.

I worked at a daycare for 5 years and found lots of joy in it/learned a lot about how to be a mother, however, because of seeing how long the children stayed in daycare each day without their parents, and what the impact must’ve had been on them, I chose to be a stay home mom, although I was already thinking I would be

Do kids do well attending school 40 hours a week in kindergarten after having never experienced preschool 2+ days a week ?

I like the conversation but these ads are just horrible to listen to. So much fear mongering

I work at a "high end daycare" its BS. I would NEVER send my child to a daycare. Admin hides stuff from parents. The way were forced to teach these kids goes against everything i believe. I dont care what i have to do to keep my child out of daycare

Thank you for this video, it’s a life changer.

I think that the issue has more to do with the way we (including feminists) undervalue childcare as a genuine form of WORK that is equally important (if not more) as any career or vocational work. In my opinion, I don’t believe little girls need to worry at all about what ‘being a mom’ will be like, choosing careers around that. It’s moreso like, why are we so pressed to break the glass ceiling, become the CEO, wear the pantsuit, i.e. win at a system that was purposely designed to destroy us?

As a SAHM & artist trying to figure out what will work for my toddler and I, it’s so frustrating being met with the same advice (sleep training & daycare) for every challenge I have as a conscious parent

What about the mental health of the mother who doesn't have help. It can take a toll on the mother especially a single mother. Could someone explain more on that?

You tax for child care and all the DINKS will get rowdy! What if we lowered our expectations financially and PLAN for our family (like living close to family). I hear her wanting to throw money at a social issue that needs to change culturally. They didn’t even take into account all the divorce and single parents. Moms are having to work because of divorce.

What about the research that says that children have negative developmemtal outcome when the parents go through economic tensions or there is an environment where the parents are in financial tension?

I quit to be a SAHM to my daughter. When she was just over 2 and starting to show interest in other kids i started thinking about daycare, nannysharing, or montessori preschool.. that's when i got pregnant with my twins!! They're 3 months old now and it's SO FREAKING VALIDATING to know my gut was telling me the right thing: my baby still needs me, and my twins do too!

I feel very very much for working moms. Those early years just lasso your heart and yank you away from everything but that baby. I cannot imagine how I'd feel watching this interview if I'd gone back to the office. Babies are the most important people in society and there is NO substitute for their own mother.

Feminism has proven to undermine and delegitimize femininity and womanhood in our society, it makes me angry. We are supposed to be able to choose for our families, not be wrenched from our calling to go work some sterile career under florescent lighting while a stranger raises our kids for us.

Do what works for you but many daycare's and preschools are fabulous. Also, this is a pretty privileged stance and why only focused on women staying home????

The ads are extremely annoying

Isn’t daycare cheaper compared to nannies? We had some help from a nanny early on but that was £10 per hour. Daycare (nursery) was not cheap but probably half the cost.

I wish I knew ten years ago that if it had to be daycare that little and often was better than less frequent longer days.

If you have multiple children it’s not just 3 years it can end up more like 5 or more.

I hope I can be SAHM soon but still good with income. I'll find the way and that's enough for my first child sacrification, I feel sorry for my first child, but I'll pay for it baby, don't worry. Mom is here always with you.. I love you so muchh..

Thanks professor and the presenter

I was able to leave my daughters with either one of their grandmothers so I am beyond thankful for them. We are about to have our 3rd child and I’ve been home the last few months. My two older ones are 7 and 5 now and they told me they love me being home. Yes it’s hard financially but I’m gonna be working part time from home so that I can still be present for them. I can see a difference in them from me being home so I wanna be here til they’re graduating high school.

I was a preschool teacher before I had kids. I became a stay at home mom when my kids were born. When my children are grown I will encourage them to stay home as well. If for some reason they’re absolutely unable to I will step in to help raise their children so that they won’t have to go to daycare when they’re a baby/toddler. A lot of children do truly love preschool once they turn 4. But in all my years and experience babies and toddlers are traumatized daily and I truly feel they will carry this trauma with them their whole lives.

Is it too late to take my son out of daycare, now he is three and 4 months old?
I stay at home with our newborn but I had to send my firstborn to daycare because he was developing late and a late speaker, so it was recommended to us by a psychologist to send him there to socialize since he was 1.5 years old, on and off and from 2,5 he was at daycare non stop feom 9-3. I had to change five daycare for all sorts of reasons. Now we are moving to a house from our little apartment and I think I could keep him entertained at home because where we lived until now I have no park near or anything and I always had to turn on the tv for him at some point.

So...what are parents that both have to work supposed to do?

This was so educational and informative. You are incredible at interviews. Thank you for getting this information out there. My first born son was in daycare and I quit my job and pulled him out because I couldn't take it. I've been a stay at home parent now for almost 9 years and I run a home bakery so my children and I are together as much as we can be. That's what I value for my family and nothing has brought me fulfillment like being a mother. I'm gonna buy these books !!

Some parents can't stay at home and have no choice. I'm so lucky my husband stayed home for two years before our son was in part time day care. Some days it's a struggle but I always remind him that mom and dad will always be back. we're all just doing our best being parents. I wish I could be a stay at home mom but I know that's not realistic. So I make everyday free just that more special with my son. And love on him so much! It's hard being a parent.

Pregnant with my first. My partner and I visited a very nice daycare close to our house. Just being there made me tear up. Here in Spain, kids start school already at 3 years old, so I don´t think putting our daughter in daycare before that is necessary. Financially it will be a tough decision, but I have found a job that I can do after 7 pm till midnight and on the weekends when daddy is home. I know it will be tough to take care of a baby (4 dogs as well) and have a job in the evening, but I see it as something temporary. When all my kids are 3, (we want our daughter to have a few siblings close in age), I am able to work during the day again.

Not relevant to the podcast but I thought Alex was like 23 years old and was wondering why a woman so young would be interested in such issues till I found out she was 31. Great episode nevertheless, thank you for having Dr. Erica on the show. As a guy I'm a little different from the demographic here judging by all ya'lls profile pictures, but I've always been interested in child psychology and have a young niece and nephew who I hope will grow up healthy in spite of modern-day pressures. Always felt like something was 'off' with daycares too and it was insightful to hear you both shed light on the topic.

Does anyone know much about the working dad’s involvement? I am a SAHM with my 2 year old and my partner works extra hours so I can be at home. Which means he’s away a lot. I notice at the end of the weekend when he’s been home my toddler is quite clingy and wants to be with him a lot. She wakes up every morning and asks “where’s dada gone?” but once he’s been away a lot during the week she quite often turns away from him when he gets home. I can tell she’s not as comfortable with him. I know I am at home with her meeting all her needs but I worry about her relationship with her dad sometimes.

Wb single parent house holds

Does she talk about single parent households at all????

YES YES YES!!

Well, I agree with her. Mostly.... I am a homeschool mom with four children and we have adopted one and we currently Foster. I completely agree with everything she says on child development and attachment. Where I think we would diverge is where she would like to see more taxes and more governmental involvement. That doesn't really vibe with me.

I’m blessed I only work 16 hours a week! Love being home with my family and just working enough to make money and have my child attend a nice Christian preschool for free while I help as a teacher assistant

I worked in child care for about 9 years, 4 of which I was pregnant and or a mom.
I remember when I was pregnant with my first child that I decided not to hold him as much because I would constantly hear the babies in the infant classroom crying throughout the day. Because they were so used to being held (which is good) and they would come to daycare and have 5 other infants ages 6 weeks to 1 year who needed to be changed every hour. Fed at different times. With one teacher doing all this. The infants would hardly sleep because they couldn’t be swaddled etc.
Long story short, I regret not holding my son when he was younger. Yes he didn’t cry but I robbed him on crucial bonding with him.
I no longer work there. When I was pregnant with my second child, I left and started homeschooling. I’ve been homeschooling and being at stay at home mom now for a little over 4 years.
I don’t regret it at all. Yes we’ve had to sacrifice financially A-LOT. But God had always provided.

Alex if 43% leave, that means they chose to and they made it work financially… imagine the other half who could not make the math work or even have an option to.

Yeah and the leave that was sort of given is really not paid parental leave its actually glorifed FMLA because you cannot use FMLA and paid parental leave in the same calendar year or to put it more simply the paid parental leave is deducted from your FMLA. I was in this situation in my last pregnancy i had complications and was not well i had to invoke FMLA which reduced my parental leave after my baby was born. I was so stressed and anxious about my job. I developed postpartum psychosis it was horrible....absolutely horrible. My anxiety over having to leave my baby in daycare caused me serious debilitating anxiety.

Sooo what do I do if it’s too late and my boy is 3.5 y/o? He is advanced, intelligent, athletic, social, and seems very well adjusted in every way. Is he just going to change one day and be terrible? Other parents are jealous of us and ask us what we do to teach him. We are super hands on for all hours he is home with us and try to drop off at 9 AM and pick up at 4 PM (I work from home so I can do that).

Daycare is the better option for my niece who was taken by the state and in foster care- but I see a real difference in my non-daycare/ no trauma kids. Wow!!! There’s a difference and she’s a good girl- but wow.

Obviously the whole childhood is really important but the first 6 years are key. The first 6 years, according to another psychotherapist Gabor Mate are central.

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Its a shame that the US don't have a paid maternity leave. A developing country like India has a minimum 6 months of maternity leave mandated by law, maximum which may be up to 9 and 12 months depending upon the sector and the size of the organization, along with the job security.